To ask if you ever feel scared just about the great deep big ocean of life that we're all swimming in?

[OptimismvsRealism]

I chose not to have kids and this weekend I'm having a bit of a blip about it not because I think that was wrong but because I think I'd feel less scared sometimes if I had a big tribe of my own to swim with me.

Looking at photos from ten years ago and thinking if I'd chosen differently I could be a parent of 2 by now with days too busy for silly nebulous fearfulness like this.

My aibu is aibu for being so sad and scared for the future with no particular reason for it.

Life can be scary, can't it.

In some ways it is easier with a tribe. But those existential worries are still there, with extra people to worry about on top.

I genuinely believe neither choice is better than the other. There are so many variables.

You're right. The key is to commit to the choice!

Is the decision to be childfree over and done with? Or are you in a position to have a child if you change your mind? I suppose I’m asking a version of what @OriginalUsername2 has said — is this a choice which has been made, or are you revisiting the idea?

I think you're right there. I haven't got a tribe and I like it. People are all different!

I don't get the analogy. Do you mean someone to share your days with, or the world population as a whole?

Your 'tribe' is generally considered to be your friends the people you surround yourself with isn't it. Children grow up, leave home and find tribes of their own.

V true but they also carry a version of you into the future.

I'm 42 so probably too late.

Not that I think humans should be created in reaction to existential blips!

Everything is so fast isn't it.

no i don’t feel scared about the future

i feel excited to see what it holds for me, and much more importantly…. my two children

do you have things to look forward to? holidays? social events? etc

You don't fear for them and what they'll have to face? That's good. I would - another reason to know I made the right choice!

Yes I'm actually on a nice break just now! It's great here I'm ruining it by being an Eeyore.

oh i worry
but about things like car safety and their personal relationships etc

oh your own?

No with my lovely husband who I honestly do appreciate but for some reason the life choices/paths ahead are unknowable/ can't see the bottom of the pool goblin is on my back.

My mum is currently working out care plans for my dad so I've got a real time illustration of how no path avoids the horribleness so I really should just embrace the moment. These are the good old days, as they say.

have this chat with him
over a cocktail

"You don't fear for them and what they'll have to face? "

I don't have children (by choice) but one of my very young nieces told me she is scared about climate change. I wasnt honest with her and told her that humans are working on it and with new technology it will all be solved. I don't think it will be - there's too many greedy people in a world where money counts above anything.

Another niece asked me if I thought there would be a war with Russia and she was worried her dad would have to go and fight.

I do worry what we're leaving to the next generations. I suppose throughout history there have always been environmental threats and threats of war, but the pervasive nature of the mainstream media and social media makes it that even children don't live in blissful ignorance anymore. I see why there's an epidemic of poor mental health among children & teenagers.

You ANBU to say that life is scary - most of it is out of our control, no matter how much I adult, work hard, care for those I love, look after my health etc.

I am having a beer and things seem temporarily better!

I never felt fearful of things in life until I had children. Having children definitely does not make you less fearful! No regrets - my dc are fantastic - but you don’t realise how easy it is only being responsible for yourself until you are responsible for others.

As for the big ocean of life... I have always found the enormity of life and the universe a comforting idea. I am but a minuscule speck, so how could anything I do actually matter or be a big deal?

Oh yes, I do feel the world is in a very bad and dangerous place right now. And the next stage could start so quickly, and could come from many directions.

I am very concerned for the life ahead for my grandchildren.

Your kids don't carry a version of you into the future because, whilst they will have your genes, they won't have you thoughts, your opinions, your experiences, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, etc.

They can be very different to you. They are themselves just as you are completely separate to your own mother. Their life will be different.

I'm interested in what you mean by a 'tribe'. Are you missing supportive people in your life?

@OptimismvsRealism someone has commented above that the feeling doesn’t go away with DC in your life and I tend to agree. I used to have the same thoughts as you which for me were pre-DC but now I have many “what if I die very young and my DC don’t remember me” or just generally thinking about there being a time when I’m not with them.
So for me…the busy-ness of having DC hasn’t removed that propensity to overthink my lifespan and time on earth but has probably supercharged it and I’m attempting to get some counselling to address it.

I really hope it works out for you. At least we have this solidarity among people! Stuff is hard and we're all just muddling through.