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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to send ds1 to granny's without ds2

19 replies

manamana · 08/04/2008 20:58

I know, an 'is my mum being unreasonable' thread in disguise!
But, my mum keeps asking if Ds1 (will be nearly 3) can go and stay with her in the summer. She has made it very clear she doesn't want Ds2 to go (will be 6 months).

Last year Ds1 stayed with them for a few days because dh and I had to go away for work at same time, I wasn't very happy about leaving him without either of us but he was fine and I know my parents loved having him without us 'interefering'! I was v grateful that they could help us out.

However, this summer I am on maternity leave, looking forward to spending some time with my boys and DS1 seems pretty keen on DS2 and I think he would miss him. I would also worry that he'd feel a bit shoved out. I have said this to my mum but she just keeps dismissing it.

I'm going to carry on saying no but just wondered whether I am being a bit harsh and should be more apologetic about it.

OP posts:

FruitfulOfFruit · 08/04/2008 21:01

Your thread title implies that you want ds2 to go too. But your post seems to say you don't want either of them to go. Not sure which you are thinking?

Can't you just say, thanks but no thanks, not while I'm on maternity leave, I can't miss any of this time with my boys? Or how about you all go?

luckylady74 · 08/04/2008 21:02

I can see your mum's point - a precedent was set and they had a lovely time, but your reasons are valid and above all they are your kids. No harm in being sensitive and merely saying you want family time on maternity leave - you need to leave the door open for another time when you need them.

Original poster

manamana · 08/04/2008 21:06

sorry fruitful, sleep deprivation is hampering my writing skills - no, wouldn't want DS2 to go without me as he's so tiny. Have said thanks but no thanks but she keeps asking so I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable - we will all be going at some point but she prefers spending time with them without me (won't go into the complexities of another boring mother/daughter relationship).

Just thought i'd see what the world of mnet thought. Am having a miraculous baby-free evening as they are both asleep - should really be cleaning something!

OP posts:

Flum · 08/04/2008 21:06

Depends id you don't fancy it don't do it.

My MIL and FIL take our girls on holiday for a week every August without us. Its bliss.

But often she comes and scoops up DD1 who is 4 for a couple of days as they can do more stuff together without the littler one.

I can understand it. I like to see their relationship grow and become independant.

But I love my MIL so makes it easy.

My mum does it too but usually only on my request if we want a weekend without kids for a wedding or ball or something.

Flum · 08/04/2008 21:07

I also love having time just witht the little one on my own. I pretend she is my specialist First Born and sit and read to her for ages like I did with DD1.

Oooh I would jump at it.

Original poster

manamana · 08/04/2008 21:07

cross-posted, thanks lucky

OP posts:

windygalestoday · 08/04/2008 21:08

i think it would be nice for ds 1 to go for a few days ds 2 is much younger and i suspect a bigger responibility ds1 is a 'person' in his own right - my children have only 1 grandparent and i think of all the missed opputunities my children lost

Original poster

manamana · 08/04/2008 21:10

flum - does dd1 not miss dd2? don't want that to come out in the wrong way (like she should!) just wondering

OP posts:

getmeouttahere · 08/04/2008 21:14

I think you have to be careful though that a pattern for the future is not set.

My mum spent loads of time with DC1 when she was a baby and young child to the exclusion of DC2.

Now they are BOTH older and "easier" to look after she continues to show a huge preference for the first and DC2 hardly knows her (and vice versa).

I understand it to a certain extent as those early years are bonding years but its really quite obvious now. Thankfully DC2 seems to just accept it.

K20 · 08/04/2008 21:14

Let DS1 go ... he will enjoy it, your mother will enjoy it and you get some time on your own with DS2. Children need to learn how to form independent relationships with the older generation and I think you are depriving your mother and DS1 .... DS2's turn will come later. IMO a few days out of the entire Summer is not much for her to ask

AbbeyA · 08/04/2008 21:21

I think that it is a good idea, it is nice for them to have individual attention-it always seems a shame when they have to be seen together.He could just go for a short visit.

Original poster

manamana · 08/04/2008 21:22

hmmm, maybe i am being a bit unreasonable - i just feel like we've only just built this new family and I don't want anyone separated for a while (maybe I'm having pfb syndrome a bit late!)

Getmeout - yep, that's already a bit of an issue. My mum is slightly obsessed with ds1 - she has 3 grandchildren and about 10 ste-grandchildren and to hear her speak you'd think she only has 1. This was hard enough to swallow when if was my nieces and nephews who were being sidelined but now seems to be ds2 as well.

Hmmm, am off to have a bath (they're still asleep woo-hoo!) and ponder on it. Thanks for input.

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 08/04/2008 21:44

Does she live far away? Perhaps you could just have some days out together?

bozza · 08/04/2008 21:48

I would agree with you that your DS2 is too young and wouldn't send him. But I would be happy for your DS1 to go and have some big boy treats and special attention. Especially as he has been before.

My DS went to his grandparents overnight while DD was a baby. Once DD was old enough they started going together.

Triggles · 08/04/2008 22:08

Maybe she's just trying to be nice to allow you some time with your younger child or to give the older child some "cool, I'm the centre of attention for awhile" time. It's sometimes nice for the older child to have a break when there's a baby in the house as well. And I imagine there are some activities that your older child would enjoy that your baby is simply too young for.

Flibbertyjibbet · 08/04/2008 22:29

I have ds1 aged 3.4 and ds2 aged 23m. My parents are in their late 70's and would love to have the boys to stay for a night but can't manage both of them. I decided that we would wait till ds2 was a bit older before sending them both.
Then the other week I thought 'sod it' and we will send ds1 by himself. He gets time to be with his grandparents and we get exclusive time with ds2, which we haven't had in his little life, because he is ds2 and never had us to himself.
Then later on they can both stay or take turns as I think they will always be a handful

My older sister used to go and stay at my grandmas which I was jealous of when very small but as soon as I was old enough to go on my own we took turns having our little holidays. So both of us got time with grandma. We didn't get exclusive time with our parents though as there are two younger sisters and sadly my gran had died before they were old enough to go on these little 'holidays' (2 streets away but OH what an adventure!)

knakered · 08/04/2008 23:48

My sister always invites my older son only to play with her son (only child)...it pisses me off really as her son is between both of my two in age...I feel it leaves the younger one out...I always refuse and she always still just invites the older one

terriblyashamed · 09/04/2008 00:03

Your DS2 is still so young, he'll never know, so no harm done to him if DS1 does go off to your mum. But I quite understand your reasons for not wanting to let him go.

My DD is 7 and as self-assured and confident as she could be. She has loads of friends and does out of school activities etc and not in the least bit clingy with me. BUT MIL keeps asking (has asked every year since she was 4) if she would like to go and stay with her in the country for a week in the summer holidays: DD just doesn't want to go! She doesn't want to leave me, DH or her little 4 year old brother, (who sometimes drives her round the bend!). She has said to me she doesn't want to go; she loves her grandma to bits, but she'd rather be with us. The very same issue has arisen this year.

Its not a given that children want to spend time away from their parents, imho, even if with their grandparents who they love very much. My DD and DS are spending 1 night with their grandparents this weekend and tbh I know they'd rather be with me and DH. And GPs are absolutely lovely!

horsish · 09/04/2008 00:10

I am a big believer in individual attention for kids and stressed to my kids at an early age it is IMPOSSIBLE for siblings to have exactly the same experiences, treats, etc on a day to day basis . However I assured thsm I won't favour one over another and it all works out equal in the end!

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