Cutting ties with DF - AIBU?

[theaverageone]

First time poster here so please be kind!

Some background context… my parents got divorced when I was 17, and I came out to my parents when I was 21. I knew my mum would understand but I was fully prepared for my dad to cut contact and I was OK with it. Since coming out, I haven’t seen my Dad in person and that was 14 years ago.

Up until now we’d exchange the odd text or phone call 3-4 times per year (Christmas, birthdays, Father’s Day) and these would always be very swift conversations, going through the motions and with him not asking any questions about my life (including about my long term partner). I am aware that he has a better relationship with my brother (who is heterosexual) and they call each week, but my brother also finds it a strain as they have nothing in common.

So, jump ahead to now, a couple of things have recently happened which made me decide to just fully cut contact:

• He has been telling my brother he keeps trying to reach out to me and I’m ignoring him (this is a complete lie, the last time he called me was October 2023 and he last text me last year on my birthday). I don’t know what he gets out of this.
• I found out from my Mum that he is travelling 4-5 hours drive to see my brother and his girlfriend this summer as it coincides with his own summer holiday plans. I haven’t seen him in person in 14 years and he’s never suggested making the effort, the last time they were due to visit was 10 years ago and they cancelled the week before due to “terrorism risk”.

So this Father’s Day, I decided I wouldn’t send my usual text and that I was abandoning any hope of a relationship - I don’t see any sense in keep having these three times a year silly conversations so I’m now going non-contact.

My mum thought this was a bad idea but could see my POV when she realised just how long it had been since we saw each other in person and how little effort he has made. I text my brother to explain my decision, and he said he understands but that I should tell my Dad myself that I am doing this so then he doesn’t have to go through all the questions from my dad about why this happened.

So two questions really…
AIBU to cut ties with my DF?
AIBU to not tell him myself, and leave that to my brother to say/not say to him?

YANBU to just stop sending these bullshit box ticking texts and cut all ties. It's a pointless non relationship. And you don't need to explain to anyone either.

Cut ties, he knows where you are if he's curious. Your brother is capable of saying 'I have no idea Dad, you will have to ask X'

Thanks for the reassurance.
I didn’t feel I needed to explain it to
my brother but we also don’t have a great relationship and I didn’t want this to strain it any further.

Thanks - I think ill go back to my brother with exactly this!

I know Mumsnetters love a NC, but this seems deeply sad to me. Ok, your dad didn't know how to deal with your sexuality when you told him, and still doesn't, but he's tried to keep contact with you since and sounds from what he said to your brother like he wants more contact with you but doesn't know how to do it. Men of his generation often simply do t have a clue how to communicate. Can't you get together and try to have a proper conversation about everything? Or at least if you tried opening up a bit more, eg calling more often, telling about your partner and just getting really being a bit more relaxed and less formal he might feel better has "permission" to contact you more often and ask about your life etc?

I’ve read your post, and can’t see anything that Indicates he has a problem with your sexuality. Are you assuming his lack of contact is to to with you being gay, or has he actually said something.
Maybe he’s just not good at chit-chat etc

He's a nasty homophobe. He's made that clear. Why are you wasting energy here. Ditch him and focus on people who actually love and care about you and your partner.

Clearly he can communicate well enough to maintain a relationship with his other child and make plans to see them…

OP I would say you’re entitled to choose what you do going forward. You may feel better saying whatever you feel needs to be said so it’s off your chest and perhaps then either the air is clear, or at least you’ve put it all out there. Either way, if you don’t feel like this 4 times a year brief phone call served you and you can’t see it changing, just cut and leave it.

Ah no he’s lying to make OP look like the bad one to her brother. If he wanted contact he could have sent her a funny cat video or something. Clearly he’s fine with communicating with her brother.

OP he’s written you off basically, I’m really sorry, it’s shit and dad’s should love their children better than that.

Thank you - for me, I just don’t see the purpose of sending a message to someone saying you’re going NC. I don’t feel like I owe it to him, so that’s it.

It’s a few things - might ask about my job, never asks about my partner - in fact, more likely to ask about the dog we’ve got!

As I also said, he’s made no effort to come visit us whereas the minute my brother has a long term girlfriend, he is wanting to visit and spend the day with them etc.

I can’t think of any other reason as to why he would lie unfortunately…