My girlfriend is pushing me away - how to help her

[MrB1996]

My girlfriend is pushing me away - I love her to bits but she’s pushing me away.
Shes struggling a lot with her mental health and awaiting a whole load of assessment. I’ve never seen her quite this bad.
The issue is that she simply doesn’t trust me. I am in this relationship for the long haul, but she just doesn’t believe how that’s possible. She has an awful view on herself and is so so mean to herself, so projects her views on herself on me. Her issues have caused a few arguments; she’s also had a few arguments. Therefore she’s convinced that there’s no way I look at her ‘the same way I did’ when we met, because of everything I’ve seen and been through with her. She genuinely cannot fathom it.

That causes the biggest issue for me - being compared. She constantly compares me to “how I used to be”. This is something I honestly can’t stand, and she’ll compare two things that are completely different situations. She expects the same reaction from me every time.

The other thing that is pushing me away is the fact she’s always telling me I’m better off without her. Literally every day she’s saying I should dump her, or I should “find someone who does XYZ”. It’s almost as if she wants it to happen.
I told her that this is going to push me away eventually, and that the more she tells me this, the more I’m going to start believing it.
She practically had a meltdown here and is now convinced I’ll dump her.

Yesterday we argued for pretty much the whole day. I play sport and sometimes play all weekend. She told me that she felt hurt that I didn’t want to spend Sundays with her. I reminded her that this very Sunday, I didn’t play sport and chose to spend the day with her and her family.
She just kept repeating herself anyway.
I got frustrated because she was just not understanding and I had to keep repeating myself. She then got upset and said her brain doesn’t work properly and she can’t take anything in and she “doesn’t understand”.

She then went to work and it continued over text. I ended up so angry because she just kept repeating herself, telling me I don’t care about her, how I’m fed up of her. I said she’s just choosing not to trust me at this point. I said I didn’t want picking up from work and that I’d make my own way home. She ended up crying and begging and so she got her way and took me home even though I just wanted to make my own way home.
I told her how this comes across manipulative and now she’s convinced I think she’s manipulative in general.
Anyway, we chatted and I comforted her. But later in the night it starts again. We’re chatting until 2am and she’s just saying the same thing over and over again, saying how she doesn’t deserve me and “how can I possibly love her”. I tell her multiple times a day that I do, but she’s only hung up on the negative stuff. How she’s clearly “vile and manipulative”.
I said I just wanted to go to sleep but we ended up staying up late and she cried again.

This morning she’s beating herself up completely. She won’t stop apologising for being manipulative and horrible.
I am someone who wakes up and it’s a new day. I love her so much and I know that I stick around for the positives. She’s an amazing girl and she’s really struggling. I wake up and for me, it’s over, and I want to go back to loving her and having fun.
But she’s still dwelling.

How can I support her?

So... I'm a guy... and I married this girl. The absolute best piece of advice I can give you is to run, and run far and fast, in fact, I'd almost plead with you to.

It does not change. We all start off strong. We all think she's really nice "when she's not acting this way", we all cling on to those times and try to see her as she is when she's not like this... "oh, these times will pass... when she's nice, she's amazing", etc... but it wears you down.

All your quotes, I could have written. Depression, manipulation, a constant need for reassurance... then using lines like "I know I'm hard work" as if that's meant to be some comfort to you like they acknowledge how difficult they are, like the (supposed?) Alcoholics Anonymous mentra "the first step is acknowledging you have a problem". Trust me, this will only get much worse, because the more she does this, she more ammunition she has on herself, that will make her depressed, will make her question why you're with her, that will force you to prove your love to her ten times more than the last to prove it "isn't affecting you"...

I live this life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My best friend actually told me, that she may be acknowledging her 'disability', but that doesn't change the fact you're still her punching bag. I wake up every day with a banging in my chest because I am physically afraid of saying anything as it will often be taken out of context, will be used against me, etc... and then they'll act perfectly normal and loving ten minutes later because it's like a switch! They might even apologise, but this sort of thing truly is a death by a thousand cuts.

"She constantly compares me to “how I used to be”."
Literally every day she’s saying I should dump her"
"She’s convinced I think she’s manipulative in general."
“how can I possibly love her”
"She won’t stop apologising for being manipulative and horrible."

"I know that I stick around for the positives." <--- This is the key quote. Eventually the scales will tip, but you'll have built a life together. You'll fear waking up, or like me, you'll even fear coming home because your freedom is peaceful, or worse, you'll fear coming home because will their depression have pushed them over the edge.

I know it's not what you want to hear. Just ask yourself whether there is a pit in your stomach when you wake up next to her. Is your life built on the hope of what she 'was' before this developed.

Life is too short and you only get one go at it. Too short to be someone’s emotional punchbag.

Do you live together? I would take a step away from the relationship until she manages her MH better. It isn’t doing either of you any good at the moment.

This is such a difficult situation but you can’t help her if she’s not also trying to help herself. Nobody can “fix” someone else, however much we may wish to.
The hardest thing to do here may also be the best thing for both of you: give her some space.

We do live together and honestly she makes me very very happy, I know she’s trying hard to get better. It’s only a recent thing she’s been a dream up until recently

She's not in the right space for a relationship - let her go and walk away. You can let the people who support her know so they can be there for her.

Kindly, this is her problem to fix not yours.

I'd tell her you are only friends while this is going on. Absolutely nothing more. You'll support her, you'll be there for her, but you can't be more invested due to the impact its having on you. No way I'd stay in this relationship.

How old are you both op? Is she getting any support for her mental health? Any therapy/meds/under a mental health team? Honestly I agree with pp. I’m female and had a female best friend for many many years who was like this. I watched her sabotage the only 2 long term relationships she ever had. The first man tried for an entire 13 years with her, the second for 5. It took the first man many years to get over the damage she caused him during the relationship. The second one is now under a mental health team himself, and also seeing a therapist and on medication, she absolutely destroyed him in the end. I’m good friends with him now, he says he’ll never get in a relationship with anyone ever again, and I believe him. It got to the point where I was helping her so much that it started to affect my own life and relationships, until eventually one night I completely blew up at her, ranted all the home truths about the toxic way she treats her family and friends no matter what we do for her (and we’ve done a fucking lot), and we haven’t spoken since. People like this are damaged beyond repair and will never change. Imagine staying with her and your entire life being like this. The constant arguments, accusations, and she’ll not stop until she has control of everything that you do as she’ll make your life not worth living otherwise

No way would I stay with her, she sounds abusive.

Does she have a diagnosis of BPD or trauma history? I’m not saying the way she’s treating you is ok, it’s not, but some of what you’ve described does potentially suggest there are other things going on.

You say in one of your updates that this is a recent thing. Do either of you know what triggered it? Is she doing anything to seek help if this is out of the norm behaviour for her? If not, I'd be asking why.

The barrage of messages and trying to cut you off from your sport does sound dangerous though. It'll take its toll on your mental health and you need firm boundaries around that.

Personally, I'd say to her she needs to seek help or you're out of there

I was going to say this. She sounds like she has an extreme fear of rejection

How long have you lived together? When did this behaviour start? Do you have any idea what may have triggered her?

This isn't about you, it's about her low self esteem, her negative thought patterns, her self fulfilling prophecies. She is trying (subconsciously) to test you and push you away, if you stay then you must love her to put up with it all, if you go well that just proves how awful she is, and in her head proves she was right all along.

The only way she can change is with great effort and lots of therapy. And its probably better for her to be single for this, as it will be incredibly difficult to change her thought processes while she is in the cycle of a relationship.

You aren't a mental health professional, and even if you were it wouldn't be a good idea for you to treat someone so close to you. There is literally nothing you can do. Even if you were the perfect partner she would convince herself of something (you're faking it because you're cheating, you bought her flowers as you're hiding something etc).

You need to leave her so she can get help. And before she drags you down with her. Sorry. There is literally nothing else you can do, other than stay and accept you're going to be in a permanent cycle of emotional exhaustion from trying to reassure someone constantly

She needs to not be in a relationship right now. To work on her self esteem and learn to love and respect herself.

Then ahead of can start a healthy relationship

There’s absolutely no way this relationship can continue as it is. She’ll bring you down with her, it sounds harsh but life is short and she needs professional help. I got exhausted just reading that!

This is one of those where, if your partner was a man, everyone would be telling you to walk away. And that (in my opinion, as a woman!) is what you should do. This is essentially emotional abuse. There may be mental health problems or a personality disorder at the heart of it, but that doesn't mean it's OK for her to treat you like this. It IS abusive and it IS controlling and it IS manipulative.

I was in an 8 year relationship exactly like this. It didn’t start like that of course. We had really good times and loved each other so much. But the insecurities, the questioning, the probing. You having to constantly try and comfort that person and say the same things over and over and over.
My ex partner was so mentally abusive it took me years to heal. I look back now and I honestly don’t know how I did it. Having the constantly think about every little thing I’m saying so he couldn’t pick it apart. Having to confirm I love him and no one else and he is worthy 20 times a day.
the whole “you could have anyone, why me? I don’t deserve you. You will leave me and find somebody better”
It’s just draining. Absolutely mentally and eventually physically draining.
We broke up around 10 years ago and are still friends. I am good friends with his now girlfriend, and he hasn’t changed. I’ve seen how it’s taken its toll on her too after years of being with him. He won’t change, he can’t.
We went for therapy and even the therapist basically shrugged him off and said “with some people, it’s just part of their grain”
My honest advice is to either help her get some
therapy or see a GP for maybe antidepressants, or leave…. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It truly is hell 💕

The best way you can support her is to tell her to get therapy to sort out this issue, and put boundaries in place to shut these unhealthy conversations down when she starts.
Make both of these a condition of the relationship continuing.

You need to end it. When she's in a better place mentally she can think about dating, but right niw she's dragging herself amd you further down.

She is in therapy but struggling to pay for it each week so thinking of dropping it down. She’s currently awaiting ASD and ADHD assessments is on the waiting list

If you are in the UK tell her to talk to her GP, they can refer her to therapy on the NHS. She could try CBT to manage her need to constantly contact you to say how worthless she feels.
You perceive her behaviour as 'pushing you away' because she is vulnerable; but its possible she is engaging in the Karpman Drama Triangle (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.) Its not that she doesn't understand. Its that she needs someone who will fit the roles on the merry go round, and your reasonable, reassuring behaviour doesn't fulfil her need.
But it isn't going to fix the problem either.

Op just leave, please. I'm not sure if you're a guy- watch abused by my girlfriend in bbc iplayer, read the testimonials on the man kind forum. I've specialised in domestic abuse for years in the justice system. She was a dream at the start because she was setting you up not to leave, this is the real her. Believe it and go.

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder

Life shouldn’t be this hard.

If this is a recent thing I would be wondering if she’s trying to push you away deliberately - she no longer wants to be on a relationship but doesn’t want the responsibility of ending it so she’s pushing you to do it.

She could genuinely be in a crap mental state, but she’s being very unfair to you in the way she’s handling it.

Either way I’d leave. Life’s too short and there is much happiness to be had, don’t waste precious time here.