I understand how you feel and how hard it is to keep being rejected, especially when you have sexual desires and still love and fancy the pants off your partner.
I am a man in a similar situation to you. My wife suffers from PTSD as a result of a traumatic childbirth 21 years ago and I have been repeatedly rejected in this time. and have found my wife’s behaviour towards me very confusing and hurtful. Needless to say that sex has been maybe one or twice a year, at most, and some years no sex or physical contact apart from a peck on the lips when we go to work, come home or go to bed.
We have had some very difficult times, particularly in the last couple of years where I have considered all sorts of options and we have had some very frank conversations.
It is only in the last few years, since Covid, that she has opened up (a little), as a result of these conversations and considerations of whether we should be together or find sex outside the marriage (which I haven’t), that I have been given some understanding as to why she has shut me out and rejected me most of the time all these years.
On occasions she has felt sexual enough to temporarily overcome her PTSD fears and initiate sex but this has been incredibly rare and is extremely confusing, not knowing why she has been able to be intimate on that occasion but not able on others, followed by more rejection.
Probably, rather selfishly over the years, I have focused on sex and unwittingly put pressure on my wife to have sex. Her PTSD has got worse and she refuses to seek help as it is too painful to face, meaning that she hasn’t initiated any intimacy for as long as I can remember. Like you, when I have stopped trying she seems quite happy with this.
We have done a lot of talking over the last few years, which she also finds really difficult, we both still love each other and she assures me that she still fancies and wants me too, but just can’t do anything about it because of her fears. Maybe your husband has some fears that he is unable to face too?
Although we don’t have any more sex than we used to, my wife and I are trying to focus on having more cuddles and more kisses and enjoy the closeness this brings. I know it is not quite the same as sex and I still find that difficult at times as I would like more, but I do still love and like my wife, enjoy her company and don’t want to be with anyone else.
Who knows what the future holds, whether she will want to change or if I will find that I still need more than kisses, cuddles and sex one or twice a year.
I would urge you to do lots of completely open and honest talking with your husband about your needs, his needs, what’s going on in your worlds, what you both want and whether you both honestly want to stay together. Depending on what these conversations reveal, you can go from there. It is not easy and it won’t be quick either I’m afraid.
Sorry this has been such a long post, but it felt like it needed some explanation.
Good luck.