School report/ support for child

[DanielGault]

Just got my daughter's last report from primary school. The results were mostly average to low but the comments were all about her lacking confidence. The confidence thing has come up before, last three years I think, to me she doesn't lack confidence but I'm clearly not objective. Her dad is massively not confident in an academic sense, despite being very intelligent (I suspect he's dyslexic but it wasn't a thing when he was growing up so he was just branded 'thick'). What can we do to build her up before secondary?

Does she generally lack confidence or does she lack confidence in her academic ability?

To me, she doesn't lack confidence generally. Eg, she was Olivia in Twelfth Night a few weeks ago. So not a complete shrinking violet. And managed to learn those lines. But all the comments from school have been that she lacks confidence. My sister was somewhat similar, she was v clever but tended to freak out for tests etc.

It would concern me that school has comment on her lack of confidence for the past 3 years but not tried to help your DD.

Can you ask her teacher what they advise to make it easier for your DD at secondary?

My daughter is just at the end of Y6 and we've chosen a secondary that really focuses on their individual confidence. For us it was more important than some of the more academic schools.

They have done loads, they're a great school tbf. But she seems, just like her dad, to feel inferior when it comes to schoolwork. They're always very encouraging, we're always very encouraging. I can see with her that she would prefer not to try in case she makes a mistake. We've tried to work on that, nobody gets cross etc, but it doesn't seem to have worked. I was a lazy kid in school myself but I coasted with better results. She won't be able to coast like that in secondary.

Is it the classic issue of high achieving girls who don’t like it when the work is challenging and they don’t know the answer? This very common.

Tbf I don't think it's that. I think she does struggle to some extent but manages to cover it up iyswim? She's just like her dad. We've asked about dyslexia a few times but no joy.

What makes you suspect dyslexia? Are you able to pay for a private assessment?

How are your sister and dh doing as adults? Ask them what helped them come out of their shell? Is your dd perhaps just introverted? They can't all be go getters but it's hard to see your dc shying away from things. What makes you think she is not unconfident? During what situations and activities is your dd happiest? Not everyone likes the classroom environment. Could she be into drama, art, sports? The more extra curricular activities you try the more likely she is to find something that sticks. Encourage your dd to do 3 things each day at school that she needs to be brave for and tell you when she gets home.

I suspect dyslexia because her dad seems to me to be dyslexic. He couldn't read 'bar na hAlba' in Edinburgh. It's Scottish but it's exactly like Irish, which we learn for our entire primary and secondary career. And it's simple. But it was martian to him. We're not able to pay privately no. We've asked and asked, and they've always said no. So we ended up thinking we were a bit mad.

My sister is an educational psychologist, so she's flying! DH has worked in manual jobs quite successfully. DD is hard to get a handle on, she seems quite confident but that said, she's a really hard nut to crack when it comes to difficult conversations. With her confidence, it seems mostly to do with academics. And I suppose, there has been some bullying from supposed 'friends' in the last couple of years. But we have tried and tried to help her with this and she gives nothing away. I'm dreading secondary tbh 😰

That's hard, if she doesn't readily confide in you. Sorry to sound like a MN cliché but could she be autistic? No being able to mentalise, that is reflect on and verbalise emotional experiences is not unusual for autistic girls. Can you encourage her to step out of her comfort zone by braving things she'd not normally do? If there has been bullying then no wonder if she feels shy and wants to not draw attention to her. Does she have playdates and friends she is close to?

I don't think she's autistic, but who's to know at the same time? As I said above though, she took took the lead role in a Shakespeare play this year so she's not shy. I can't quite make her out tbh. When I was younger, I was just shy. I would have hated a play. She loved it. She has friends, but she did go through a very tough time with her original group. They're all going to split up now with secondary thankfully, I hope secondary is a fresh start for her in that regard.

Two suggestions.

Firstly, is there any way that you can work on any subject slightly ahead of the class. With proper scaffolding - a heads-up on what is coming - she might find the confidence to shine. This will have a knock on benefit for other subjects and situations. It would also reframe her position with her peer group.

Secondly, can you develop a 'thing' for her? Something that she excels at that can underpin her self-esteem. It can be academic or extracurricular or even quite niche. The less mainstream the activity is, the less competition she will have.

Thank you. I'll have to give that some thought. Very helpful though and much appreciated 👍

Have you looked into her doing drama?
Dd1 is very shy, but she'd go on a stage and act/sing in front of anyone. She says she can put a non-shy character on, but not in RL.
And ds (has ASD) has a fantastic drama social group that have all grown up together and are really supportive of each other.

I did ask her about that a few times but it was a flat no. I wasn't going to push it. But tbh I was surprised she was so against it.

Have you asked your sisters opinion, if she is an educational psychologist would she be the perfect person to have a chat with about it? I don’t know much about it as a job but it sounds like she might be a great first stop? Especially if the dyslexia thing privately is a no go.

I did but she went into full on work mode and tbh we weren't ready for that. She wanted to ring the school etc. But prior to that she hadn't expressed any worries, DD is very engaging etc. definitely doesn't come across as lacking in confidence in social settings at all. We may have to revisit talking to my sister but I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking her tbh. Like, it's possible DD is just not all that academic? I don't know?

The fact that your dd is socially confident is brilliant. She might very well come into her own at secondary school away from the difficult friend group. Being socially adept is one of the best things in life and she can find her interest and still do well academically. At the end of the day, maybe her primary school got her all wrong.

Is she the sort that needs a little push?

Dd1 would need a bit of encouragement to try something, spend a term not really enjoying it, then decide she did want to do it and continue (often) until she was either too old for the class or left school.
Dd2 would have done non-stop classes every evening if I'd allowed her, and changed them regularly for new things.

Ds was choosing (he'd been very ill for a term) to do nothing outside school except stay at home. He didn't even want friends round. So I gave him a list of things to choose and said he had to do one. He chose drama because it was only an hour and close so he wasn't out for long. He moaned for a term and a half - I told him he could change, but he had to do something. After a term and a half he came out and totally out of the blue asked to do a second class. He added a third (musical theatre) and another (tap dancing) and another.... until he was doing around 15 hours a week. He has cut down now due to timing and not all the classes being offered to a 17yo but he still loves it and moans every holiday about it not being on, and is ready and waiting to go...*

But my point here is that sometimes you need to give them a little shove to try. I always told mine that they could ask to stop (in ds' case he'd have had to choose something else) but they had to complete the term I'd paid for. And with both dd1 and ds if I'd totally waited for them to say they wanted to do something they'd neither have done anything - even things they wanted to do.

I'm not saying do drama, but I am saying she may need encouragement simply to walk into a room that there are lots of other people who she doesn't know. Heck, I hate doing that too.
Maybe look at a holiday course of something she might like to continue doing, or see if any local groups would let her watch a class to start in September.

*However just as a warning, you may find yourself involved too. <eyes up bruises, sun burn and insect bites from last week chaperoning and the 30-40 costumes in piles round the room waiting for washing> 😂

To be fair to the school, they've always been really positive about her. It's quite a rounded education etc. it's just the marks for the academic work that have me wondering. But I agree, I far prefer that she's socially confident rather than an academic hermit like I was. It didn't serve me well at all

A kid who is generally confident does not mean they are confident in academics. I have several kids in my class this year who will be getting similar comments because despite being capable they do not like beginning independent work. Or they can do something perfectly over and over in class but as soon as the same question I introduced in test conditions they freeze, hesitate or second guess themselves. None have any SEN, though I'm not surprised people have immediately gone down that route.

To build confidence I would try to get her to practise in a low stakes situation to build up momentum, make sure she understands the concept, do together but prompting child to work out/take lead.

You can do this a few ways, verbally practising timetables/maths in context by involving in cooking etc. Do activities together but take turns answering questions and the other person has to be the checker. May help to get some wrong to help her see mistakes are good and can help us learn (also good gauge of true understanding.) You be the student and let her be the teacher, mark your work. There are some good maths websites with great games Topmarks is one and bbc bite size have some great stuff for literacy.

But the school has done something about it. They told her parents. The school can only do so much. They cannot spend hours building one child's confidence. The parents must take responsibility for overseeing the full education of their child, academically, socially, physically and emotionally.

Someone suggested drama, or perhaps dance, debating, sport even making tic tocs, anything to encourage your daughter to put herself out there.

But you need to take action, encouraging positive steps, ensuring she knows that whatever the outcome is, as long as she has tried her best...that's all you will ask

Thanks a million, I will check that out.

With respect, I don't think tik toks are the way to go here.