For wanting more emotional support and help.

[Bex268]

My husband and I are having trouble coming to terms with the lack of support we get from parents with the help of our son who has high needs and autism - he has no verbal language yet and we are very worried about him. My husband so much so that he was on antidepressants for a time as he was in such a dark place with worry.

anyway, we both work, have high demanding jobs. I am leaving my job soon as it was becoming completely untenable. My son is 4. He goes to nursery on an afternoon for three hours during term time. Our biggest worries are delayed milestones, no speech and obsessive behaviours which can hurt him - nothing intentional but very upsetting.

my husband’s family have recently very much upset me. My son had an accident and my husband was away working and they told me they wouldn’t be able to help me at all on the day we needed to go to hospital as they were spending all day with their other grandchildren. They said they could help on a specified day but we’d need to travel the hour to them and back. Not usually a problem but my boy really wasn’t too well so I declined.

I have spoken to his mum about the mental health problems her son was going through and although at the time she seemed concerned, she’s been absolutely useless. It’s angered me so much because we have a son and I couldn’t imagine ever just leaving him to cope when he’s clearly not. The saying ‘you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child’ does not apply to them - they are very happy.

i am finding my resentment towards them growing each day 😔 and I don’t want to feel this way. I can’t imagine being retired, in excellent health, having no financial problems, a massive house and good lifestyle and not offering my son and his wife support when they clearly need it.

they look after our son one morning a week when we are at work and they’ve said that’s all they want to do. However, their other grandchildren they see on a Saturday which clearly gives their parents a break, something we never get. Our last night out was over four years ago. I feel like it’s all on their terms, it’s for their benefit.

🥺I know this is all my problem, it really is. I just don’t k ow how to get past how angry I feel. I tried counselling but it’s almost like they didn’t want me just moaning to them.

they never ask how we are even though they’ve seen us at our lowest, me break down in tears when little boy had an accident and son really not himself. I feel like I don’t want them in my life anymore 😟. So unfair I know but I’m so angry. Maybe it’s because my own mum is dead.

I’m sorry but somehow you have to find a way to stop letting them affect you like this.

A high needs preschooler with SEN is a big ask for many grandparents. There are lots of healthy, retired grandparents out there who don’t even offer the small amount your in laws do each week.

I have ND children so I appreciate the need for a break. If you want to have your respite together, rather than allowing each other a day or do off whilst you do the solo care, then you need to find someone with suitable qualifications and take the financial hit.

@FuzzyStripes we would love to find someone like this and would take the ‘financial hit’ but it’s not something we’ve been lucky with unfortunately. We do keep looking though. I, however, don’t think I am going to ever find it easy knowing they spend so much more time with other grandchildren than ours 😕 but I know I need to. I’m pretty open minded - any good books? Hobby maybe (although don’t know when I’d do it 🫣)

One in four grandparents offer no childcare help at all to their grandchildren.

So it might not feel like it but if they're taking him for a regular morning they are helping.

Lots of people find it very hard to look after small children much less small children with significant special needs.

I understand that you are in a situation where you need help and support. They are offering some, but getting angry at them for not offering more isn't going to help you.

What other sources do you have? I found the national autistic society peer support groups helpful.

I can see that life is difficult for you, but the GPs are providing one full day a week of childcare! SEN kids are tough for older people. I don't have any and I am already so done with chidrearing I know I am not keen to provide childcare for grandkids, unless an emergency. Young people don;t realise how tired one gets when older.

You need to access other sources of support and your DH needs to sort out his own mental health.

. The saying ‘you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child’ does not apply to them - they are very happy.

I hate this saying. Really, it is not up to parents to feel miserable for the rest of their lives because their son is unhappy. I am sure they are not completely happy, but they don't see what more they can do and are exhausted.

They won’t be needed for the morning soon so that’ll save them more time to spend with their other grandchildren. I’ve heard their comments about needing to get away, not sticking around for five more minutes to see their son when he gets home from work.

we have met other parents but it’s difficult to always see them.

I really just need to know how to get past this 😢 and quickly. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t even know if I’m projecting and I’m so angry worked up and worried that my anger is coming out in other ways, but I know I’m deeply hurt and upset. I’m sitting here now in tears as I so desperately need someone to hug me and even just listen.

If you cut them off you’ll lose the regular childcare they provide at the moment. It’s clear you won’t get from them what you’re hoping for so I’d work on accepting that and what they do offer you. This level of seething resentment is hurting you rather than them.

This, absolutely. I totally get how strung out you are, but young children with additional needs are difficult for even fit, involved, local grandparents. Your DH is also responsible for his own MH and needs to manage it.

Yes, childcare tends to be on GP's" terms", because they are your kids and GP deserve rest. If they are providing childcare for you and the other GC, they are already doing a fair bit! Any childcare I provide will definitely be on my terms. I have earned my rest.

Kindly, people with MH problems tend to be very draining- I know because my DD had issues in the pandemic- and others need to draw boundaries. They have drawn theirs and you need to respect that.

Then you need to go to your own close friends for support, hugs, listening etc. It sounds to me as if you’re projecting all your needs onto your ILs, when it would be more effective to separate the needs and meet them via different sets of people, whether that’s paid childcare, your friends, your DH’s GP/therapist etc.

If your husbands mental health issues are fuelled by worry, antidepressants may not help - they’ll just mask the symptoms. Has he talked to someone?

Otherwise, as frustrating as it is; you cant force his parents to be interested in or look after your son, and they do have him one morning a week. That’s more than a lot of people get. My husbands parents haven’t ever looked after our son. They haven’t even seen him since he was 10 months old.

Even “good” grandparents have limits, and it sounds like your son’s additional needs mean he’s too much for them. It sounds like you’re finding it tough too, and they’re much older and have already done their parenting.

I’m sorry that they’re not the support you want them to be, but it really is just a case of accepting that they don’t want to be that and making plans as if they are not there to be relied upon. We’ve had to do the same. I know it’s tough, but there’s no alternative, so acceptance is the only way.

Sorry but yabu. Your DS has complex needs and they are looking after him one day per week and you feel resentful? I think this is an awful lot. You need to focus on what you get on support which is more than most parents. I understand things are hard for you (I have 2 DC with SN including one with low functioning autism and I work and get no family help and DH's family don't want anything to do with us because of the DC). Hopefully giving up work will give you some breathing space. Bit your anger towards your in laws is totally misplaced.

Out of interest - where is your family in all this?

I'm so sorry @Bex268. I get you just want to be heard. You have my gull sympathy. It must be heartbreaking watching what is going on. There's no excuse for the way the grandparents are behaving but sadly we all know they don't need an excuse, they are entitled to behave as they like.
Personally I'd try to shift my focus away from them and onto finding suitable childcare you can pay for, for your son. Is there a local college that has childcare courses you could maybe ask, or ask your GP practice if they can suggest where to look? Or there's www.sitters.co.uk. i think its called, its a babysitting service.
I think if you managed to get appropriate childcare in place it would get you that much needed break. And hopefully give you something else to concentrate on rather than his parents.
Good luck. And I'm sorry about your mum. IME this makes it all 100% worse but you are expected to cheerfully get on with things when you just could explode.

Gull sympathy ffs, i cant edit on my phone. Sorry

And everyone saying yabu as they look after your son one day a week are wrong, its one morning a week.
Big difference.

I suppose it depends on how much you think parents need to be enmeshed in their children's lives.

Your DHs MH problems are not for his parents to solve. They are not trained to do so. They are entitled to be happy and draw boundaries at the end of their lives.

Have you got any SEN groups locally that you could join? At least meet other parents in thr same boat. Or look for any disability sports clubs he could join. At least then you'd know some people in the same boat

Thank you everyone - a lot to take in and think about. @ssd a special thank you 🤗 I do just want to be heard. More than anything, I’d just like them to ask how we’re doing, what’s going on, but they’re only interested in conversations about their days, their granddaughters and their new holiday home.
I didn’t think we were expecting too much for a conversation, a visit here and there to check in, maybe watching our son two or three times a year so we could spend some time together, asking their son how he’s holding up - thankfully he’s much better now and has been for some time but he still has tough days.

maybe moving forward and not having work to think of and relying on them one morning a week will help as I won’t really see them anymore. Our village is so small that I’d have loved to have them be more a part of it but I know I need to learn that that’s not going to happen and for me, I feel it’s either you’re in or you’re not. I don’t think im interested in people who aren’t interested if that makes sense.

it does make me even more angry that my mil has made it explicitly clear that she does not want to go in a home when she’s older and would prefer care from family 🙄 their other son is very different to my husband and they only take take take so I guess you reap what you sow.

We do - I go to a local group once a month and I met a friend online who I see occasionally who also has an autistic child which helps. My friends I see very fleetingly now.

Absolutely you reap what you sow.

As for the caring for MIL when she's older...as if 🤣

I would separate the two issues out, OP. I have a SEN daughter who is also non verbal so I totally sympathise with your situation.

Its a very lonely life!

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do re the childcare. My family haven't offered us support- and tbh, nor would I take it as they don't get how substantial our daughter's needs are still.

I do find it shocking the apparent blase attitude towards their son's mental health though. Whilst there is a limit to what they can do for him, they should at least be offering some sort of comfort/talks/support. Even if just a weekly phone chat.

No matter how old I get, I wouldn't not make myself available in some way.

Wishing you all the very best.

I'm wondering if your in laws find looking after your ds 'difficult '...maybe even nervous.
Perhaps they don't want to engage in conversations about how you are or how you're coping because they might feel obliged to offer care that they just don't want to do
I'm sorry OP ..if I lived near you I would pop round for coffee. .do the ironing for you maybe..

I could've written this exact post myself..it is draining and hard raising a ND child with no support. DH and I spend our lives feeling run down and drained. We always seem to be ill and exhausted... I am convinced it's a mix of burnout and everything just running low. My in laws offer ample help to their other grandchildren but not us. It sounds like DH and I are having a pity party half the time, but it's just a mountain of struggle and challenge. I totally, totally empathise. I have no advice, but I 100% relate. It sucks and is hard.

Edited to add: they tell us they have done their time with their own kids, so don't want the burden of ours. Fair enough, but whatever happened to compassion / empathy / being FAMILY / showing up when people are hurting. They go a great job of showing up for their other grandkids... I think that is the problem for us, because they don't then have the energy to help us with our kids (an hour away to travel).