How to deal with a controlling boy

[AdviceForDs]

I really need advice on something that’s been going on for a while. My DS is essentially being forced into a friendship with this boy (let’s call him James) he doesn’t like. He’s been crying again tonight really upset and said he hopes that boy gets expelled. I’m really trying to stay calm with him and I’ve told him he doesn’t have to be friends with anyone he doesn’t like but he’s saying James said he will tell the teacher if DS doesn’t play with him. I’m really struggling how to deal with this as I have no experience.

Could mums with experience and wisdom please advise me? My son is 6 and so is this other boy. My DS is very sensitive and it seems like this boy has latched onto him and he doesn’t even let DS play with any of the other boys he previously played with I’m friends with one of the other mums Whose child he used to play with and suggested a playdate in park but my DS got upset and said James will get angry if he finds out.

I did mention to his teacher previously but she was not remotely helpful.

I even suggested a play date with James but the mother never responds. She’s actually a little strange everytime I have seen her. I wanted to see how they play together and thought this might be a good chance.

please be kind my son is very upset and I’ve been trying to downplay this for many months and I need advice. I feel like a bad mother for not giving the right advice or helping him feel better about the situation. His eyes were so red after all the crying. He does this at least 2x a week. I feel frustrated as all he needs to say is “I will play with you later James” but he doesn’t. He continued playing with this boy out of fear but then comes home and cries. He’s even asked me if he can change schools.

If the teacher is not taking you seriously go over her head and speak to the head teacher.
They have a duty of care, amd since this is happening in school time and on school property they have to deal with it.
Dont be put off!

There’s only a few weeks left of term so hopefully a new teacher will be more receptive. Do you get a chance to meet their teacher for the year before September? I would explain your concerns and ask that they do not sit together next year, and that they are apart as much as possible. Then be busy all summer and try to see the other friend. Six weeks is a long time to a small child and hopefully James will have moved on to someone else by then.

Demand a meeting with the teacher on Monday. Make yourself a massive pain in her arse. If there is more than one class ask for your DS to be moved. Honestly it’s so important to get your kid out of these toxic situations when they are forming an understanding of how relationships work. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is allowed to tell this kid to leave him alone and practice shouting ‘go away’ if he won’t.

I agree you need to take this further. Your son is frightened of him and how James will react which cent be allowed to continue. Given his age, perhaps “James” lacks the social skills to deal with friendships and needs support with this.

You need to go back to the teacher and explain what is going on. And maybe have another conversation with your son their too. If they don't take it seriously, go to the level above.

I would also want to ask the teacher/playground supervisor if your son's perception of James is wholly accurate. Will James really be angry if he finds out about me a playdate? Does he really give ultimatums? Not suggesting your son is lying but sometimes DC get in a muddle about friendships.

Also, if James says he'll tell the teacher... So what? The teacher will back your son up about not having to play with people he doesn't want to.

Your DS is still young enough that you can set up playdates for him. I would work on strengthening other friendships over summer.

My daughter had this! We asked for them to be separated in year 1. It just made things awkward and all their friends got involved "why isn't X allowed to play with you anymore?" Etc and it actually made it worse. In year 2 my daughter found her voice and now aged 7 they all play nicely together. This friend was trying to alienate my daughter and keep her all to herself. She ended up playing with her friends and saying X could come and play too and ignoring her if she sulked off. Eventually X joined in and it's all OK at the moment and she is 'diluted' within the group but one to one is very intense.

It sounds like your son is being bullied by him. If no luck with the class teacher I'd take it to the Head. Say you need your son to feel safe to play with who he wants and not to be bullied by him

Do not put this off. Your son is asking for help, do not wait a few more weeks in the hope a new teacher is receptive, a new teacher who doesn't know the kids or the dynamics.

Step up. Email the head and ask for a meeting. Go in with a bullet pointed list of incidents that cause concern and how you son has changed due to this situation. Go with a bullet point list of what you might like to happen. E.g. Not sitting near each other in lessons, any pair work your son is guided to someone more suitable. Break times staff are informed it is an issue. And then after this meeting you son needs to attend with you and the head so he can hear he has support in the staff to say no to this other student. Because he needs to learn to say no.

The over the summer no play dates or contact with the kid. But arrange play dates with the friend that he used to play with. Set up a WhatsApp group of the boys in the class your son used to play with and say you're going to the farm or some other activity at this time and date and would be lovely if you could join us. Foster and encourage positive relationships.

I'd also suggest story books from Amazon or the library about confidence, bullying, saying no, etc so your son hears through stories how to deal with situations. Stories work well with kids to get them thinking and talking.

Thank you all. I was really expecting people to say I’m overreacting! It breaks my heart seeing him so upset. What shall I say to DS Monday morning? I’m not very good at my words as you can tell!

You need to teach your son ( or continue to teach ) some stock phrases that,he just has to repeat.
Take every opportunity you can to encourage him to use his voice , as in, assert himself. Do this especially in non threatening situations until he builds confidence.
I would be tempted to affirm with the teacher , in front of him, that he won't be in trouble. Maybe an email asking her to chat .
He is only young and it's so tough learning to negotiate strong personalities.

Does the class have a teaching assistant? They might be better placed to intervene and encourage "James" to play with others.

Tell him that this situation is not okay and you are so proud of him for telling you how he is feeling and explaining it so well. But now it is time for mummy to do her job and look after him. So I'm going to speak to the head teacher because this has now gone on so long that adults can help. Tell him he's done nothing wrong and he can definitely choose to play with who he wants and no one should make him feel scared or intimidated.

This happened with one of my DC but at an older age. The teacher was very good after I told her what was happening and told the other boy to pack it in. Obviously in teacher language! He did persist for a short while but she caught him red handed and told him off. I hope they sort it out OP. They really should.

Your poor boy. He must be in mental agony.

Go and urgently see the Head and get this terrible situation sorted out.

I hope the school will quickly follow up on this, if not, change schools if you can. It must be awful and so worrying for your dear boy. Poor little chap.

Im the sort who’d probably corner “James” and have a go at him. I’d do it in front of his mother with my phone on record.

No holds barred. Be a Tiger Mum OP!

They're both six! Can't you just tell your son to ignore him until he goes away? Who cares if he tells the teacher??

You don’t think I’ve tried that before coming on here? It’s been ongoing. And yes my DS does care about being told off, as you said “he’s 6” he doesn’t understand beyond the fact the boy will complain about him. My DS is very sensitive and doesn’t like to get in trouble.

He's being bullied and inviting him for a playmate is the last thing he needs. Speak to the teacher and try and instil some confidence into your boy. Make sure he knows he won't get in trouble is he refuses to play with the child

I think this is spot on