to think that this is a final reason to cut off MIL? *TW*

[milsenemy]

TW SA (just to be cautious)

Realistically, it’s down to DH what happens with MIL - he’s been LC-NC for 3 years now and she blames me despite it not being any thing to do with me. They would be talking fine if she listened to what he needed (it’s very stately homes).

Since MIL has been vile about me, called me names, wished DH left me at the alter (told everyone this!) etc.

However - the point of my post:
MIL has a close friend and her children grew up with DH. He considered her like an aunt. She had a son, I’ll call him John.

I met John in 2017 at a wedding and immediately felt repulsed by him. I was made to feel stupid/difficult/ trying to control DH (DP then, John is attractive and likes to party). But John had never been mentioned before and we never spoke to him again, our lives are different despite them being same age. I was pleased and I had said to DH I felt like he had raped me in a past life - which felt ridiculous but it’s the first time I had this feeling.

Flash forward to now, John has been charged with multiple offences against women over a long period and investigation - from stalking to rape. He also was in possession of Class A images (rape). He is in a lengthy trial and DH and I did decide to go to one day to see what happened (we are very interested in law and have been to other cases). His defence is completely victim blaming (“you wanted it didn’t you” “you gave him oral before” “you were very drunk so how would you remember if you consented”) and pushed me over the edge. John maintains all was consensual. He is protesting his innocence all over his social media. At best, if John is “innocent”, he is a misogynist with no respect of women (he argues rape is a fantasy as is women being hurt in sex crimes etc but the women consented to pretending he was raping them) and at worst he is a sex offender who needs locking up.

So, John’s statuses were about how he’s ready to show how he’s innocent and how he is going to be exonerated (I saw none of this at court) and MIL has liked them all and told him to stay strong, that she supports him. She also texted DH randomly when he was first charged to tell him and said “innocent until proven guilty”. She also believes women regularly take things too far and lie. She believes the women are lying from what I’ve gauged and her comments years ago… despite having a daughter and granddaughter. She said her biggest fear in life is her sons being falsely accused of rape, rather than the statistical likelihood of her DD being raped.

So AIBU that this means there’s no going back? We are too fundamentally different on this alone to not remain in touch? I am due to give birth (to a boy) soon and it changes if I’d want her near my children with such opinions.

When you go LC/NC with someone it's important to stop caring about what they think. Not only about you, but about everything and everyone else. You can't fix people. But you are unreasonable to back away and then still be this invested about getting validation for how wrong and bad she is. It's no longer your concern.

The woman is entitled to say innocent until proven guilty. If she has known him all his life then I guess she might be blinded by that

I find it slightly odd that you went to
court under these circumstances. Honestly were you there to gloat ?!

Who in their right mind goes to watch a rape trial? I mean I can understand your interest in going to watch some things but not that!!

Sorry, you think he raped you in a past life? What batshittery is this?

I felt like he had raped me in a past life

You sound like a very strange person, (who the fuck goes to watch a rape trial? ) and someone who is very hard work to be around.

If you're NC then all this is just unnecessary and I'm sorry to say you sound like you're enjoying the drama.

I mean some of the things you say make sense, for example your main AIBU point. However it’s surrounded by weirdness. Past life rapist, going to the trial…these things are not normal…

This is crackers.
Past life rape? 🤨

Since MIL has been vile about me, called me names, wished DH left me at the alter (told everyone this!) etc.

Why do you need her opinion on rape and rapists to be a reason not to see her? That wasn’t enough?

Your court attendance is quite odd, too. You really thought this was the case to indulge your hobby over?

You are actively immersing yourself in all of this- why?
just step away and have a better life

Madness.

You don't have to have anything to do with him or her again.

It sounds like you didn't really have anything to do with her anyway so just stay no contact.

I get what you mean OP.. I don't know why people are reacting so badly. Yeah it's not well worded but basically you mean he gave off 'rapist' vibes when you met but without any behaviour you could have pinpointed.. so it felt like he had 'raped you in a past life' ... you just mean you were having a repulsed reaction to him as though he had sexually assaulted you even tho he hadn't.
I had similar with someone once and it turned out he was actually a rapist.
I think you pick up on subtle body language and stuff like that.... but it seems mad because they've not actually done anything to you yet you feel repulsed and afraid. I totally get what you meant.

I think like others have said, you need to totally disconnect from MIL and work on not caring about or getting drawn into, anything she says or does.
You are correct that she is not someone who should be in your life or around your children.
It sounds like she was emotionally abusive to your husband during childhood which on its own is enough reason to not have her in your life even without all the stuff she's done now

None of this is any of your business. Don't engage.

He is innocent until proven guilty .. is the central tennent of Criminal Law in this country.

The evidence is in front of the court, and they will make a decision based on that.

For people who are close to criminals, it can take the guilty verdict coming through, before they accept what happened, happened.

Sometimes people are falsely accused, I would dare not very often, but it does happen. Though getting a rape case to court it fairly difficult, so getting a false one there must be neigh on impossible.

Not sure about “raped in a previous life” .. that’s an odd statement.

YANBU , cut her off, already.
you don’t need this many dire reasons, and you don’t need anyone’s support to pay attention to these feelings that are speaking to you so clearly.

Sometimes you get a feeling from someone that gives you the creeps. It's not possible to explain why.

This is exactly how I saw it too. Not sure why others aren't getting it.

To be honest @milsenemy I think you should have went NC after she told people she wished he'd left you at the altar. I'd have nothing to do with her after that, and as it happens, my MIL said very similar about me, and so I cut her out. Vile woman.

I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction about John. Hopefully, she'll see the guilty verdict, although, she then might be fighting his case as an "injustice". He sounds creepy as fuck. But you're right to keep away from her and if she's toxic to you then really you're best keeping your children away from her too.