I’m lonely but don’t want to change it!

[MumAdvice44]

Looking for some insight/advice. I feel very lonely 90% of the time. I have a part-time job, 2 kids in primary school and a DH who works extremely hard for the family. My issue is I don’t have any close bonds outside of my family. I have work friends I say hi to and chat to in work and school gate mums I occasionally go for coffee with but deep down I’m not close with anyone. No one knew for example a few months ago I celebrated my 40th. I spent on my own with my kids as husband was away with work.

Recently I got in touch with an old work friend who works close to my home. I opened up to her about how I’m feeling lonely and she’s been messaging me. On my days off she wants to meet me during lunchtime or after work. Truthfully I think it’s really sweet but I kind of feel it’s a waste of my time and I feel disorganised because of it. I have Thursdays and Fridays off work and both these days I met with her. I only met for an hour but that was also factoring in I made myself presentable, I traveled near her work and then after meeting her I felt exhausted both emotionally band physically so unable to do my chores like cleaning, cooking and admin. This has meant the whole weekend I’ve been running around doing what I should have done on my 2 days off.

why do I feel like this? I know most people wouldn’t see spending time with a friend as “wasted”. She wants to again meet next week and I’m not looking forward to it.

I don't think you can have it both ways. It's hard to make friends these days, so if someone wants to meet you and you are the one saying you feel lonely, I'd grab the chance. But if friends make you feel exhausted, then maybe you don't need any friends.

For me, friends make me feel energised and chores make me feel exhausted.

@Lentilweaver i kind of feel suffocated in that I have to meet both my days off. I feel guilty saying I have to go shopping etc.

But you don’t have to meet her on both your days off? Choose a day/ time which suits you and meet her then.

Oh both days are way too much. I missed that. Just meet her less often.

I couldn't meet a friend two days in a row unless we were doing a walk so l would be getting my exercise in as well. I think meeting once a week or even a fortnight is enough. If l was really enjoying the meet ups l wouldn't care if my housework was behind. Just meet as often as works for you. Also doing a walk and chatting works best for me as it lifts my mood on the double. It's unusual for someone to want to meet two days in a row so be careful she is not going to overdo it.

Just meet her once a month. And you can have a phone chat in between. Simply explain with work on your days off you sometimes have to do chores.

I think this is why I’m lonely as I’m too scared to let people in due to bad experiences. I’ve always been a bit of a loner but when I had my eldest I decided to change that and not everyone was friendly but I met this chatty mum, let’s call her “Kathy”. Kathy seemed lovely at first we would meet up during baby club then a year later I went back to work but had Wednesdays off. She wanted to meet every Wednesday! No matter what my excuse it would be “oh after then”, “I’ll come too”. I moved away thank God and lost touch with her naturally.

I think I can’t assert myself and feel guilty saying no to meet ups.

You must be very good company because none of my friends want to meet me once a week!

I can tell you that in what seems like no time at all, your kids will grow up and not want to spend time with you, and by then it will be harder to make friends.

Read the book not nice by Aziz Gazipura. It will help you learn to understand how much you're willing to give to give out and when you're giving out too much of yourself how to stop this . I found it really helpful in terms of friendships and how to direct situations to suit what I want and well as the other person.

Seems like she is trying to meet more often to support you. Can you tell her you are feeling much stronger after meeting and you have lots of home admin to do so better fox a proper long lunch next month.

Try to get into a rhythm of meeting up but at a frequency of that suits you both. I have good friends I only see 2-3 times a year due to geography but they are still friends.

It sounds like she’s taken this on as a mission to make you feel less lonely, but it’s a bit much and you obviously feel drained by it somehow. Perhaps you feel a little vulnerable. Maybe she’s a bit lonely too. No need to stop seeing her - but take control over what you do and how often you see her.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? It’s a shame he was away for your birthday. Is this something you can work on together?

It’s the dilemma a lot of introverts have. Especially when you add ADHD or ComplexPTSD etc in the mix.
Wanting friends, fun, support and social contact with people. But then finding the reality and the effort of it too much.

I think there’s probably an optimum. Where you see a friend frequently enough to maintain the friendship but not so often that it becomes draining. Like there is for most people but for some it might be once a month, or 2 months.

It’s not a choice between ‘lonely’ and ‘having to see other people when and as often as they want, regardless of your own preferences’, though.

@SurelySmartie I think you’ve nailed it! It’s like you know me lol! I had a very traumatic childhood and I haven’t been diagnosed for ADHD but I have a lot of the symptoms. I do look at a group of women out when I’m with my family and do feel a pang of jealously but when reality sets in I don’t have the energy to actually meet people.

This Friday I’ve said yes to a mums meet up (never have I ever been before and my eldest is 10). I have made an excuse every year. But I thought I’ll go this year. I’m already dreading it what will I talk about? What if I drink too much? What if I make an idiot of myself?

I can't offer any advice for ADHD. But I am good at both groups and small talk.
In fact, I have a long running thread here on how to make friends after 50.

Mums meetups are pretty easy, as you talk about the DC, somewhat boringly, and then branch out. You can start by complimenting other people's DC, if you can sound sincere. "Wow, Jack is really good at football!" "I loved Emily's recital". Talk about what you are watching on netflix or elsewhere. Talk about the weather. Just stay clear of politics, religion and giving anybody any unsolicited parenting advice.

@Lentilweaver thank you! Do you mind if I send you a quick PM?

I am very similar but eventually I learned more about being an introvert that seems v outgoing when in social situations but am really anxious before and drained after. I'm older than you and something that helped was counselling to recognise what is a demand and when I can say no to things without hurting others.