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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend the truth?

14 replies

criscros · 24/06/2024 04:22

There's a group of us at my work place who socialise together a lot.

One of them, let's call her M, is my closest friend in the group.

Another, let's call him J, joined the company a couple of years back. We all went to the evening of his wedding shortly after he joined. His wife seemed a lovely lady. She'd often invite the women of the group to go out with her and her friends, but I was never able to make it.

M went on maternity leave late last year and in that time, J confided in a few of us that his wife had left him. This was a real surprise to everyone.

They separated a while back now, maybe 6 months. She's moved out. It's not widely known that they've split. M, in particular, wasn't aware at all as she's been out of the loop on her mat leave.

About a month ago, J and I started seeing each other. Nothing serious but it's fun. None of our colleagues know, although I suspect a couple may have an inkling. I was in no way responsible for their break-up. We got together long after she left.

M just came back from mat leave and J told her he was getting divorced.

Since then, she's barely stopped talking to me about how shocked she is and how happy they seemed, and asking if I think he's ok

She's such a close friend and I feel so crappy keeping it from her. She's the one person I always confide in about relationship stuff. She'd be hurt that I'd lied to her if she found out but I worry she'd judge me if she knew. Every time she tells me how worried she is about him, I have to bite my lip not to tell her. I'm also very worried she'll hear a rumour about it and ask me.

J doesn't really care if anyone knows but I do. I feel like I'll be viewed as a home wrecker, which is absolutely not the case.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 24/06/2024 04:27

I have to say I would assume there was crossover when if I pretended to believe there hadn’t been. Why is she so worried about him? It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with him, quite the opposite.

MiddleParking · 24/06/2024 04:30

I'm also very worried she'll hear a rumour about it and ask me.

And yes, this will happen btw. I would tell her now. You can’t control whether she judges you or not but you can have a clear conscience if you know you’re telling the truth.

ForPlumDreamer · 24/06/2024 04:30

Why would telling her this truth make her think you’re a home wrecker ?

It’s obvious you weren’t the reason they split, but keeping it secret makes it look suspicious

criscros · 24/06/2024 04:33

MiddleParking · 24/06/2024 04:27

I have to say I would assume there was crossover when if I pretended to believe there hadn’t been. Why is she so worried about him? It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with him, quite the opposite.

This is exactly my worry. And there really wasn't a cross-over.

She's just a very empathetic soul and I guess also it's more shocking for her because last she knew, they were happy newlyweds.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 24/06/2024 04:35

The truth will always come out in the end.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2024 05:06

I think you should tell your friend. I would start by saying that the relationship ended 6 months ago and he’s in a much better place. He was supported by you and your other colleagues (name them). Then I would tell her you’ve just started dating him but are taking things slowly. She’s making herself look like a fool and she won’t take gladly to this. At the end of the day, she has any questions, she can talk to colleagues he confided in.

B1anche · 24/06/2024 06:27

Tell her ASAP if she's your friend. We had a woman in our group of friends who was secretly seeing a guy we all knew. She didn't tell us for months and we all felt very deceived and foolish when we eventually found out.

TooLateForRoses · 24/06/2024 06:32

I think as it's been a month, it's a bit of fun/casual then you might as well tell her. Tell her in a, I know you're worried about J, I just wanted to let you know that we've been seeing each other casually for about a month and assure you there was nothing going on while he was with his ex. If he doesn't mind telling everyone I don't know why you wouldn't all be open about it at work.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 24/06/2024 06:37

Just tell her you’ve been out a couple of times - he didn’t dump his wife, she left, I can’t see the problem. If your friend gets a bit uppity frankly I’d be pissed off.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 24/06/2024 06:43

Just tell her. Obviously it will be more of an issue when she inevitably finds out later on and will wonder (suspiciously) why you didn’t say anything before.

dunkdemunder · 24/06/2024 06:54

J doesn't really care if anyone knows but I do. I feel like I'll be viewed as a home wrecker, which is absolutely not the case.

The sooner it comes out the less of a home wrecker you will seem.

It's been 6 months since they split.
You've only started seeing J.

I would tell M that J is fine. you've been spending time together over the past few weeks, nothing serious yet and he's actually quite fun and feeling good about himself now that he's had time to process his wife leaving.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 24/06/2024 08:06

You're being daft if you don't tell her asap.

Control the truth of what happened before a she hears a wild rumour!

Daisys24 · 24/06/2024 08:16

She’s really not that good of a friend if you haven’t really spoken to her whiles she’s been on Maternity Leave to tell her that they split up.

criscros · 24/06/2024 10:09

Daisys24 · 24/06/2024 08:16

She’s really not that good of a friend if you haven’t really spoken to her whiles she’s been on Maternity Leave to tell her that they split up.

It's not my business to tell! Plus we've been talking about way more important things like her baby??

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