My father-in-law is a very fit and healthy 76-year-old. After his wife left him, he called us and asked to move into our annexe, saying he couldn't live on his own and couldn't cope. Both his marriages ended with his wives leaving him for other men, and they've always done everything for him.
My own dad had lived in our annexe and had recently passed away, so we wanted some time alone as a family. Also as I’m
away from my family and friends the annexe was somewhere they could stay when they visited. I live in my husband’s hometown, so all his family and friends are near.
My dad was considerate, picked up on social cues, and my husband rarely saw him. Nevertheless, we agreed to let my father-in-law move in, thinking it would be fine since he was always out biking, walking, and staying active.
However, it turned out to be a problem. He disregarded boundaries, walking in without knocking, banging on the door when it was locked, and sitting down for meals uninvited. He even joined our weekly swimming slot uninvited and would sit with us when my friend came over. There are many more examples I won’t bore you with.
We tried to discuss these issues with him, but he responded poorly, looking out the window and then walking off in a huff. While things improved slightly, he still often intruded, knocking and coming straight in, unlike us who wait for his permission before entering his space. If I went to the adjoining utility room, he would seem to listen out and pounce for a chat. I've locked the adjoining door to keep him out, but he just walks around and comes in through our front door.
Last summer, he spent nearly every day in the garden, from 10 to 5, leaving us no private time there. I tried to study outside, but he would sing with his headphones on or try to chat. My husband refused to address the issue, saying he couldn't tell him to leave the garden. Things seemed better in the winter when the garden wasn’t an issue.
Now, with summer back, he’s out in the garden within minutes of me trying to relax. Last Thursday, I lost my temper when he came out just as I had settled with some revision. I went inside, shouted and swore in frustration, and screamed into a pillow to release my anger. He obviously heard.
Today, my husband told him things need to change, mentioning the garden. My father-in-law denied always being out there and said we just need to tell him if we want to be alone. He later approached me, saying he knows we need private time and that he isn’t an idiot. I only need to tell him. He then commented on my mood, for storming out for the garden, attributing it to menopause and that he’s making allowances for me because of that?!
After that conversation, I want him to leave. My husband is reluctant but said he would ask him to leave as a last resort. I used to like my father-in-law, but now I resent him and can't stand having him around. He knows how to push my buttons, and it's driving me crazy. People warned us it would affect our marriage and it is. He hasn’t got enough money to buy his own place now (he would need around £350k and he has 150k) and wouldn’t get a mortgage at 76. I feel trapped. AIBU? Thanks