To stay in this marriage?

[lucieinlondon]

My husband has been in an ongoing affair with his ex probably since before we were married. They've carried on their relationship as though I'd be oblivious forever. The secrets seep through the cracks and I've had an inkling for a while now. She's been a source of rows between me and my husband for years. Over time I've lost faith in him and we don't argue any more. What's most appalling is how his friends and family have kept me in the dark whilst knowing what's going on behind the scenes. His mates, I suspect, enabled the love affair.

AIBU to stay in this marriage? We don't argue any more. I've given up on him as a 'DH'. But I want as much normalcy for my DCs as possible. I grew up in a broken home and I don't want to put my children through the same traumatic experience of parents' marriage breaking down. He's a nice enough father. He keeps up his act. He also provides for me. I don't want the legal hassle of a divorce, and I'm even reluctant to put my children through a separation. Eldest DC I suspect has a hunch, keeps quiet though. Am I mad to sit through this until at least my DCs are older? I hate the woman with a PASSION. I don't want to consent to a menage a trois. I think it's disgusting. But I don't want to destabilise my kids either. it's not worth it, and I don't want to give those adulterers my blessing to live openly by voluntarily resigning from this marriage.

Hello OP,

You don't say how old your children are, but fast forward 15-20yrs and think how you would feel if your son/daughter was in a loveless marriage, and a situation like you are in with your husband, what advice would you give them?
I ask you, because you are setting the blueprint for how their relationships look and what is acceptable and what is not.
If you wouldn't want it for them, don't put up with it yourself. You are strong and can do whatever you put your mind too ☺️

I think if you were truly dissociated and happy with the financial security and stability go ahead. But the situation has obviously caused you a lot of pain and anguish for years.
You woudlnt be destabilising your kids, you’d be inspiring then to stand up for themselves. How old are the kids? If one’s old enough to already have suspicions then the damage of your environment is already happening

You need to leave. Don’t teach your children that this is an acceptable way to live. And don’t make them unhappy living this lie; they will pick up that something isn’t right especially as your resentment grows.

It's not the woman you should be hatibg with a passion...
What kind of example are you setting for your children letting a man treat you with such disrespect just for an easier life.
Be brave abd strong. Model that to your kids. You are a human being.
Please leave this sham marriage abd actually get back your self esteem and sense of self.
He did this. He broke up the marriage by cheating. It's already done. The damage to the children has already been done.. by him. You staying will just add to that damage not undo it. It's a very toxic situation. It's worse than a broken home. It's children knowing there's something awful going on but no one is acknowledging it. What an example.. an absolute headfuck for them.
Show them that no one should tolerate being treated like thar. Show them that a woman can be happy on her own and that that's a better option than being lied to and disrespected.

Agree with the comments here. What message will the children get? Affairs are OK? Loveless marriagea are normal? Men should be allowed to get away with treating women like dirt and women should put up with it? No. It's better they grow up knowing when to walk away from a bad relationship.

Also, you deserve more than spending your life like this. Get financial advice and emotional support and end this farce of a marriage.

You deserve to be in a relationship that brings you love and joy. Your children deserve better. They deserve to see their mum with a partner who adores and respects them. Come on, you know this deep down surely?

Stand up for yourself. Be an example to your children that they shouldn’t put up with this in their own futures.

You say you don’t want to destabilise but I’m sorry to be blunt, it’s incredibly damaging to your children to stay in this marriage. You’re normalising a toxic situation and children know more/are smarter than you realise. They will know something isn’t right and they’ll grow up without any strong role models.

I think it's highly likely this will come to a head at some point and this marriage will end. Perhaps once the kids have left home. Imagine finding out that the reason you mum seethed inwardly for years was for you... How awful would that make you feel!
You could be really misleading what will hurt them most here.
Divorce isn't fun for anyone but it can be handled well, with dignity, and co-parenting afterwards can be civil and child centered if the parents pull together for that. It doesn't have to be ghastly.

If it’s so obvious that your kids suspect, they are already destabilised.

Kids are heavily impacted by their parents relationship.

Sadly, it will likely impact their relationship with both him and you as they get older.

But the choice is yours.

Yes, you can stay in this marriage. I think that divorce often does destabilise kids. There’s no way of knowing the impact on them or on you. You can do whatever you choose, despite what others say.

It's a tough one...it is so hard for women to leave when children are involved.

Can you at least make preparations to leave, should the time come when you can bear it no longer?

I think realistically a lot of people do this, stay in a very sub-par marriage or co-parenting type marriage for all the reasons you list. It's hardly an unusual choice, I know several of them myself and the children and adult children are mostly grand, or at least not obviously more damaged than the rest of us.. I left my husband and while I think it was the right thing for me, even 8 years on with my children doing OK and having a good set up, I think my children probably would have been better off had I stayed in what was for me an unhappy marriage. They would have got to live in one house, I would have had to work less so that would have had more of me and their lives would have been infinitely less complicated. Yes, children know when things aren't right between their parents to an extent but that doesn't mean that they want their world turned upside down either. I left my marriage for MY sake, not my children's, I think a lot of people have trouble admitting this but it is often true.

It's a really hard one. I don't think I could bear it. That said, there is a cost to divorce in all sorts of ways. In some ways my children are happier but it's like it's the best choice of two terrible choices. Like a PP said, the children have two houses, do this 50/50 which is so popular and yes does help me work which is good, but for them to have two houses? I'm not convinced. I think only time will tell. Reality is we all lost a great deal. But equally, ex was an arsehole and I wasn't going to teach me children that being married to an arsehole was ok. Best of luck.

Tbh I could not stand the total humiliation of the situation you are in.
The fact that everyone - his family and his friends - not only know about but are enabling his relationship with another woman? I don't see how you can live with that and not have your self esteem and confidence totally eroded in time.

I don't see how sacrificing your life can be justified " for the sake of the children" . That's basically what you would be doing. Sacrificing your life and happiness. And as other pp has said the children, certainly as they get older, will know the dynamics of your relationship, will know you are unhappy and will see you shrink as a person. How can that be good for them?

And as has been pointed our your DH will very possibly leave when it suits him anyway.

I think the very least you should be doing is take advice on your financial situation if you were to seperate. Explore your options for if you separated. And I think if it is at all viable then separating is the route you should be going down.

Having divorced parents might not be the ideal situation for your children but having a mother who is unhappy and who is being disrespected and humiliated is a bad situation for them anyway. A terrible learning experience for them.

It's awful for you when this dilemma is not of your making. And it's not just your DH who is causing this: it's also down to those enabling and supporting him.

Why shouldn't she hate the woman!? I hate this idea that only the cheater is responsible. Obviously, he is awful but it takes two. Lecturing the OP that she shouldn't blame the OW does nothing.

I think it's the contrast. She can muster up hatred for the OW but is considering letting her husbands behaviour go unchallenged.
She's focusing her anger in the wrong place. Often women do this so they don't have to confront the real issue. Blame the OW for stealing the man away.. allows them not to have to hate the man and makes it easier to stay in the relationship.
The anger and pain have to be directed somewhere... I just personally think focusing on the OW is a waste of time and energy. Yeah I'd not think highly of her. But she's irrelevant. If it wasn't her it would be some other other woman! Decent men don't treat their wives this way. It's not the sexy temptress casting a spell. He's a piece of shit and that's the bottom line.

Personally it was a huge shock to my sense of security when my parents passed me around like a ball. I would be spending a few days at my mother's a few at my father's, and some days when neither could have me for whatever reason I had to spend a night or two with my aunt