To not go on this holiday?

[ReginaPhalang3]

Long story short; we were due to go on holiday (Within UK) next week with DH's brother and his family. There was an argument between DH and his brother and we've been uninvited. I have a feeling that the brother might regret this and re-invite us last minute, am I unreasonable to say I still don't want to go if he does?

For a bit more context. Things have been tense between them for a while. I think they were both hoping things would improve now we both have kids (12 month old and 20 month old) but it's obvious we do a lot of things differently and it's caused tension. My DH has held his tongue a lot when we've had visits and they've done some inconsiderate things so I think the tension has been boiling over. I'm sure there are things from their side they're not happy with either. During the last visit the brother was in a terrible mood, refused to go to the event I booked for us all (which I checked with them about before booking) and shouted at my DH in front of the kids. DH recognised he had been a bit annoying (was cleaning up after him) and apologised but got shouted at again.

Argument this time was due to my DH feeling that we didn't have any say in plans and food and trying to set a boundary. DH reflected on it the next day and realised he could have explained himself better but we got a message to say don't come. We've tried talking to both of them multiple times and agreed to compromise even more from our side but been told three times in the last week not to come (it's gone back and forth). DH finally said fine as we don't think we should have to beg to go on this holiday when it clearly will be awkward.

I've always kept the peace as I really don't want my DH to lose the relationship with his brother but the last couple of visits have been really unpleasant. However, the thought of going now makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't want to bring our baby somewhere where there will be lots of tension.

What would others do?

How on earth did you conclude that? The two brothers have an ongoing feud. The brother invited them then uninvited them. OP is simply asking if it would be reasonable to say no if he invites them again. All the drama is coming from her husband and BIL.

Thank you, much appreciated! I did wonder the same thing!

I don't think it would be fair on any of the children, and would not like this tension and bad feeling around such little ones. I would suggest an adult dinner to talk things through perhaps.

You should definitely not go on this holiday, it sounds very risky. The only reason to try for these relationships to work is so that the children can have the benefit of knowing their cousins as they get older. That is a nice thing but sounds as though it would come at too high a price. Probably best steer clear of them altogether and DH can go and see his brother on his own if he wants. We are only hearing one side, naturally, but based on what you have said they sound pretty awful and you would have a more enjoyable holiday without them. I put up with parents in law I couldn't really stand for many years, because I wanted my kids to see their grandparents. Fortunately they lived far away so we only went to stay at Christmas time and the odd week over the rest of the year.

Book another holiday for yourselves to save any bad feeling if, in fact, you are reinvited. Didn't think you would be going so made other arrangements!

If the brother is as big an arse as he sounds and he does re-invite, he'd see turning him down as your choice to forfeit the money.
As another poster mentioned, its best to say you'd made different arrangements on those days as they told you you couldn't go and so sorry you need the money back instead.

Never try and force a relationship that's not there (no matter how well intentioned by your DH and you), it will only bring you more frustration and heartache x

I agree with other's I would not go now even if begged as it would not be an eviroment I would want my kids in plus I really wouldn't want to spend my holiday time playing peace keeper.

It dose sound like from your post that every one tip toes around the brother so as not to annoy him and cause conflict.....when conflict is clearly what the brother is looking for, a reaction from ur DH.

Clearly there isn't any love loss between the two brothers so unless the two brothers are willing to sit down like adults and clear the air I would 100% stay out of this and allow the chips to fall as they may.

Get ur money back and do something nice with your family and leave the brother and his family alone.

It's not at all clear the brother would re-invite you, so you may be worrying over nothing.
If he were to do so you'd be free to say you're not sure this would work, but could perhaps think of a less intense / stressful way to stay in touch.

You can choose your friends but not your family...let tweedle dee and tweedle dum work it out themselves and book your own holidays in future.

Book a holiday just for you as a family. Have you paid anything for the holiday with in laws? If so ask for reimbursement if they don't want you there.

@ReginaPhalang3

Well, when someone tells you that they'll get you your money back but they're 'not sure when', in my experience they're pretty much telling you to go whistle for it. And I agree with a PP that if you do receive some last minute invite the brother will probably use a refusal as an excuse not to return the money. I think if you want the money back, you'll have to chase it. Only you and DH know if the amount of money is really worth the hassle.

I don't think I'd feel like putting in much effort to 'salvage' the brothers' relationship. Seems to me it's more hassle and headache than it's worth. 'Family connections' aren't really 'connected' if the people involved don't/can't get along, are they? IMHO trying to force things 'because they're fahhhmmmiilly' generally makes things worse. Back away, let things go. Either the relationship will recover on its own or it will fade away.

I definitely would not go, even if re-invited. Holidays are meant to be relaxing, not being on high alert waiting for the next strop.

I’d be saying you either return the money now or we will be coming as it’s paid for. What’s to stop him uninviting you, having the holiday and not returning the money?

It sounds like if you all went on holiday together there might be some almighty rows that would destroy the relationship fully.

Even if they hadn’t already been rowing, a shared holiday with children that age is tricky as there is a high chance of broken sleep, different nap schedules, different views on food etc and extra rattiness from everyone as a result.

So YANBU. It’s in everyone’s best interests not to go together.

How was this arranged? As in they don't really get on so a holiday was always going to be an awful idea

Defo don’t go, for all the reasons others have said. Life’s too short, and paying for a holiday, taking annual leave etc to then have a shit time when you know that’s the likely reality, is just crazy. BIL sounds like an arse and best avoided. Make sure you get your money back though!