To ask how to divide finances?

[newlyblended]

So some background info. Im currently a single parent to 3 kids, now older at 16, 17 and 22. The 22 year old works full time, 16 & 17 year old in full time education, both intend to go to a local uni and stay at home for the foreseeable future. My partner of 3 years is about to move in with us, probably at the end of the summer holidays. He is someone i and my children have known 20 years, my younger two have known him their entire lives. Though we have only been together the past 3 years. My marriage to their father broke down in 2014, it has just been myself and the children ever since. When we got together he knew that taking it slow was important to me as i didnt want any further disruption to my childrens lives. Now all my children are out of school, this is a step we can take. He doesnt currently live locally, nearly 3 hours away, but he visits, and i visit him both with and without my children. I have sat down and discussed with my children about him moving, and they are very happy with the plans. The wait is for his job, it is transferrable, and plans underway, it just takes a little bit of time.

So my question is, how on earth would you split finances? I earn around £34k but my monthly pay varies by up to £400, i still get a small amount of UC (£200-400 a month depending on my overtime, i will stop getting this totally when he moves in) and my eldest contributes £300 a month to the household. I live in a rented council house since we had to sell the home i owned with my husband we were very lucky to get in a lovely sought after area. I plan to keep the house only in my name for a currently unknown amount of time to protect our home incase him moving in doesnt work. He earns slightly less, however, due to my pension and student finance (both undergrad and post grad loans) our take home is about the same.

We are next seeing each other next weekend and i need to broach the topic of household bills, so we have a plan in place that is fair to us both. Ultimately, we are 4 people, he is one, so 50/50 seems unreasonable. My initial thought was i pay 2/3 including the money from my son, he pays 1/3, but im unsure if im chucking myself under a bus here. If it makes any difference i also have zero in savings, and he has 6 months wage saved as a single childfree man. he also currently lives in a place where half his wage is spent on rent, so his outgoings are going to reduce substantially as my rent is already nearly half what he pays at the minute.

The children's costs are 100% my responsibility, all their costs are on me (no CMS either, he has never paid a penny, another story), So i dont want to be seen as taking advantage of another decent wage coming into the house, but i also dont want to be in a position where by im covering a large proportion of the households living costs and he has essentially reduced his outgoings by like 80% (rent already halved, then paying just a third of my current, that is maths i cant do sorry!) moving in with us.

I would not be moving in together at this stage. You are going to lose the universal credit and his income will be used to calculate the loans that your kids can get for university costs. There is quite a lot of losing on your side and I think he would be resentful if he had to cover all that as they are not his children. Is the rush because he lives so far away? Can he rent closer to you? What is his plan for work?

If your 22 year old works full time why should he pay less than your partner?
Another way would be there’s 3 adults and 2 children which equal an adult. Each adult pays 1/4 and you pay an extra 1/4 for the kids costs?

However… be aware that once he’s lived with you for a year, if you died, the house would transfer to him. Not your children

that not how it works in my district - Ive been in the very distressing situation of having to tell a man to reapply for housing, after his girlfriend died unexpectdely and the social house was rented in her sole name - which meant he had to move with the one remains child left living at home. Neither of them could inherit the tenancy from the council - it was a 3 bed house and they both were swiftly rehoused into one bedroomed flats. The other adult children had already fled the nest and living elsewhere.

I agree with this. I think moving in should wait a few years.

You can't be worse off... That should be a given...
So any losses in uc .. plus bills plus share of rent plus share of food...

You may have to guess at additional food costs... And also process if your moving from easy option... Whose actually going to cook?

Does your ur adult child contribute household labour as well.?

Whose cooking/cleaning?

He should be volunteering contribution financial and support.. he is saving rent so is currently good for him..

Ignore the variability in your UC look at a years worth....
You should always agree and tgen review when get actual costs

His job is transferable to here, moving here and private renting is an option, but its been 3 years, neither of us want to wait what another 5 years until my youngest finishes uni? Neither of my kids are leaving home for uni, they want to go to local ones, so the loans they get isnt that much of a big deal as its just money for them alongside any part job, i will support them at home, just as i did for my eldest. We have 3 unis locally, all good, for the subjects they want to do.

My eldest could contribute more yes, but he also pays for the majority of his own food, and is saving for his own deposit. Plus i want him to experience his 20's, with travel etc. The £300 seems fair to him at the minute, but obviously something we can revisit if necessary.

If he is on the tenancy then he should pay half of the rent. If not, then he should pay much less. After all, if it were just the two of you, you could live in a smaller and therefore cheaper property. No way should he be paying half the bills when there are 5 people in the household, regardless as to how much money you'd lose in UC by him moving in. How much each of you earn is pretty irrelevant whilst you’re not yet a committed couple.
I would expect him to contribute 1/5 of all household bills that he benefits from (so not contributing towards the kid’s phone bills for example).

Your DP should pay 1/5 of all bills. Your 22 year old working full time should pay 1/5 of all bills and you should pay 3/5 (for yourself and your 2 other DC).

I'd ask him what he thinks is a fair amount. I think it will tell you a lot about him.

I don't think you can split the bills by working adults because your 2 dependants are not his responsibility.

I think what you lose in benefits + 1/5 of everything rent, council tax, utilities ect is fair. However, I'd see what figure he suggests firsts.

You should definitely not be worse off so don't accept that. No way!! Have a chat with him first as this is a really important topic that you both need to be happy with otherwise it will cause resentment. You should all be better off with him being there, otherwise what's the point?! 💕👌🤨😉

How is it for him to pay ‘what you are worse off for’. That’s not his fault

Of there are five of you living in the house he pays 1/5 of everything (rent, bills, food) plus £300 per month to offset the loss of benefits. If it varies between £200 and £400 per month then £300 is a fair average.

So £300 + 1/5th costs.

How much his living costs fall or how much he has in savings isn’t really any of your concern.

It sounds tricky to find the right balance.

For me I think I would feel a tad resentful that he so much more disposable income than me and I would feel I was subsidising him.

So, again for me, I think I'd stay in separate properties.

Don't add him to your council tenancy.

All three of my kids contribute to the household, thats not going to change, i work 12 hour shifts, they take turns in cooking and washing up when im at work, they have specific to them chores too, He would take a turn in the cooking etc like everyone else does, and he has done when he has stayed when he has visited.

Could you look and see how much you got in UC last year over the course of the whole year rather than this 200-400 per month figure?

What about when your kids move out? Or the eldest goes travelling?

I changed jobs last Nov so i only have 7 months accurate, 5 months its been 300-400, the 2 months it was 200-250

My eldest has no plans to travel long term, i meant holidays. I dont know when they will move out, when they are ready? and we can readdress as that happens. We dont need a plan that involves every step with each child leaving, we need one for now that can be reassessed as stuff changes. Our wages also may not stay static, we both have scope for career development and promotions etc

Theres never going to be a perfect time, and things are always going to change, esp when kids are involved, even when they are older, and ive been on my own since 2014, thats 10 years, im ready to try and find a bit of happiness now, im tired of being lonely, and he has wanted this for the last 2 years. We just need to find a fair plan, and i wanted to go into the conversation with an idea of what is fair.

I find some of these responses absolutely bizarre. Why on earth are people preoccupied with what is fair for him? Like that is the most important issue here??
You are supposed to be in a committed relationship You arnt a pair of kids and he isn't going to be your lodger so stop letting anyone on here let you think he should be paying like one. He has everything to gain here. Why would you even consider having less money for yourself when he is going to have more? He gets sex on tap, someone else cooking for him even though he is very kindly prepared to take his turn in cooking. Still better than him having to fend for himself every night. Will he be mucking in with the housework and doing his own laundry? What will you be getting out of this other than company? Has marriage been discussed? He should be making your life easier not you making his life easier.

I think there are two parts to it: the reimbursement for the lost UC, then an equal share of the bills with the other adults (not counting dependent kids, so currently 3 of you).

So he would pay ~£300 for the UC, then 1/3rd of whatever your monthly bills are (e.g. 20% of £1500 = £500). So £800 total.

That would change over time, though. Your UC entitlement would decrease then stop anyway once your younger kids age out of it, so the portion he is paying as reimbursement for lost UC would also stop. And as they become adults, he would also be paying a smaller share of the monthly bill - 1/4, then 1/5. But as they leave home, he would then start paying more, until it is just the two of you, and he is paying 1/2 of all bills.

What did you work out in the end OP?