Needs to be 'shown' how to do it

[ChicShark]

This evening partner puts DC to bed as she insists he sleeps on the floor while she falls asleep which she does quite quickly as she is very tired. He then comes and informs me that she's fallen asleep on the floor and I need to put her in bed. I ask him to put her to bed as I'm very tired. He then proceeds to tell me that I need to 'show him'. It wasn't enough to explain to him how it should be done but that I needed to go with him to 'demonstrate' as he didn't want to wake her up. He then goes and puts her in bed but comes back to tell me that she is now in bed but sleeping the wrong way and that I need to go and turn her around as the cushioned bumpers are not at the end of the bed.

He insists on needing to be 'shown' how to do most things for example how to put her in her car seat or drive her on his own in the car despite the fact that she is now 2.5 years old. He even asked a work colleague to fit the child seat mirror. He once made oatmeal for her and just added milk without heating it up despite the fact he has in the past made oatmeal how it should be done.

More often than not the needing to be 'shown' how to do it extends to most things.

He is educated and attended a top private school. I feel it's probably the result of how he was parented rather than him being to blame. He genuinely believes he needs to be 'shown' how to do it. AIBU ?

Because this isn’t operating a complicated piece of machinery, cooking a difficult recipe or solving quadratic equations. It’s literally picking up a child and placing her in a bed, and apparently even that is too hard and he got her the wrong way round. I might expect a teenage babysitter or something to want reassurance or be nervous - this is the child’s actual parent. It’s pathetic.

I’d bet money it’s not anxiety, it’s weaponised incompetence.

And these people walk amongst us...

This is deliberate, weaponised incompetence.
He does it to get out of doing anything, he knows this will frustrate you & is banking on you doing it yourself rather than ask him.

Do it back to him ask him to show you how to fill the car with petrol, how to lock the front door properly, how to load the dishwasher whatever & etc

Yep. If he goes all "oh um can you show me how" about the tiniest thing, he's avoiding doing it himself.
I agree with a pp though, you shouldn't be allowing a 2 year old to "insist" her dad sleeps on the floor until she falls asleep.

No wonder so many woman go off sex after having children.
Such stupidity is so unattractive.

I ask him to put her to bed as I'm very tired. He then proceeds to tell me that I need to 'show him'. It wasn't enough to explain to him how it should be done but that I needed to go with him to 'demonstrate' as he didn't want to wake her up. He then goes and puts her in bed but comes back to tell me that she is now in bed but sleeping the wrong way and that I need to go and turn her around as the cushioned bumpers are not at the end of the bed.

This is particularly nasty of him.
Even if you want to twist yourself in knots to say, “oh poor menz, he is an anxious type around his child” and somehow excuse the fact he doesn’t know how to lift up a child (I mean: WTAF?) he did it the first time. So fancy that, he can lift his child. But oh no, you weren’t getting away with not doing his bidding, were you? You got your punishment for sticking to your guns that he should lift his child. He put her the “wrong way round” to try to force you to do what he told you to do in the first place. That’s some proper arsehole manipulation there.

So did you go and turn her around for him? 🤨

"I agree with a pp though, you shouldn't be allowing a 2 year old to "insist" her dad sleeps on the floor until she falls asleep."

Really? Haven't most of us used some sort of child centred ritual to help small children sleep?

Ye it’s not ideal but it’s not the point. He’s the problem.

Just say no OP. Say "I'm not coming to show you. I'm sure you can figure it out for yourself, just like I did the first time I had to do it." Stop enabling his idiocy.

What's "oatmeal"? (Misses point of thread).

I think he sounds anxious, scared of getting it wrong, and out of his depth. Show him, but also reassure him that most of these things aren’t right or wrong. If he does get things wrong, be gentle and patient. What is obvious to you clearly isn’t to him.

@bridgetreilly "I think he sounds anxious, scared of getting it wrong, and out of his depth. Show him"

The child is nearly 3. Why does he still have to be shown?

No. Bedtime is bedtime then adults have the evening to themselves.

Ha ha ha ha! I don't think I will be the only one for whom bedtime is a flexible concept!

OP, if you believe this is anything other weaponised incompetence, I have an amazing opportunity for you to purchase the Eiffel Tower as scrap metal.

The more you engage with it, the more he will do it. Do not engage. If it were me, I would say: “I’m not sure I believe that, I’m sure you can figure it out.” Then walk away and do whatever else it was you preferred doing.

No I daresay not but kids need to learn how to settle themselves. I’m not saying we weren’t up and down the stairs in the beginning but no one slept on the floor etc. That is letting the child dictate and once you start it you have to keep doing it

God that would drive me insane. He doesn't know how to make porridge? Or how to put a child in bed the right way round. DP had a conversation about this the other day, not in terms of him personally, just fathers in general. The fact that the responsibility and mental load of learning how to do things falls to the mother who then has to teach the father. Nobody has ever shown me how to do anything for DS.

Re. DD I don't see a problem with the sleeping on the floor. It's harmless autonomy. But I wouldn't carry her into bed. A floor bed is probably a good shout.

"God that would drive me insane. He doesn't know how to make porridge? Or how to put a child in bed the right way round. DP had a conversation about this the other day, not in terms of him personally, just fathers in general. The fact that the responsibility and mental load of learning how to do things falls to the mother who then has to teach the father. Nobody has ever shown me how to do anything for DS."

Quite! It's as if women come pre-loaded with these abiltiiesand knowledge, isn't it?

@Cattery "That is letting the child dictate and once you start it you have to keep doing it"

Easier to rest with the child fir a while til the go to sleep than be up and down stairs all evening. As my mother used to say "It's only a very short peice of your life."

How do you show him how to drive when there is a child in the car? Are we supposed to drive differently when we have child passengers?

While this sounds annoying, it’s not that bad. I don’t think he deserves some of the nasty comment on here. He just doesn’t feel confident with certain things and is anxious about getting them right for his daughter. Plenty of new Mums need to be shown how to do basic things like bath a baby and parents show grandparents how to use the car seat before they use it alone. No one criticises them for it.

It wasn’t all night but I know what you mean. We never started the being in the same room tho

Yes, this behaviour is very tedious. I always think it's sort of passive aggressive and a way to make sure you ask very little of them.

Many people are visual learners and learn by seeing others doing things. He’s probably also a bit worried about getting a ticket if he hasn’t done it “properly” by the sound of things. People can be academically excellent but not quite as strong in other things, no one is perfect. Give the guy a break.

Oh wow. It’s never been like that in my house and I’d hate it that way round. My children are part of our family and not somethings that are put away at a certain time. I suggest you get a book or a laptop rather than have a child if you want to be rid of something at a particular time!

He sounds low in confidence and pathetic with it. Stop pandering to it and get him to figure it out. By showing him all these ridiculously simple things, you’re just colluding with him that he can’t do it himself- and thus the cycle continues.

I couldn’t be with someone like that.