Houseguest who won't leave

[MadzG1471]

I am getting quite annoyed with a houseguest who just won't leave. This is a friend from America, who was planning to be in the UK for a few weeks this summer. I offered him a room at my partner's and my home. We initially spoke – in admittedly quite vague terms – about him staying for two weeks at the beginning of June, after which he was going off on European trips with his girlfriend. It sounded very much like I was going to see a fair bit of them but they wouldn't be here all the time.
However, while he was staying with us, his girlfriend broke up with him and their summer plans fell through. It's now been over three weeks. Although he doesn't expect to be fed and watered, and is self-sufficient, he often mooches around the house and has shown no sign of leaving. He has started doing his laundry in the washing machine. Today I asked when he was planning to go and he said that he felt guilty for imposing on us but mentioned that his summer plans were up in the air because of the break-up and didn't offer a specific date. I feel too awkward to ask him again. He is a writer whose work can be done anywhere, so I worry that this is turning into an open-ended thing and we now have not a guest but a lodger we didn't ask for.
I am trying to be as nice as I can and feel guilty turfing out a friend who is very unhappy about this break-up. He is obviously heartbroken and depressed. But I am getting increasingly vexed with his presence and that he hasn't offered to help in other ways, e.g. with chores, buying groceries etc. He didn't bring a thank-you gift which I was surprised by. There was also a couple of days where he asked if a friend could stay over, who we put in the guest-room. Again, I feel like I didn't sign up for this! There is talk of further visitors in the middle of next month (!) It's all so hideously awkward.
AIBU, and how on earth do I get him to leave without being mean? (And also creating bad blood with a friend who I do like, in spite of my increasing passive-aggression towards him.)

Remind him that your original agreement was 2 weeks and it's now been 3 weeks so could he please stick to the original agreement.

I feel sure this is impossible @ByCupidStunt 🤔

"Sorry Bob but we've made some plans and have family coming so we'll need you out by next Tuesday week."

OP, are you wearing an outfit with 'DOORMAT' written on it whilst lying on the floor ?!

Just tell him to fuckoff. Tell him you are in a specialised hobby ( love to know what these are) and they need your house next week to discuss the specialised hobby

Specialised hobby? Blimey.......that sounds kinky....!

I had the exact same situation except I house shared. My uni friend overstayed her welcome, I had actually a ferried coming to visit and asked her to vacate the living room here she slept on the floor. She suggested that for the time my friend was visiting she could sleep in my bedroom 😅. I insisted that she leaves and gave her a week's notice. She was in between flats but wasn't paying rent and had other arguably closer friends who could have put her up. She also sucked up to my house mate and both behaved as if I was unreasonable. I lost both as friends and moved out soon after. Charming.

Presumably he’s waiting out the time until his return flight leaves (his summer plan fell through as your OP details)? I’d probably clarify the return flight details and take it from there. Ultimately I have some empathy for his situation which sounds hideous, but you didn’t sign up to a month/summer long stay.

Clearly it would be a "no" to further additional guests, but you said he'd planned to be in the UK "for a few weeks" and it's now three so I'm wondering how much longer he's expecting to be there?

Personally I'd put up with it for 1-2 more weeks, especially if you didn't really clarify before he arrived, but if it's more than that - or god forbid his return ticket isn't booked - then a hard chat would need to be had

'It's been lovely having you to stay but we need you to be gone by next weekend.'

Then hold your nerve and your tongue.

He’s taking the piss. OP, he’s not behaving like a good friend and you have really been very generous. Time to say you need your house back as things are getting busy in the next week for a while so you need the space again. Maybe give him 2 nights to find some other place to stay?

Oh and lesson learned- don’t let this CF stay again!

Did he really bring no gift? No meals or treats out? Find that strange ….

I’d just say, I’ve got family coming at the weekend, so he has to leave by Thursday latest; you have to get the room ready, et cetera (if you feel like justifying it more)

Oh he is a writer! He’ll be there forever, the ones I know have hides like rhinos.

Sorry Bob I need you out by Friday. Why don’t you cook on Thursday as a farewell meal treat.

He was taking the piss asking if his friend could stay, that was a test to see what he could get away with, you folded immediately OP!!
Now he knows you dont got no balls.
You have to magic up a MASSIVE pair of cojones and stand there (metaphorically) fondling them while you give him his marching orders.
Dont back down, imagine you also have a huge cock to go with the cojones if you start to waver.

You have to say no when the unreasonable request/assumption first comes up - for example, when he first raised the subject of friends staying in mid-July. Even if they only stay a few days and he leaves immediately afterwards, that's six weeks he's stayed - 3x the original agreement! Giving him the idea that this might be OK, even by saying nothing at all, makes it more awkward to say no later when he'll have assumed it's OK/you don't object. I think ultimately that will hurt the friendship more than being blunt up front. it's actually possible he thinks what he's doing is OK (maybe he honestly would happily do the same for you in similar circumstances?) so it's best to make the boundaries clear for both your sakes.

Keep in mind that if he can afford to travel around Europe with his girlfriend, he's not without options other than staying at your place indefinitely. If you think he's genuinely paralysed due to the shock of the breakup, that's another matter - but even then, the best thing to do would probably be to encourage him to pick up the pieces of his planned holiday and do it solo or travel around the UK or wherever he prefers, or go home.

If all else fails - assuming he's in the UK on a tourist visa or equivalent, he only gets six months before he has to leave the country.

I’m a writer and can confirm that while rejections, sniffy reviews, disappointing sales and having to smile through an awards dinner when someone else won have left me with a somewhat battered but resilient ego, I have never expected someone to host me for a fortnight, far less indefinitely, have never not brought a present or bought my hosts groceries or meals out, refused to say when I was leaving, mooched around their house looking lovelorn OR invited my friends to stay too! That’s pretty outrageous. And

Tell him he will need to be gone by such and such a date as you have family coming to stay.

Just be upfront.

Been lovely seeing you friend, appreciate your plans have been scuppered due to braking up with x, but we need you to leave by the end of June at the latest.

Wow. Please tell him all the social rules he’s breaking fgs.

It’s an awful feeling waiting for guests to go and seeing them just treating your house like a holiday home while your regular lives are on hold. We had similar with younger in laws and they were perplexed that we’d rather go back to our normal lives than have them around taking up space for god knows how much longer 😅

Today I asked when he was planning to go and he said that he felt guilty for imposing on us but mentioned that his summer plans were up in the air because of the break-up and didn't offer a specific date. I feel too awkward to ask him again

Right, so he basically implied he was going to stay with you until his return date rather than travel in Europe? You then said nothing - which he probably took as implicit consent. Go back to him, say you didn’t want to mention it straight after his girlfriend troubles but he won’t be able to stay with you after X date as you have visitors. He presumably had money ready to spend in Europe so he can spend it in the U.K. on a hotel and/or travelling.

I voted YABU because if you didn’t want him there you should have said so, not seethed silently. He’s not psychic.

He invited friends to your house?! Unbelievable?

I'm also a writer and I, and all my writer friends, are a lot more considerate than this!

But I do wonder if this situation is less CF and more paralysis comprised of unhappiness and loss of plans. If he'd been going to travel onward with the XGF, all that will now be meaningless. None of this explains his turning up without a gift though, so maybe he is just a thoughtless twonk.

I don't see why lying is wrong if it makes it easier for OP to get rid of the unwanted guest?

I totally forgot, next month we are house swapping. Need to get the house ready now.

We have an exchange student coming over (if you have teens).

We have moths and need to do the moth smoke bomb thing. Then get his stuff out and lock the door.

You shouldn’t really need to use these excuses though… is he one of those who thinks his presence is enough to have him staying? As he’s such a nice guy.

I think I'd say, with a smile on my face, "as much as I love having you, it's time to go!" There's nothing wrong with saying it, as long as you say it in a nice way.

Years ago my parents had foreign students staying. One young Argentinian had his GF dump him and you wouldn’t believe the over dramatic sighs and long faces from him.

I just clicked on the wrong response! You are not unreasonable at all and this is one cheeky person!