Oldest friends children are bullies

[MeMeV]

AIBU to cut off contact with a friend of 20 years because her children aren’t very nice and bully my younger autistic child. They laugh at my child, talk about how weird they are, watch them for long periods of time sniggering …
I no longer meet up with the children but do I cut her off completely?
Friend is the type of parent who believes her children do no wrong. I have seen her deny they have done things and multiple parents have expressed concerns at school about her children being mean to theirs.
confronting her wouldn’t achieve anything as she wouldn’t see it or acknowledge it. Her primary school child used a racial slur in soft play, she completely denied it happened when she was approached by another parent.

AIBU to just cut her off with no explanation after such a long friendship? Or do I tell her and then it cause a massive argument that still leads to cutting her off?

Yanbu to cut her off. I would however tell her exactly why you're doing it - even if it leads to a big argument .

How old are the children?

My child 5.
Friends children 8 and 9.

Absolutely this. The more people that tell her maybe someday she'll wake up and start parenting them.

I wonder if she knows exactly what they’re like and just sticks her head in the sand…

Don't generalise with friend but describe and explain and point out each incident, as it happens. Then she is more likely to see it and parent her children at the time. It will allow her to understand your reasons for not socialising with her as much too.
The kids could learn to be much more considerate with their mother's intervention.

I had a good friend whos child lied about my child to get herself out of trouble. Even when it was proven she still refused to accept her child had lied. I couldn't stay friends with her.

Maybe a bit unreasonable to cut off a close, long-standing friend (if that's what she is) without explanation. I'm sure this is easier said than done but I'd explain to her that her children are upsetting yours, then see where things go from there.

You could describe in detail what is happening to your child by 2 unnamed older children and ask her advice for what to do. Assuming she’d say confront or cut them off then you can follow the advice. Friendship can’t be saved but maybe she can reflect on what’s happening.

You need to tell her to give her a chance to address it and maybe save the friendship, ghosting someone is awful and making excuses won’t help anyone. Maybe if such a good friend is telling her what everyone else is she will take it in.

Cut her off but tell her why. It will be a difficult conversation but it needs to be done. You need to protect your child and your friend should understand why.

I have a friend whose kids,, esp the younger one, bullied my kid so I only ever see her on her own now.

She's otherwise a very nice person though, I don't think she'd pretend her child hadn't said a racial slur. Nor would she deny her child's behaviour was a problem.
She wouldn't be in denial and would be trying to deal with it quietly. She's so gentle though and the character of the younger child is such that I doubt much will ever change. He even batters his older sibling and just gets a little time out & gentle talk. So I don't think he stopped.

Your friend sounds like a very different type of character from that however.

Is she really a very good friend otherwise?

If you do cut her off or slow fade, I really wouldn't bother discussing why. From what you've written she'll not acknowledge anything is wrong at her end and will just attack you; you'll get nothing but stress and annoyance out of it.

Oh and where do you think her kid heard the racial slur?

I have no idea. I have known her for a long time and never heard her say anything like this herself. She does swear ALOT and so do her children but I was even shocked to hear about the racial slur.

I’d also like to add that members of her own family have tried to address this with her and this has led to huge arguments

You need to cut her off.
My dm had a friend who’s dc were awful and their dm defended them whatever.
Fortunately they moved away when I was 10.
I hated the dm though because I knew my own dm would never have allowed us to be rude to other people. I also judged my own dm for allowing the family into our home.
These dc get their bad behaviour from their dm so if they are nasty to your dc where have they heard it?

Given that you aren’t going to stay friends, I think you should do the decent thing and explain why. Sometimes when enough people tell you something, you start to believe it. Perhaps, so far, she hasn’t been told enough or realised the repercussions of it. The children are still of an age where she might be able to make some changes and they will all thank you for it in the future.

OP, I would think long and hard about her actions and responses to situations and question are they the responses of a decent person? If you decide they are not, then make your decision.

I've had to do similar- although the trigger situation was very different. It made me look at the whole friendship and I realised how unhappy it made me. I don't have any contact with that person any more.

Tell her. It might be uncomfortable but she needs to be hearing the truth about her children repeatedly. Maybe seeing that it's damaging a longstanding friendship will be the jolt she needs, or maybe it will just form one piece in the puzzle that she later sees. These things need speaking up about. Silence is how bullying and denial thrive.