Weird comment by friend

[Zozo1990]

Hi all,

I've got a friend who I've know for 8 yrs. She's been a good friend but I would say I'm more there for her in terms of listening and providing perspective when she's going through something. Her living situation is terrible with her partner and I'm always there every week to let her offload and get things off her chest. We meet up every week and we chat over the phone too. I value her friendship.

Anyway, yesterday she said that this lady who she has been friends with for a short while (because their children are friends from scouts group) has not been responding to her messages. And she thinks that's because her son mentioned to this lady's son that he knows my son and we meet up a lot. This lady who is her friend goes to my kids' school. Our sons are in the same class but whenever I try to make eye contact to say hello, she always looks away or when I open the gate and she's there she will just look down, so I've never actually had a conversation with her. I got the impression maybe she doesn't want to talk to me or she's busy. But for my friend to say she thinks that she's stopped talking ti her because of my son or me. My son doesn't play with her son in school, they're a two form school and he has his own set of friends.

It almost felt like she was blaming myself and my son for her so-called friend not talking to her. She said ever since my son told her son that he knows "Alfie" she has stopped talking to me. That lady in question has seen my friend and I together and will always say hello to my friend but won't acknowledge me not even a friendly smile or a quick hi, which is fine and my friend knows this is how she behaves with me so why on earth is she thinking that her friend isn't talking to her because of me.

It feels like she's almost blaming us for her friend not talking to her.

AIBU to be a little upset and taken aback by this??

Would you rather your friend just didn't tell you? At least she's being open and honest, I suppose. What happened with this other mother?

Hard to tell from what you say. But if you’re right, it’s so bizarre that it’s hardly worth worrying about. Surely it’s something to laugh at, rather than feel offended?

I don't know why you're taking it personally?

She's pointing out that her friend is jealous of your friendship, by the sound of it.

It's all very childish though, would you agree?

The other mother is her friend not mine. Why would her friend stop talking to her because of me or my son when we don't talk to that lady or her son. Like never had one conversation.

Very strange behaviour on both sides.

Why would the other mother blank you?

Why does your friend think she has stopped responding to her because the two of you are friends?

Did anything happen between your child and school yard mums child?

These are all questions you're never likely to find an answer to and we certainly can't help with answers.

I think the best way forward is to stop giving her headspace.

Nothing whatsoever has happened. My child and her child don't play together and I have no idea why the lady blanks me. It is weird. I find it strange. I did say to my friend that she should just speak to her friend and ask her why she's gone queit rather than assuming it's because of me (I don't bloody know the woman).

These are the questions I've said to my friend who thinks the lady perhaps has stopped talking to her because of us. I just find it all strange.

My god I just had a flashback to highschool. Claire said to Miley said to Lauren that you said to Jake that Emily has bad hair.

If it's bothering you ask her. Surely after eight years of friendship you should be able to just say "hey, I was thinking about what you said the other day and I've been worrying that you're blaming me for [woman] not talking to you anymore, is everything ok?"

Your friend needs to talk to school yard mum and ask her if everything is ok. She sounds like hard work…….

I wouldn't keep thinking about it 🤷‍♂️

I did ask her. I've told her that I don't talk to this lady, never have so why would you assume she's stopped talking to you cause of me.. And I've also asked her to ask her friend why she's gone queit instead of assuming it's because of me or my son.

Agreed totally.

Far too many MNetters seem to have friends they don't have basic communication with.

If you read what I wrote up above, I have had a conversation with her about it. I'm not one to stew, I just wanted to know if it's weird that she made those comments and the connection she has made when I don't know the lady in question.

Yeah I cross posted.

Of course it's weird, how could it not be, given what you've said about it?

Just hang tight then and see what your friend says once she's had a word with her.

If you read what I wrote up above, I have had a conversation with her about it.
And what was her answer when you asked her why she believes this?

Soooo... What did she say then? Surely her comment is only weird if you asked her what she meant by it and she responded with "yes, I blame you" with a blank stare on her face and backed slowly out of the room? If she explained herself or explained that she doesn't feel that way at all, doesn't that nullify any weirdness?

I've asked her why she would think that we are the reason that her friend has stopped talking to her... She said it's because she got the impression that the didn't like me as she always blanks me. So I've said to her that if you're upset about it you should talk to her.

I guess the reason why I felt a tad offended is because it felt like she was almost blaming me and my son for her friend not talking to her. But as I said maybe I'm being over sensitive. Thanks for responses, everyone.

Yes, I’d say this warrants an ‘Oh?’ and no further thought.

This is a non-issue.

I’d want to ask your friend why she is friends with someone who is so incredibly rude in the first place.

Honestly, the weirdest behaviour happens outside the school gate. Playground problems seem mature in comparison... Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Thats weird then. I wouldn't worry though unless more stuff happens.

School gate stuff can be weird. I agree with wordsmithery, ignore everything unless it's super blatant. Parents are just anxious and all over the place.

It does sound like your friend is jumping to conclusions and might be reading more into the other friends lack of messaging her. Some people are like that, they are intensely interested in being friends for a bit but then they decide that they don't have as much in common or can't get what they want out of the friendship. They feel awkward so rather than saying something they just drift away.

The other possibility for them blanking you when you have had no contact could be that they are autistic. I'm a mum of a young adult who has autism and some of the description of looking down as she passes you are similar to her difficulty with connecting to strangers. If so, it's not a judgement on you or an indicator that they don't like you, just feeling insecure and don't know what to do. As their relationship with your friend is different and more friendly, it's less challenging for an autistic person as they are a known entity and more predictable to them. I'm not saying that this is definitely what is happening here, but it's something that would explain what is on the face of it, rather bizarre behaviour.

Try not to feel upset with your friend, I don't think her intention was to blame you or your son. I think it was more trying to understand what happened and the reason for the unexplained change. I think she was trying to find out if you or son had had a falling out with the lady and she didn't know about it. You have been friends for a long time and enjoy each others company. It would be a shame to let some speculation about a third person's behaviour derail it. Better to acknowledge that it's a bizarre behaviour they have towards you and someone who must be quite fragile emotionally, if the thought of having a mutual friend upsets them enough to think cutting off contact is a reasonable thing to do. I've had friends who aren't particularly friendly towards other friends. You just keep them a bit separate when planning activities where they might clash and where it's unavoidable to be together, just ask them to be civil and not take sides. Good luck, I'm sorry you're dealing with it.