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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does sleeping apart mean your marriage is in trouble?

16 replies

solosleeper · 23/06/2024 22:46

Dh and I have a toddler who more often than not co sleeps. Three in a bed was far from ideal and dh would often wake one or both of us up with his snoring. Meanwhile the toddler would kick and wriggle then get up at 5am so we were all shattered.
For the past month or so dh has been sleeping in the spare room and me with the toddler in our bed. Then when she gets up early he will take her so I can get another hour or so in bed alone. It's fair because I do the night time and he does the early morning, we're both less tired. But I really miss us sleeping together in bed. Dh is actually fine with it and prefers sleeping alone which makes me sad.
It's not an intimacy thing - chance would be a fine thing! We've never really been bedtime shaggers, it's always been earlier in the evening even before we had dc. But I do miss having a cuddle and a quick chat before nodding off. Now we just say goodnight and close our respective doors on each other.
I'm hoping that when dd goes in her own room (which won't be long now, we're taking steps) he will actually move back in here but I get the feeling he quite likes this new setup.
Am I being daft or can you still have a happy, healthy marriage and sleep apart? I joked we're more like roommates these days but it's actually true.

OP posts:
vgY78U9IOKIJ · 23/06/2024 22:59

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coldcallerbaiter · 23/06/2024 23:05

No it is a phase, no reason to think there is trouble.

RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue · 23/06/2024 23:10

Oh hell no! Smile Your marriage will be fine!! Me and DH have been together nearly 40 years - married over 35, and have slept in separate bedrooms for 20 years. We have a perfectly good, decent, happy marriage! Not all sunshine and roses, but good for the most part. He gets on my tits occasionally, and I get on his, but we are best friends, and comrades, and a really good fit. And still in love after 4 decades.

Didn't affect intimacy by the way. If anything it made everything better, as we both started getting decent sleep. (We started having separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring!) 😬 I could never go back now, even if his snoring stopped 100%. I LOVE my cosy little bedroom. Smile

Skyrainlight · 24/06/2024 10:03

My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a couple months and for decades they have slept apart because my dad snores. I think lack of sleep is more detrimental to a marriage than sleeping apart.

UnaOfStormhold · 24/06/2024 10:09

I don't think sleeping separately is a problem, but I would try to make sure you have something to replace cuddle and chat time. It doesn't have to be complicated or take much time, just some way of making sure there's a time in your daily routine that's about connection with each other.

HappierTimesAhead · 24/06/2024 10:13

No, lots of couples sleep separately for various reasons and are very happy together (although being happy all of the time when you have young children is a bit of an impossibility!)

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 24/06/2024 10:15

I agree with all the others. It's a phase, and also to make time to connect with him. We also sleep apart - it started when he had an awful cold. I love having the space in bed and not getting woken up by him when he turns over. I go in to him for a cuddle in the mornings.

Quadrangle · 24/06/2024 10:16

My friend has a 17 and 20 year old. When they were younger they slept apart for quite a while due to co sleeping. I don't see them ever splitting up and don't think their marriage is in trouble.
I think the Queen slept apart

KimberleyClark · 24/06/2024 10:16

No it doesn’t. Some people just prefer it.

Smartiepants79 · 24/06/2024 10:17

My marriage would be in trouble if I had to sleep int the same bed as my snore monster husband.
We’re still very together cos I get to sleep.

QuickMaff · 24/06/2024 10:19

Me and DH sleeping separately helped us stay together if anything!
His snoring kept me awake regularly, one of our children would always want a cuddle but we'd all end up too hot and sweaty or booted out of bed by little legs if there were 3 in a bed, our alarms are always set for different times to when the other needs to wake up.... it just made much more sense to sleep separately. Still very much in love and intimate.

Snippit · 24/06/2024 10:20

We played musical beds and we’re still together. Although now, I’m 57 and he’s 60 we tend to sleep separately, mainly due to his snoring and disturbing me when he’s up early for work.

We do still have nookie, I believe the new name for it is sleep divorce, I love it. My nephew is moving out soon and his mum can’t wait to sleep in the spare bed, it’s soo decadent 🤪

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 24/06/2024 10:21

No, don't worry. We did this when the kids were small and co-sleeping was just better. Then my husband started snoring like a freight train and I love sleeping alone.

We talked about it at length and we're both fine. Been married 22 years.

Greenlittecat · 24/06/2024 10:24

We do this (also have a cosleeping toddler!) And it work for us. If you are feeling disconnected though its obviously not working for you ❤️ exhaustion is a marriage killer, hope you sre okay! Xxx

HcbSS · 24/06/2024 10:30

The only reason I would consider it would be snoring (like my grandparents - whoever fell asleep first got to keep the bed).
My bed is a child, laptop, food and snore free zone 🤣🤣

MixedCouple2 · 10/11/2024 17:16

Me and DH sleep apart as we are phasing DS1 into his new room. He goes to sleep alone fine but will wake up around 11pm-12am and hysterical needing DH. So what we do is after toddler is asleep and baby is down we then have time together to chat and cuddle in our bed. Sometimes he falls asleep in our bed sometimes he hoes to toddlers room. We are in 6 weeks to moving DS1 to his room and making progress. We hope to be able to get a full night in his own room by new year!
I do miss sharing bed with DH miss the cuddles and having him close by. But we get a lot of alone time after children are asleep. Toddler is on bed at 7:30 and baby is asleep by 8:30. We usually have a good 1.5hrs together catching up and having a tea etc.

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