Should I confront or continue to hold at arms length

[Gratefulforlife66]

Gratefulforlife66 · Today 16:17
been married to husband for 30 years, two grown up children. I’ve always worked, brought up the children to become decent, happy, well balanced adults. Good relationship with husband, the problem is his mum. She’s overbearing, rude, opinionated, selfish. She regularly insults me and critisises my home, orders everyone around, then questions you on how you were doing the task. the worst thing, she has been dismissive and rude to our eldest daughter, who can’t think what she’s done to upset her grandma. I’ve told her to ignore grandma as grandma will be the one to miss out in the long run. I long ago realised I needed to distance myself from my MIL which I have done, and cope better in the occasions when I HAVE to see her, but as she’s now elderly, she’s putting on my retired husband so much(he’s early 60s) and he’s struggling to keep up with her demand and expectation of him so occasionally I help out, this is to support HIM, not HER.
I want to know, should I confront her rudeness and challenge her nastiness. It’d make life hard for my husband, he and his sibling have lived whole lives with her controlling behaviours and find it hard to confront.
thanks in advance x

I don't know what to advise but you sound amazing and your mil sounds so awful. I personally would lean towards confronting her, but I didn't grow up in a family where issues where swept under the carpet and I wouln'dt be bale to tolerate anyone treating me or my loved ones like shit. I suppose I have a skinner skin than some and just couldn't put up with this sort of shite.

If it was me I certainly wouldn't be helping out at all.
Regardless of who she is you really don't have to put up with rudeness.
You have tolerated it for years so she thinks it's ok.
However there is no way I would allow her to speak your my daughter like that.
Your husband needs to address that.
My husband had a word with his mother in the early days of our marriage.
She never did it again

I think the problem op is that people like your MIL will never let themselves be the offending party. She will no doubt cry victim if you try and confront her, refuse your help and put more on your husband as a result.

The ONLY solution here is your husband and his siblings developing boundaries with their mum and reacting to her accordingly.

I have a very difficult mother and while I know many people would advise to cut ties and not bother with her, it's not always a solution people feel OK with. I think you focus on supporting your dh, giving him space to talk it through and perhaps suggest some paid care if it's an option, or seeing what care your mil might be entitled to.

Why not help dh find outside help for mil instead of him taking the strain.? . Take the heat off him. Imo sounds like a care home far far away is worth considering...

Agree with the above. Encourage your DH to step away a bit. For both your sakes.

No point in confrontation IMHO, she isn't going to change her ways in her 80s

Do what you need to protect yourself and your family from her