To ask how to deal with this?

[drcdx]

My mum. She blows so hot and cold with me and I don't know how to handle it. I just want a normal relationship, to have her there to chat to etc.

She will either be all in and ring me a million times a day (and then will be in a mood if I can't answer)

Or she will and I quote say "I am out of bounds for a week" and will not speak to me. If I need to contact her, she will ignore me or reply "ok". If I said to her to not contact me for a week there would be world war three.

She said last week she would meet me for lunch today at work. I need to plan meetings around this. I ask if she is still coming and she says "will let you know". I said I need to know for work and she said "you'd think we haven't spoken for years the way you're desperate to see me"

I can't keep up!!!!!!

Sadly it doesn’t look like she can give you the relationship you want. See her when she’s available if you want but seek your support elsewhere. Sorry OP

Treat her how she's treating you, and absolutely tell her you're out of bounds for 2 weeks.

If I did this she wouldn't speak to me for months

Doesn't sound like a bad thing. How else are you going to teach her she can't treat you the way she does?

I agree with @Wolfiefan . I think the first step in how to handle it is for you to come to terms that you won't get the relationship you'd like with her, hard as that may be.

Secondly, you need to come to terms with the fact that she wants you not to know where you are with her, this is deliberate behaviour.

It's a horrible realisation when we see that the person who should nurture us above all others (apart from our siblings of course) is using us to score their own personal points in their shallow little lives.

I would recommend looking up grey rock and try to use that going forward, you need to protect yourself against anymore headfuckery and hurt

I actually think you're completely right in that she enjoys making me feel this way. How messed up is that?

It is an awful realisation that the relationship you want or need isn't the one you got or get now.

Just decide what to do going forward, have a little google on behaviour. Silent treatment is abusive, look it up. Realise how manipulative she would be if she did not speak to you for a month. I know this is AIBU but the Relationships board covers all relationships including parental and there are plenty of these types of situations on there if you want to have a look or post about your Mum.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships

Oh thanks for this, I actually thought it was more for marriage etc so that's really helpful.

@drcdx I know, a lot of people think that but it is all types of relationships which is why I point it out, parental, sibling, grandparents etc. Really useful advice on there from lots of great posters. Sometimes behaviour displayed by a parent/sibling is abusive but we have never framed it in that reference and it can be quite shocking to have a light shone on it.

Or she will and I quote say "I am out of bounds for a week" and will not speak to me. If I need to contact her, she will ignore me or reply "ok". If I said to her to not contact me for a week there would be world war three.

Why are you contacting her during her week when she’s clearly stated that you should not?
For a start, you’re not going to make headway enforcing that boundary for yourself, when you ignore hers.

The key is to stop caring about her moods.
They’ll either stop because they don’t achieve anything - or continue but you don’t care.

Because if I make no effort her excuse is then to ignore me later because I've made no effort when she told me not to!

So it's ok for her to be out of bounds but not you... That's because she selflessly dedicated herself to bringing you up blah blah, in her head anyway. That is pretty much the job of being a mother and I know this term is bandied about, but it's narcissistic behaviour - putting her needs first.

And you are set up to fail. Mine is similar btw, she doesn't go off grid (alas).

Because if I make no effort her excuse is then to ignore me later because I've made no effort when she told me not to!

But you know this. So why are you choosing to play her game? I don’t mean that critically - I mean, ask yourself that question!
She tells you not to contact her for a week.
You do anyway.
So you allow the game to continue.
I really recommend that you really think about what happens if you don’t play her game.
So she ignores you. And? That’s better than being on the receiving end of her shit.

She is pissing you about to continually prove to herself that she can. So - don’t 😉

Your choice is put up with it or do something about it in the knowledge that she will be awful to you as a result.
Don't think you can make any changes and she will be ok with it, she won't so decide whats more important.
Personally I would get better boundaries and deal with the fallout but its up to you

And you are set up to fail

This is also something to bear in mind. They could ask you to bend over backwards so you do then they scream that you should have known to bend forwards. You can do everything they ask of you and it will be wrong.

They twist everything, they want you to be in turmoil and thinking of them constantly.

Strong people don't behave like that. They might appear to have a lot of power but that's just because you feel obliged or want to engage with them, to get something you never will.

Isn't that a bonus?

When she wants to be 'out of bounds' for a week, don't get in touch however much you want to. But equally don't get in touch soon afterwards, if she contacts you I'd do a vague ' oh hi Mum, sorry I thought you were out of bounds'. Act like you don't care, can't remember when she will be available. She wants you chomping at the bit once she's ready but don't do that. She wants to control you, but if you don't allow her to - she can't.

This is an abusive relationship. Think about if it was your partner behaving like this, would you put up with it?

Unless you rely on her for childcare and can't survive without her help, in the short term at least; spend your energy on starting a new hobby and meeting new people or increase the frequency of the time you spend with friends. The more you surround yourself with people who aren't deliberately putting you in a spiral the easier it will be to control how much contact YOU want with your mother.

Mine used to guilt trip me and treat me like crap, I finally went NC almost a year ago. Don't miss her at all.

Guilt trips here too. It always seems to be when something nice happens to me that's when she stops talking for a good month or so. When I graduated, had a baby, before my wedding etc. it's like she doesn't want to me to be happy

Classic narcissistic behaviour. They can't stand that you are more the centre of attention than them, even if there's no-one else in the room; and as you say not wanting you to be happy - she's not, why should you be. What's she like on your birthdays?

Absolutely spot on.

My mother is like this. It's very upsetting and frustrating when you just want a normal relationship with them.

She’s a manipulative, selfish, toxic arsehole @drcdx Poor you, growing up with a mother like that.

Reduce contact. Let her flip out about it. You’re not getting anything positive from her anyway.

This weeks instruction is to not message until Thursday (but she got my dad to text me this morning to pass a message on)

I am going to try and not bother texting on Thursday