Apologies - unashamedly posting for traffic. I really, really want to watch this documentary and get my husband to watch it, but it only seems to be available in the U.S. Not being very clued up with how to find it online, I thought I'd see if anybody more knowledgeable would have any ideas?
Husband doesn't work because of a chronic condition. It's true that he struggles with organisation and motivation, but, equally, he was also quite lazy before this happened to him. He cooks, goes to the supermarket, drops child off at the nursery in the mornings, and loads and unloads the dishwasher. I do all other cleaning, all the mental load, I work (sometimes two jobs), pick up from nursery, all the driving, and I take on the majority of the emotional labour with the childcare, and, of course, the invisible mental load. For example, we are moving house right now, and it is me who has so far thought of 100% of the things that need to be done and actioned 90% of them, while my husband has done around 10%. My husband watches our child on the occasional day that there is a public holiday but I need to work.
Lately, he's been trying to do more. He has been doing a little more, but it is just a drop in the ocean, really, compared to what I do. He wants a bloody medal for doing significantly LESS than I do every day, and when I point out that nobody thanks me or appreciates me for doing a thousand times more, he gets annoyed. He says I keep "raising the bar". He doesn't understand why I don't want to sleep with him. In fact, I am fed up and close to divorce. I'm going to make one last attempt, but, ultimately, if things don't change then I am done. It may well be that he can't do more (though I don't think this is the case - his father is also very lazy around the house, so I think it is at least in part learned behaviour), but I'm not prepared to do it all for him. I'd rather be by myself doing it, as then at least I wouldn't be angry all the time, and things would actually be clean (as he is in the house all day, inevitably creating more dirt and mess as he has to use things more than they would be used if we were all out of the house).
I'm aware I'm going to get a string of Mumsnetters saying things like, "dump him now" but we have been together a long time (over 20 years) but only recently had a child, and he did not always have this condition. It's not that straightforward. But recently, I have started to think about it in terms of what is and is not sustainable. Rightly or wrongly, my anger and resentment about this is not sustainable, so if the only way to address that is divorce, then that is what needs to happen.
I suspect that there will also be people who will suggest it is diplomatic to thank him, or that his experience is still his experience and we all need praise etc. to keep growing. And, yes, I get that, and I do also agree with that. But, just no. No, I am not going to thank him for doing almost fuck all in a day when I am rushed off my feet from 7 am until midnight. It might make him do more if I thank him. It might be a better way of getting him to see my side, but I am sick and tired of entitled men who just think this shit is ok and demand recognition and thanks for things that women are doing EVERY EFFING DAY.
Can you tell how angry and pissed off I am? I've had three years of this, and I am just so done with it.