Houseguest who won't leave

[MadzG1471]

I am getting quite annoyed with a houseguest who just won't leave. This is a friend from America, who was planning to be in the UK for a few weeks this summer. I offered him a room at my partner's and my home. We initially spoke – in admittedly quite vague terms – about him staying for two weeks at the beginning of June, after which he was going off on European trips with his girlfriend. It sounded very much like I was going to see a fair bit of them but they wouldn't be here all the time.
However, while he was staying with us, his girlfriend broke up with him and their summer plans fell through. It's now been over three weeks. Although he doesn't expect to be fed and watered, and is self-sufficient, he often mooches around the house and has shown no sign of leaving. He has started doing his laundry in the washing machine. Today I asked when he was planning to go and he said that he felt guilty for imposing on us but mentioned that his summer plans were up in the air because of the break-up and didn't offer a specific date. I feel too awkward to ask him again. He is a writer whose work can be done anywhere, so I worry that this is turning into an open-ended thing and we now have not a guest but a lodger we didn't ask for.
I am trying to be as nice as I can and feel guilty turfing out a friend who is very unhappy about this break-up. He is obviously heartbroken and depressed. But I am getting increasingly vexed with his presence and that he hasn't offered to help in other ways, e.g. with chores, buying groceries etc. He didn't bring a thank-you gift which I was surprised by. There was also a couple of days where he asked if a friend could stay over, who we put in the guest-room. Again, I feel like I didn't sign up for this! There is talk of further visitors in the middle of next month (!) It's all so hideously awkward.
AIBU, and how on earth do I get him to leave without being mean? (And also creating bad blood with a friend who I do like, in spite of my increasing passive-aggression towards him.)

He doesn't sound awful so I would sit down with him and say "Bob, we need a plan here. We were expecting to have you for about two weeks, and we don't want a long term roommate, so it is time to make a new plan for the summer and get it booked."

I agree with PPs here. Give him a date in a few days time and say you’ll need to be gone by then. If this breaks up your friendship then I honestly don’t think you’ll be the loser here OP. None of us need selfish, insensitive freeloaders as mates do we?

I voted yabu. What kind of friend can't say when they've had enough?
Tell him you've run out of sympathy and he needs to move on, if that's how you feel.

Where did you expect him to do his laundry btw?

It's time for your friend to embark on his European adventure as a single man. It's a rite of passage for American writers.

You do make a good point about the laundry 😂

I think that sounds fine. Absolute cheek of him to invite another guest.

I was sympathetic to him ,having this break up and then the thought of him being kicked out from his friends. Maybe another week....

Then I saw he'd invited some friends to stay in another four weeks time.

He's not heartbroken. He's just pushing this as far as it can go. He needs to find a hotel in two days time and pay money towards his free accommodation with you the CF

“I thought you’d be staying for two weeks and then popping back for a few days here and there. If you’re planning to be here for over a month I’ll need to start charging some rent or give you some jobs to do. I’m sorry your plans fell through but we can’t afford/don’t want to run the house like a hotel indefinitely”

Yes, tell him to go to Paris, OP! Montmartre is calling his name. He can mooch around in cafes and write mournful stories about The End of Love.

He is stuck and needs a helpful push to get going again. Sympathise but also remind him that many people travel around Europe as solo travellers and it would be a great way to meet new people and take his mind off things. He could easily sign up to organised trips (Exodus, explore as well). A train journey around Europe is another option as well.

But definitely give him a date you need him to leave by.

When you become anxious about offending him/hurting his feelings, remember he doesn’t give a flying f about yours! He’s hanging around, using your stuff, not helping out and brought no gift - he’s a freeloader.
The very fact he planned the initial 2 weeks is red flag enough- that’s a long time in itself.
Tell him you need the room back. Give him minimum time to leave (maybe 2 days) and don’t feel bad if he tugs at your heart strings, gets upset, stroppy, entitled etc. Just expect it and get rid.

As others have said, straight talking. "Can we agree a date for you leaving?" type thing.

There is talk of further visitors in the middle of next month

If you are even entertaining the suggestion of this then you are an absolute mug, OP!

Be careful of saying this unless you'd be happy for him to be there if he does pay rent.

I get the impression you'd just like him to go now?

Just tell him you have loved having him for a couple of weeks and are sorry his plans have fallen through, but you need you space back and he needs to move out by the end of the week.

He has choices of what to do next, he can either go off to Europe himself, sofa surf with other friends, or head back home. You need to make it clear staying with you the whole summer is not one of them! If he falls out with you for a reasonable request then no great loss.

Yes to this.

There's nothing I can add to the great advice that's already been given. I wouldn't make up lies about needing the room for family, be honest and say it's time to move on as he's overstayed his original time of 2 weeks and u don't want a longterm lodger. U should have nipped it in the bud when he first suggested friends staying the first time never mind further friends.

Frank, we need to talk. It's been nice having u but it's time u moved on. If u can make arrangements for within the next few days that would be great as I want the house back to myself and my partner.

He's not bothered about alienating u so why should u be bothered about his feelings. He's taking the piss.

Make him pay for it.
Say its Great having you here, but financially we made sure to budget in you staying for two weeks but now that we're moving to your 4th week, you're going to have to cover the costs of your stay, and it's around £340 quid a week, but we can just make it £300 a week.
But understand if this is too much and you want to move on before we hit the 4th week. When you have to start paying.

And if he says of course and pays, use the money to get a cleaner, and give yourself a holiday.

Just do this!!! I’m conflict avoidant too and this is probably the best /least awkwArd way to turf him out

How is your partner OK with this?

Don't ask. Tell the squatter that he needs to be out by X date. He was planning to be on holiday, so he must have money.

You're being a doormat, frankly. There is being friendly, and then there's having someone pitch up at your house indefinitely, inviting their friend to stay. Come on.

Let us know how the chat goes, OP!

There is talk of further visitors in the middle of next month (!) It's all so hideously awkward.

This was surely the perfect opportunity to put a stop to things and say no, you can’t still be living here next month. Honestly OP this ‘friend’ has you looking like an absolute tit and is happily taking advantage of you for free housing. Tell him he needs gone in the next week or two, you have plans for the summer and need your house back. I wouldn’t see them as a friend moving forward.

I wouldn’t see them as a friend moving forward.

Quite. A friend wouldn't act like this. He's taking the piss because he can.

Is he expecting you to do laundry for when his friends visit? IE changing the beds etc because if so that is an absolute piss take

Disagree with this, it gives him a chance to say "no problem I'll move out for a week until they've gone".
I'd be upfront, concise and honest (ish!).

How about "Well Dave it's been great having you but me and partner love our own space so we will need to sort a date for you leaving in the very near future, how about next Tues"

If he comes back at you, I'd say,

"Nah, sorry mate, it's just not working for us, we need our space back now".