To be signed off sick?

[Smilingbuttired]

I am really struggling at the moment mentally. In the last 12 months I have managed to get out of an abusive relationship which took a long time and a lot of strength to do. I am on my own 6 days out of 7 with both kids with no help doing all school runs, clubs, training etc. I started a new job last June where I am part time but the job itself should be a full time roll so there is a lot of pressure, the lady who had it before me left 3 weeks before i started so there was no training and I have had to pick it up as I go, its a fast paced job with loads to do and I feel like I am drowning. I have had 3 days off sick over the last 12 months due to migraines which I am prone to but I have also had 4 days where i have worked from home due to child illness.

In the last couple of weeks i have started to feel really low, crying a lot, anxiety through the roof, feel like i am failing at my job, struggling to keep up with housework and finances and trying to be the best mum i can be. I have recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on tablets so that has been a worry.

My mum thinks i would benefit from some time off to rest but i am so scared i'll lose my job due to this. I am at the drs later and will discuss with them but i don't know what to do for the best. This job means a lot to me, it is a step up from anything i have ever done, it works well around the kids but i feel like im snowed under right now.

You should like you are legitimately unwell, stress and burnout are very real and cause untold havoc on your body if you don't check in with it on time. I understand your fears around losing your job but if you're unwell, have a sick line and genuinely need the time off this is unlikely to cause problems for you. I'd make an apt with your GP to discuss some support for how you're feeling and hope things improve for you soon. Show yourself some kindness x

@Smilingbuttired - first, well done on getting this far - even though you are struggling, you have left an abusive relationship and managed a year doing it all and working in a challenging new role. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.

It is understandable how you are feeling - it’s like all the stress has drained you and you are done in. Some time off could be what you need to regroup.

On the practical side - what is your employer’s sickness policy? Do you work for a big, “official” employer where it would not be possible for them to sack you for this (eg NHS versus Joe Bloggs Plumbing)? Can you afford the sick pay rate? How long do you think you’d need and how would things be different on your return?

At the end of the day, it sounds like you do need time off regardless of the answers to the above questions but if it’s a job you like (under normal conditions that works well for you) you need to also think about your return. Good luck.

I work in a school so any time off i have is the school holidays with the kids so never actually alone to rest ha.. the policy is 4 seperate occasions results in a formal absence meeting which is what i will be up to if i get signed off today. We have 4 weeks left until the summer holidays so part of me feels like i should just hang on and wait for that but as i said i will be with the kids for all of them (which is fine but sometimes some time alone is needed!)

I have done ok the last couple of weeks but yesterday and today i am crying all the time, anxiety shakes and palpitations, can't eat, didn't sleep well last night.

It feels that all the strength i have had the last year has gone

@Smilingbuttired - if you go off sick just now, can you return to summer leave ie so that you are not still classed as sick over what would be time off anyway? That is what happened in my last job - you had to “return to annual leave” if you were sick just before it to ensure you didn’t use up your sick time. Different of course if your sickness was much longer - your annual leave would then be cancelled and given later.

It’s a tricky one given you’ve not got long to go - although 4 weeks when you are feeling this way will seem like ages. Talk it through with your GP - they may suggest alternatives (although not sure what!) or even a couple of weeks and return just before then end of term.

Good luck. It’s so difficult when you feel like this but keep remembering that leaving the relationship took great strength and better days are coming 💐

edited to ask - can you get some time away from your DC over the summer holidays eg kids clubs, visiting relatives/ friends etc?

What is your line manager/HR person like at work. Honestly when I worked in HR and came and told us what you said we would probably tell you to have a few days off to start. It would also be recorded formally and a stress risk assessment completed. Telling HR can protect you. Even if it went to a sickness review, the point of it is to help you, not just admonish you. They have to demonstrate that they are helping you going forward.

Sometimes just telling them can just improve things enormously because the stress of covering it up and pretending to be okay in work is probably making things worse.
I know there is huge pressure to be present in schools, but they do know they also have to look after the health of employees.

I would see a doctor and discuss. It sounds like you have had a hard time and a lot going on so you need to take care of yourself. It might be best to be signed off.

My personal experience which may not be valid for you is that sometimes it helps to try and put more focus on you for a bit (like doing physio for an injury - prioritize you for a bit). For me what helps is yoga, being outside, time on my own and good sleep but also keeping a good routine. When I got signed off and stopped completely I sort of gave in to it and felt a lot lot worse for a bit. Easing back rather than stopping helped me. Again may not be the case for you so only sharing some ideas to try.

I find my doctors always try and prescribe antidepressants which sometimes I do need but take a few weeks to work anyway.

If you can hold off until summer holidays I would try and book the kids in to some camps for some of the time so you also get a break and they can have fun.

I hope you feel better soon.

You didn't get any training for the new job which is rubbish for you - do you get any positive feedback from them about how you are doing? Maybe if you felt more secure in your new job you wouldn't feel as anxious.

You might also be having a delayed reaction connected to escaping an abusive relationship. Think back to that time - did you used to walk around on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst? If so its possible you are still in that pattern, except there's no resolution, so the tension can keep rising.
See your GP and ask about getting some support, and talk to Women's Aid.

You need fo find strategies to manage. Your life challenges will still be there after a period of sickness and as you've already had 3 days off plus 4 days for child care I don't think this will do you any favours regarding how you are thought of at work.

Can't your mum help wirh child care if they are sick?

Try calming apps, wellbeing apps, exercise, self care. Going off sick really won't fix anything. I get you need a breather but its nearly July not long to go until 6 weeks off. Good luck

My boss is really nice but obviously the needs of the business seem to be the main priority. I went in to him last week and told him i was a little overwhelmed but nothing really came of it. I have emailed the school councellor that we have to see if i could possibly have a chat with her. I am the only one who does my role and nobody else knows how to do it hence why its been such an adjustment for me so that scares me that if im off it'll just be worse when im back x

I work in a school and been through similar to you. I've just taken a month off work, signed off. It was all getting so much. I've been practical with the time and getting things in place to support me moving forward, counselling, organising, etc, and I've had some time to myself which actually was way more needed than I could have guessed. The way you describe how you feel at the moment... If you keep going yoU will burn out. And as they say, you have to put your oxygen mask on first so you can help others. You're been through a lot of big life changes, focus on you and try not to worry about work etc. Although I understand the guilt.

I think honestly you shouldn't take more time off. They will be looking at you. It shouldn't be like this but the reality is it is! They will think you aren't able to cope with the pressure. You haven't been there 2 years so your legal protections aren't there yet
I would however be seeing your line manager and pointing out how it's a full-time job being done in a part-time role and how this could be managed better. Put the ball back in their court. Also gently. Your domestic arrangements are not their concern

It sounds as if you may need some time off but I think you also need to put in place some coping strategies and would benefit from therapy.

Be mindful that finding the right therapist is like finding a comfy pair of shoes and you have to try some before you find the right one.

As far as work is concerned, be honest and ask for help. They may prefer to adjust yiur duties with a risk assessment for the next four weeks, perhaps four days a week or even three to give you some breathing space. Also try to get a wellness plan in place for September.

I suspect it's a reaction to the stress of leaving an abusive relationship (well done!) and unacknowledged grief that the family unit isn't as you planned.

Can you manage to prioritise some time for self care? Can your mum help? Kids clubs over the summer? Can you make a plan to get all the housework/admin done? Can you find ways to enjoy your time in a freer environment where you can say "fuck it! Tea tonight is a picnic on the floor with paper plates and kitchen roll for spills". Ultimately, as long as the kids and you are clean and fed, a few crumbs and ironing don't matter.

Try to remember how much your DC will benefit from your strength to get you and them away from abuse.

I’d consider self certifying for a few days or a week and then solder on until the holidays.

I have mental health issues myself and struggle into work plenty of days but I’m wary of taking sick leave because of it unless absolutely necessary. You read on mumsnet of people taking extended sick leave for stress and they never feel ready to go back. It’s not always helpful.

''I am the only one who does my role and nobody else knows how to do it'' puts you in a strong position within the company.

Thank you all for your responses. Im still unsure what to do.

On one hand I need to be professional and think about my job and the repocussions of being off but at the same time i also need to be well and present for my children.

I feel like i am failing at everything at the minute but i know i need to pull myself together and get on with it as i have done so many times...its just hard. My family are supportive to an extent but they all work and have busy lives so i can't rely on them for help.

How did you get on at the GP's OP? What did you decide in the end? I'm in a sch too so following yr thread. Hope you are doing ok.

He wants me to start on antidepressants again but I’m really unsure, I was on them a few years back and remember the first few weeks being complete hell which I won’t be able to cope with. Haven’t been signed off, I said I’ll try and get through this week and see how I feel after the weekend with the option being to call to request a note if needed.

Just been on a big walk with the kids and to the park, was lovely but just feel like I’m not really present, my mind is constantly worrying

No you don’t need antidepressants (in my opinion) you’re exhausted and you’ve come out of an abusive relationship. You’re having a normal human reaction to something that has/is happening.

I would talk to HR at work. If it helps write some things down before you go. Just tell them how much you are struggling at the moment, that you are trying not to be off etc. Hopefully they might agree some days off and also they might have some access to some counselling fairly quickly. It’s better for them if you are in a better place going into the holidays etc.
Did you tell them about the high blood pressure? To me it sounds very much like you should be having an occ health referral anyway.

Have you got any summer clubs sorted for the school holidays, give you a few days on your own?

@Smilingbuttired Hope you are doing ok OP? Just wondering how you are getting on? I was signed off work for 4 weeks at the very same time of this thread but, due to sheer volume of work only. My situation was somewhat different to yours.

In any event, I have returned to work full time but having dropped 7 hrs a week and now much more manageable for me. My school have been amazing.

I hope you are ok and that things have become more manageable for you. I know we are in different circumstances but, I have been where you are now in the past so understand. I hope you took the time you needed. Hope you are in a good place OP. Often think of you and sending you strength.