Houseguest who won't leave

[MadzG1471]

I am getting quite annoyed with a houseguest who just won't leave. This is a friend from America, who was planning to be in the UK for a few weeks this summer. I offered him a room at my partner's and my home. We initially spoke – in admittedly quite vague terms – about him staying for two weeks at the beginning of June, after which he was going off on European trips with his girlfriend. It sounded very much like I was going to see a fair bit of them but they wouldn't be here all the time.
However, while he was staying with us, his girlfriend broke up with him and their summer plans fell through. It's now been over three weeks. Although he doesn't expect to be fed and watered, and is self-sufficient, he often mooches around the house and has shown no sign of leaving. He has started doing his laundry in the washing machine. Today I asked when he was planning to go and he said that he felt guilty for imposing on us but mentioned that his summer plans were up in the air because of the break-up and didn't offer a specific date. I feel too awkward to ask him again. He is a writer whose work can be done anywhere, so I worry that this is turning into an open-ended thing and we now have not a guest but a lodger we didn't ask for.
I am trying to be as nice as I can and feel guilty turfing out a friend who is very unhappy about this break-up. He is obviously heartbroken and depressed. But I am getting increasingly vexed with his presence and that he hasn't offered to help in other ways, e.g. with chores, buying groceries etc. He didn't bring a thank-you gift which I was surprised by. There was also a couple of days where he asked if a friend could stay over, who we put in the guest-room. Again, I feel like I didn't sign up for this! There is talk of further visitors in the middle of next month (!) It's all so hideously awkward.
AIBU, and how on earth do I get him to leave without being mean? (And also creating bad blood with a friend who I do like, in spite of my increasing passive-aggression towards him.)

I'm American originally and I'll bet the OP is too. You'd be surprised - this sort of dancing around happens ALL the time, and it's maddening. British people are better able to set boundaries- they may do it with euphemisms, but they'd say SOMETHING. An American might agree then bitch about you , feel guilty, stall, but also expect you to be a mind reader regarding their needs. It's exhausting.

OP he may act shocked but just tell him to go and don't get into details or apologies.

Have you had the talk yet, OP?

I've lived in the US for nearly 22 yrs and honestly its not a US / UK difference, its largely regional (in the us) and class (in the uk).

We can agree to disagree I have lived on the East and West coasts and the Midwest. Not in the deep south, admittedly. I find Brits much more straightforward to deal with.

I've lived in Britain 30 years- London but also the NW.

Tell him that YOUR plans have changed and that you now have people coming to stay, so you need the room back. I little white lie, that leaves NO ambiguity!!

Are you mad or what. Pack his case and leave it on the doorstep all perfectly legal. It's called taking the piss.

I’ve known of a similar situation where a school mum asked a friend whether her son, who’d been in same year as one of their children, who was doing his gap year Australian/Asian travels, could stay with them in Sidney for a bit.

The child stayed about three or four months, never contributing a penny. He even went on holiday with them and another family, to a quite expansive resort, apparently. His parents never offered a cent. They felt too bad to leave him behind.

He’s being outrageous. You need a definitive reason for him to go. I’d be tempted to have a fake row with your dp about it, dp going crazy about him staying so long. Ha, you could have a whale of a time! Either way, don’t offer to let him stay if he pays rent/does jobs, you want him out.

This!!!

Oh there you are friend….I was just wondering about your plans and timings for your trip as I really think you should still go. I know it’s sad that it didn’t work out with girlfriend and you will be travelling alone for a while but you will soon make friends on the traveller's trail and really enjoy meeting new people. It’s the best way to get over the end of a relationship. I really think it would help you, to get stick in with your trip asap now, before the summer slips away any further. No point wasting time mooching around here any more is there. And to be honest we do want to make our own summer plans for all our family visiting, now your stay has come to an end. Can we help you think about where would be fabulous to visit and maybe make a rough plan …do you want to start with Paris or Amsterdam. Look, I printed off an inter rail map for you, tickets are quite reasonable.

Am I getting this right?

Your friend, who has gone out of his way to pay you a visit, has unexpectedly had to end a long term relationship?

And your only concern is getting him out of your house?

I sincerely hope you have very good friends in a real life situation.

Easiest way to get him out is another guest coming. Nice having you, but it’s time to move on and give him 3 days.
You will need time to totally clean the room etc so he’s gone 2 days before they arrive.

some people just really like to take advantage of FREE things.

Let us know what you decide and whether it works!

I would just tell him a white lie and say look my family members are coming to stay I thought u where only staying the two weeks other wise I would not of planned for them to come and we have plans express u feel bad by telling him he must move out asap but u and your partner would like your house back to your self’s for a few days before your “ family members “ come to visit
then never let him stay again because he’s taking the piss !!!

Has he actually said "no I am not leaving" or is it a case of poor comms? It feels like the time to set a boundary was when he was talking about visitors next month: the perfect cue for a conversation.

This 👏🏻

Point him in the direction of the nearest hotel or travelodge. Failing that find him and airbnb to stay in with 'his' guests!!
What a cheeky beggar!

Here’s some air b&bs another week here is fine. These areas are nice if you want to do the tourist thing….

no need to tKe a rude approach. Just let him know you and partner are in need your space back and tell him you need him to move along as you only anticipated 2 weeks.

What makes him think he can invite other people to stay in your house? - without your specific agreement (which you will not give)?
He knows he's pushing it as he said he was feeling guilty - he should have taken the hint when you asked when he was planning to go. He is being very obtuse if he doesn't realise you need your own space now.
The break-up is nothing to do with you (maybe she realised how selfish / immature he is and had a lucky escape). If he hasn't made plans it's time he did so. And although he should not have put you in this position, you should spell it out to him if you have to.

I’m such a woose when it comes to things like that. I’d be moaning to my husband and smiling at the guest ! I’d probably make up a story about other visitors coming soon, just letting you know, you’ll have to make plans …

Better to say something now. We had something similar where my husband’s childhood friend used our house like a b&b and he didn’t say anything at the time but when he was thinking about it later he was so upset by it he just doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. So if you’re humoring him to save the friendship that’s worth thinking about.

@HuevoRanchero puts it very well, kind but firm.

Yikes! I wouldn’t want someone moping about my home post-break up!

he really ought to continue his European trip and enjoy himself

time for a pep talk snd some tough love