Bad hosting or normal

[badhosting]

3 couples all lived close together - one couple moved about an hour away to save money more space etc

The couple that have moved always want everyone to come to them. Invited us all over this weekend but they could only do brunch. Not great timing for children’s naps etc but we all went as it was the only time they could do.

Working on the assumption it would be a quick in and out, we also made plans for later in the day.

No food served until 2 hours after we arrived - by which time my toddler is overtired and a late nap will result in a difficult bedtime and we were late for our ongoing plans.

Its hard once you’re there as you can hardly leave before the food has come out, but what should I have done?

I probably wouldn't have made other plans the toddler nap is unfortunate but it was a 1 off and you need to accommodate plan changes occasionally.

I mean the food was ready when it was ready maybe your friend got caught up with catching up with you all.

We asked if they could do later and they said no.

But as it turns out they could as they kept us all waiting for so long

I would have left when I needed to for whatever ongoing plans you had.
Did they say why the food was so late? Presumably it wasn't brunch time by then?

If I was invited for brunch at 11 (for example) I wouldn't have expected to wait until 1 to be fed.

This is bad hosting, especially when there are small children involved.

What time did they invite you for this brunch?

What time had you made other plans for?

It sounds like your ongoing plans were too squished together. I don't think it's reasonable to serve food an hour after guests arriving, 2 hours is a lot but things are easily delayed

How long was there between the brunch and your afternoon plans? Did you not ask your friends for a rough "finishing time" before booking something else?

For me, the issue is that we would have preferred later / lunch (made no other plans) but they wanted to do brunch and then were slow.

We didn’t ask for a rough finish time so that’s on us, I guess I would have felt rude doing that.

Lesson learnt.

What time did you end up having the brunch?

Have they got kids?

Deffo need to know the timings of when you were invited for and when the meal was served.

They have a baby. And I think they think we are a bit precious about our toddler - ie often suggesting going out for an 8pm dinner and bringing her and we say no - their child is 8 months and goes to bed 10/11 so more flexible than ours

The baby was not why food was delayed btw

brunch was served just before 1.30 (11 arrival time but the second couple were more like 11.15)

I suppose it's not bad hosting as such, but it would definitely annoy me. Serving food at 1.30pm is lunch not brunch. I guess some people don't really pay attention to times whilst others do. Where were you planning for your toddler to nap? It can be quite stressful being tied to naps, especially if others don't have the same schedule.

Thought we’d be out by 1.30 and she’d nap in the car back.

Usual nap time is 1pm but tried to be flexible around them as assumed they were busy later

Yabu If I'd invited people around who live an hour away for a meal I wouldn't expect them to have made other plans and for them to be rushing off

It's difficult with people's timings and trying to confirm plans without being rude. I'd have not made definite plans if I was going over to theirs in that I wouldn't have booked somewhere for dinner or booked a softplay for example. Instead if you had finished earlier or later than expected I would have just played it by ear.

I don't think they were necessarily inconsiderate it's just that their timings don't align with yours. Lunch at mine is usually between 12.30-1pm whereas at my mil's it is more like 3-4pm. We have young kids who are in bed by 8pm and up at 7.30am though hence our meal timings. As they get older and go to bed later I suspect that will change.

If if been invited for brunch I'd have gone without breakfast, so 1:30 before I got fed would not have gone well.

I think you are being precious about naps, but it's odd to say they couldn't do lunch when they had all day. Something must have gone wrong with their plan? Did you get "brunch" food?

TBH these situations always puzzle me because I can't imagine being invited to someone's home and yet being uncomfortable asking these things or telling them what we need.

I wouldn't have planned to leave brunch at 1pm, unless I'd specifically told the hosts that what I needed to do. I don't think I've ever been to a social thing at someone's home and only stayed 2 hours.

If if been invited for brunch I'd have gone without breakfast, so 1:30 before I got fed would not have gone well.

Exactly. if invited for brunch with an arrival time of 11 I would expect to see food by 11:30.

How can 1.30 possibly be brunch?! That's lunch, regardless of what food you serve. Anything after noon is lunch!

It's your friends not a cafe If you wanted lunch and to be out by a certain time you could have suggested meeting out. It was an invitation (as said by mn) not a summons.

I think that if you genuinely expected an invitation for brunch at 11 to have involved you being done and on the road home by 1.30, then you need to communicate better when you accept an invitation. Eg ‘We’d love to, but we would need to be leaving again at 1.15 at the latest. Does that suit you? Otherwise let’s do it another time.’

And bring food for your toddler.

OP, we moved away from family and friends to enable a life change. We made two promises to ourselves, one was that we accepted we would have to make more of an effort to maintain contact, given that we had moved away. The other was that when we hosted, we would be the best hosts possible.

Your friends are failing on both (admittedly arbitrary) counts; if they absolutely insist on hosting, then the least they can do is to be considerate and flexible. In your shoes, I’d be unhappy and certainly reconsidering future visits.

Distance really can throw friendships and other relationships into sharp focus, and with the best will in the world, some will falter, and some will fail altogether.

1.30 is lunch! I would expect that if someone's only free for brunch they've got something else on later than day and I'd definitely have made plans myself on that basis. That's some weird hosting there.