Ending a friendship

[Bloomsburygirl]

Sorry, long, rambling post. I have been friends with a woman from my village for a few years. She is extremely environmentally conscious and a socialist and, as such, can be very judgmental and opinionated about some of my choices. For example, she had a real issue with the fact I bought a puppy (from a friend) as she has always done the "right thing" and obtained rescue puppies. She also has issues with me sending my children to independent schools (she once asked me if I felt 'guilty' for doing so). She also said she did not like the design of our house extension as there was "too much glass" and we had to take down some trees. I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but my husband cannot stand her due to her put-downs (the house design was the last straw). The final straw for me was when she came around one night while my DH was away and called him "greedy" (as in money greedy). I do suspect she is a little jealous. I confess I was cowardly and said I had some things going on and was not up to socialising for a while. The last time she messaged me, I ignored her and blocked her number. However, last Sunday she turned up unannounced with her son at my house. My youngest son was home and she messaged DH and asked if DS could come and play (they are both 11 and her DS is a lovely lad). He said yes but made sure my DS came home before us so we did not have to see her. I am shocked that she turned up and feel like it is just another example of having zero respect for me (if someone sent me a message saying they could not see me for a while and then ignored any subsequent contact I would get the hint!). I am now dreading her turning up at my house again. She knows my husband does not like her (he is barely civil and she is the same with him). If she does, how should I deal with it? I hate confrontation; however, I am so much happier without her in my life!

Please be kind, I am finding this incredibly hard...childhood trauma has resulted in me allowing people to walk over me/treat me badly, and I feel like I have walked into another one of these situations I keep finding myself in.

Send her a text.

Having had a break from her for a while you have realised that you find some of her remarks judgemental and annoying, consequently you are not interested in maintaining a friendship.

Be civil but keep your distance.

If she turns up at your door just say "I have nothing more to say to you" and shut the door.
Or just say Fuck Off........

She does not sound nice. Yes be direct her attitude is negative you find it draining. I realise op not easy to say but you have to make a point.

OP l wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings too much - she hasn't shown you any respect so no need to be rude but l would message her and say not sure if you got my original message but just turning up isn't convenient so can we say l will be in touch when the time is right for me. God l hate situations like this.

First, learn to be civil if the children are friends, She will drop off her son and you will collect. You will see each other.

But avoid social contact. If she challenges it, say that you feel constantly judged, that she is so critical of you, to the point of rudeness, calling your DH greedy, challenging you on life choices that are none of her business. You don;t mock or challenge how she lives and you expect real friends to show the same respect to you. If she dislikes your lifestyle so much, why does she even want to be your friend? If she genuinely likes you for other reasons, can the friendship please focus on those and can you agree to give material values and politics a rest.

Id tell her you've been having counselling and been instructed only to be friends with people who have a positive outlook

Thank you @BMW6 and @Mary46 . The above are only a few examples of the little digs she has made in the past. For example, when I came back from a two week break in Crete she said she noticed my fitness had deteriorated. I need to learn to recognise red flags faster when it comes to friendships, but by the time I realise a person does not have my best interests at heart, months have gone by. I am always very positive and encouraging to people, perhaps this is why I attract people who put me down? It has been the same all my life.

Actually OP I've just thought of the perfect solution.

Put a Vote Tory poster in your window. You'll never be bothered by her again.

Bullies sniff out people they can push around OP.

That's why it has happened so much to you. Others would have said Bugger Off You Rude Cow at the first put-down.

Is there some reason your door cannot remain closed? So what if she turns up.

As to seeing her socially for the sake of your children, a slow fade might be good for you if you hate confrontation.

For the future, practice speaking up, especially for your children.

If this has happened to you over and over again, address being the common denominator. Some people perceive slights and put downs everywhere they go, even when none are intended, a kind of paranoid personality slant, it’s not as uncommon as you might think.

Bullies enjoy the reaction. Don’t give her a list of things she’s done wrong, or why you don’t want to be friends etc.

Give her a warning of what’s coming, be direct, and end the relationship. “This might be awkward to hear. But I need to step away from this friendship, and I don’t want any further contact” Don’t engage with details

Don't lose any sleep over this.
Ghost her, block her number, and don't answer the door to her.

Your boys can continue to be friends if they want to, but you don't have to engage with her any more.

If she corners you at any point, just tell her "I don't want to be friends with you any more".

Thank you @Undefinedgeek I will definitely consider that; however, I do have lots of people in my life who never judge me or put me down. And my husband has been telling me to end the friendship for a while as he could see it was not healthy. I think my part to play is in the form of giving people too many chances and not being firm straight away when people put me down. Has anyone learned to change in this way? I would love to hear your advice xx

Yes, this

No advice, but a bit of solidarity. Fortunately there are lots of lovely people in the world.

You clearly aren’t friends with her so at least you don’t need to worry about hurting her feelings. I’d be really blunt and text her saying “when I said that I wasn’t up to socialising, what I meant was that I feel our friendship has run its course as we are two very different people with completely different views on things which can’t be overcome. I’m sorry I wasn’t more direct at the time as I thought being subtler was kinder. However, I can now see that I wasn’t clear enough.”

Just tell her you are not interested in speaking to her. She ought to get the message.

I am a bit odd, so would just criticise her back and she would soon pissoff. There will be something, is she the earth mother cheesecloth type?

I’ve been through this. With a best friend. She was so toxic and was constantly making digs at me or judging me. 8 years of friendship and the amount of times we fell out over her rudeness.

The best thing to do is accept the fact that you are the problem, for constantly letting her get away with what she is saying. She has showed her true colours multiple times, if you ignore it it becomes a you issue. I know it’s hard to tell people to get lost but it has to be done.

I promise once you send the text and end the friendship you’ll feel so much relief