I just want to go for a run

[Tiredmomma45]

A bit of background, my partner is a farmer, the hardest working man going. He works every hour under the sun and only gets every other weekend off (typically 4 days a month in total). As you can imagine he is tired 24/7.

We have 3 children 11, 5 & 2 and I hate my postpregnacy body (although very grateful to it!) And desperately want to get back into shape. I work full time and have zero time to go to the gym and just about manage to fit in the odd home workout around housework, the kids and all their extra activities. Our middle child has recently said she wants to start junior park runs which I would love to do with her! First one would be tomorrow but clashes with an activity that eldest child is doing. My partner is off this weekend but is flat out refusing to take eldest to their activity for me and said to just start the parkruns next week. He can't give me a reason as to why he won't go (it's 5mins drive and they'll be home again within an hour). I've explained why I'd like to go but he just says 'your perfect as you are' which is very sweet but doesn't really make me feel better about myself. He doesn't come with when I do take eldest to their activity so its not as though he wants to spend the time together, we wouldn't be together for that bit anyway.

I know we can just start the runs next week, but its his refusing to help which is upsetting me so much. I literally do everything with the kids and spend most of the time feeling like a single parent (not his fault he's usually working and I knew what I was signing up for when we got married aka the farming life style) however this has really annoyed me and made me feel like I'm on my own. I know I'm probably being quite selfish but it just feels he's not interested in helping me either with the kids or to feel good about myself again. I just want to feel like I'm not parenting alone I guess. Sorry I think I just needed to rant more then anything but am I being unreasonable?

He gets 4 days off a month and probably just needs to relax, not get up early for activities. I have sympathy for you both. Farming is hard work, and the more time he puts into the farm the more work there is for you at home with the kids.

Is there anywhere you can cut back to lighten the load?

He may only get 4 days off a month but it sounds like he thinks he doesn’t need to do any parenting in that time, how many days off do you get a month where you can just refuse to do anything for the kids?

She gets no days off a month. She works full time, she’s the default parent for three young children and she does 100% of the housework. When’s her time to relax? And does she get to switch off from being a parent during that time?

Or are you suggesting that his needs are more important than hers?

He wouldn't be taking the eldest for you, it's for THEM! You and your middle DC are going to the parkrun

Sorry to hear that, I can hear your frustration. Yes he works hard blah-di-blah but so do you, and it sounds like you don't often ask for things for yourself! Can you talk to him and say you need this and he has to do it, just this time. Maybe he doesn't realise how important it is. And yes I know he's tired and works hard but so do you x

I’m suggesting they look at ways they can cut back and lighten the load. So they can all get a bit more down time.

Kids going to do activities shouldn’t come at the expense of their parents’ wellbeing.

He needs to get a grip and take his child to their activity.

Yeah interesting framing of 'helping me', taking the child 'for me'. Even if he only has few days off he still needs to do parenting in that time. It's not like what you want him to do is that stressful. As women we are conditioned to put our needs last. I've found it the hardest bit of being a mother, it's like you vanish and all you become like some sort of ghost in your own life. It's no way to live.

Agree with the others. There really isn't any off time from having kids. You can't just opt out when it doesn't suit you. These three kids are both of yours so you have to split the workload, especially on the rare occasions when you are both around.

Push it hard with him. He needs to spend time with his child. In my experience of farmers they often depend a lot on their wives income as its more regular and predictable. You are more than pulling your weight in this marriage..working and caring for children and cooking etc as he is busy.
He can do it. Focus on you bringing one child and him bringing the other. But you need time for yourself too. I would look locally for a teenager who can help you throughout the Summer holidays to give you a break. Play with the children outside while you do a workout or sit with them for an hour while you do a run nearby.
Also, even though farmers work hard their time is flexible so he could give you an hour here and there otherwise you are going to get very resentful.
I was brought up on a farm. Lots of children. My dm always went to two activities a week and my dad came inside to mind us even though he had tasks to do. It's family life. I would use this episode to change things or this will be your life forever.

Ah, so you mean cut back on the kids activities. Because if they could afford household staff, or more farming staff so he could take more time off, I’m assuming they’d already have them. And OP isn’t going to be cloning herself anytime soon.

So not only do the kids barely see their father from morning til night because of his job, now they get their activities cancelled because their dad can’t be arsed to watch his kid do something he enjoys for an hour? And OP has the choice of taking time for herself or putting her child (who is already missing out on any meaningful relationship with their dad) first, because her DH won’t pull his parenting weight. What choice do you think she’s going to make?

It doesn’t matter what your job is, whether you’re a farmer or a surgeon or a lollipop man. You don’t get to pretend your kids don’t exist simply because you want to lay on the sofa and read the paper all day.

I'd have lost my shit at him for that manipulative "you're perfect" bullshit. It wasn't a compliment, it was a way to shut you up, and you know it.

Exactly this. They are both full time parents. And OP needs some brain space away from the kids as well as physical activity. He gets this at work.

He gets 4 days a month off to do nothing for no one. How many days a month do you get off to just do nothing?

Kids going to do activities shouldn’t come at the expense of their parents’ wellbeing.

So what about OP and her wellbeing? Or doesn't that matter?

It’s an hour, it’s for his daughter. Sorry he’s being selfish.

Can you call his bluff and say ‘don’t worry I’ll text (INSERT FRIEND, SCHOOL MUM, NEIGHBOUR, GRANDPARENTS) and see if they wouldn’t mind helping me out?

Even if you have no intention of doing this, it might give him a kick up the arse.

I’m not sure this is the answer. In fact, I know it’s not. He’s already trying to manipulate the OP into believing that she doesn’t need to do anything for herself or interrupt his days off by asking that he spends an hour with his child, by telling her that she’s ‘perfect’. I think he’d think that texting someone else to help out, so that he doesn’t have to, would be a brilliant solution. And then OP has had her bluff called.

As others have said, his weekends off are time off work, not time to opt out of parenting.
And "you're perfect as you are" is a brush-off dressed up as a compliment.
Not negating that he works hard, but they are his children too, and he should step up to taking some responsibility for them. OP is doing that all the time.