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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I go back to work?

2 replies

AmIEnough · 21/06/2024 07:53

This is more of a "what would you do?" than "am I being unreasonable?" but I didn't really know where to post.

I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been with my husband for 12 years although we've only been married for two and a half. We sold our respective houses 5 1/2 years ago and pooled our resources and bought the home we live now with one of his twins sons and my 17-year-old DD.

For background as this is probably relevant, I have ADHD which is only recently been diagnosed and a number of autistic traits.

I have always been quite standoffish in terms of relationships. I'm not a tactile, lovey-dovey type person, I never have been and pretty sure I never will be now.

My husband has pulled me up on how I am many times in the past several of these occasions were before we moved in together , In spite of that he still pushed for us to move together and eventually we got married.

Anyway my behaviour is clearly upsetting him as he feels unloved which of course I understand. The problem is being touchy-feely just doesn't come naturally to me and I have to physically think about it in order to show him affection but unfortunately it doesn't often cross my mind to the point that he has very recently suggested that perhaps we need a trial separation which I'm devastated about, as although I find it difficult to show it, I really do love him. When we moved to our current house 5 1/2 years ago I gave up my very stressful sales job and have a cottage Ironing business which I've had for 17 years and ran alongside my proper job when I had it, but it really is pin money.

On the back of his declaration, I've done my usual thong which is to make a knee-jerk decision to go back to work.

I'm still going through titration for my ADHD and I'm also perimenopausal (age 54) so psychologically I'm in a bad place anyway.

I've applied for various jobs both part-time and full-time, managed to lineup three interviews one of them for which is a full-time job which I know will be very stressful in sales which is all I've ever really known. I absolutely do not want any of these jobs but I'm at a loss to know what todo.

My husband doesn't discuss anything. We are both confrontation shy and I don't really know how to raise the subject with him as I feel I need to talk this through before I make my mental health even worse by taking a job that is too stressful or that I hate and having to give up my Ironing business, which actually I quite like.

I've considered trying to build on the Ironing business but it's not an easy thing to do.

My concern is that I need regular income in case anything does happen which I can show to a mortgage company if I had to go down that road again. I need to know i'd be able to support myself and my daughter.

Any advice would be very welcome. Please be gentle

OP posts:
SpringKitten · 21/06/2024 08:40

Do you WANT to split up? If not then you are rushing around solving the wrong problem. A FT job is not the best answer in the short term while your health is questionable. A relationship fix is surely a better route - as the stress of splitting up, selling a home, moving AND starting a new job while your dd is presumably coming up to A levels sounds like hell to me.

Your dh request for a trial separation sounds like a cry for help. Unless you think there is a chance he has found an affair partner. I’m intrigued that you don’t mention sex once. Has sex life deteriorated too over the years?

Are you sure you dh cannot communicate, or is it that you don’t share similar styles of communication and don’t hear each other? If he has “pulled you up several times” over the years, that indicates he has tried to maintain a dialogue with you. How did you respond, not just then, but every week since? Do you regularly check in with him, to see how he is feeling… may I suggest YOU take this initiative - maybe both have an early morning walk together once a week, it’s an easy regular slot and many people find it much easier discussing emotions whilst on the move at 7am.

Tthis would be FAR less emotionally intense for both of you, than waiting until he is so miserable that he lands a massive drama on you?

You do know really what he needs. What’s stopping you from providing the comfort to him? You can, surely, attempt it again- even though it feels unnatural or a bit fake or pointless to you. Is it true that it “doesn’t cross your mind”? Or have you shut the physical contact down because you find it uncomfortable?

Perhaps due to your autistic traits, you aren’t noticing that he is upset, you aren’t considering him?

I can’t see why it’s hard to remember to give him a hug when he gets home from work, or hold his hand when you go for a walk or whatever.

You can imagine how that is received by him - it appears you don’t care about him.

My dh is also unaffectionate and not tactile and intermittently I still struggle with it. The whole point is I do not want to have to ask him or remind him to hug me, I don’t always want to be the one to initiate those moments of loving contact. I don’t want to have to set a six-monthly diary reminder to tell him again how much I’d like to have one night a month where we watch a movie snuggled up on the sofa. If I ask, he will often evade - tell me he is tired, tell me he planned to watch football, or tell me there’s nothing on Netflix worth watching.

I have learned that in reality there is no compromise - no matter how often I explain that it’s important to me, he won’t remember to do anything about it. And that feels like he does not care and it is very hurtful.

it feels very unfair that my dh gets away with ignoring my requests for very low-effort relationship maintenance like a hug or a quick “love you” at the end of a text message. Whereas I’m expected to “remember and accept” that his love language is different to mine. I have worked extremely hard to accept that his “I love you”/hug is buying me a new plant when the one I grew died. I don’t find it easy to accept that as a form of intimacy. I suspect your dh is in the same boat as me.

In my home growing up, food was my mum’s love language - she would provide lovely meals to show us she cared. But my dh doesn’t care a jot about that. He appreciates the house being tidy, clean and calm, and he appreciates not being confronted by emotionality demanding situations. In fact that is exactly how his parents’ marriage was - and I know they were unhappy and MIL suspected FIL was unfaithful but I think he was just emotionally unavailable.

So rather than rushing out to find a FT time job, I would be brave and tackle what is happening in your marriage. I strongly believe it is salvageable but if you won’t let it “cross your mind” to take some action - every day, for the rest of your married life - then sure. You’ll need that job pronto.

Original poster
AmIEnough · 22/06/2024 09:50

SpringKitten · 21/06/2024 08:40

Do you WANT to split up? If not then you are rushing around solving the wrong problem. A FT job is not the best answer in the short term while your health is questionable. A relationship fix is surely a better route - as the stress of splitting up, selling a home, moving AND starting a new job while your dd is presumably coming up to A levels sounds like hell to me.

Your dh request for a trial separation sounds like a cry for help. Unless you think there is a chance he has found an affair partner. I’m intrigued that you don’t mention sex once. Has sex life deteriorated too over the years?

Are you sure you dh cannot communicate, or is it that you don’t share similar styles of communication and don’t hear each other? If he has “pulled you up several times” over the years, that indicates he has tried to maintain a dialogue with you. How did you respond, not just then, but every week since? Do you regularly check in with him, to see how he is feeling… may I suggest YOU take this initiative - maybe both have an early morning walk together once a week, it’s an easy regular slot and many people find it much easier discussing emotions whilst on the move at 7am.

Tthis would be FAR less emotionally intense for both of you, than waiting until he is so miserable that he lands a massive drama on you?

You do know really what he needs. What’s stopping you from providing the comfort to him? You can, surely, attempt it again- even though it feels unnatural or a bit fake or pointless to you. Is it true that it “doesn’t cross your mind”? Or have you shut the physical contact down because you find it uncomfortable?

Perhaps due to your autistic traits, you aren’t noticing that he is upset, you aren’t considering him?

I can’t see why it’s hard to remember to give him a hug when he gets home from work, or hold his hand when you go for a walk or whatever.

You can imagine how that is received by him - it appears you don’t care about him.

My dh is also unaffectionate and not tactile and intermittently I still struggle with it. The whole point is I do not want to have to ask him or remind him to hug me, I don’t always want to be the one to initiate those moments of loving contact. I don’t want to have to set a six-monthly diary reminder to tell him again how much I’d like to have one night a month where we watch a movie snuggled up on the sofa. If I ask, he will often evade - tell me he is tired, tell me he planned to watch football, or tell me there’s nothing on Netflix worth watching.

I have learned that in reality there is no compromise - no matter how often I explain that it’s important to me, he won’t remember to do anything about it. And that feels like he does not care and it is very hurtful.

it feels very unfair that my dh gets away with ignoring my requests for very low-effort relationship maintenance like a hug or a quick “love you” at the end of a text message. Whereas I’m expected to “remember and accept” that his love language is different to mine. I have worked extremely hard to accept that his “I love you”/hug is buying me a new plant when the one I grew died. I don’t find it easy to accept that as a form of intimacy. I suspect your dh is in the same boat as me.

In my home growing up, food was my mum’s love language - she would provide lovely meals to show us she cared. But my dh doesn’t care a jot about that. He appreciates the house being tidy, clean and calm, and he appreciates not being confronted by emotionality demanding situations. In fact that is exactly how his parents’ marriage was - and I know they were unhappy and MIL suspected FIL was unfaithful but I think he was just emotionally unavailable.

So rather than rushing out to find a FT time job, I would be brave and tackle what is happening in your marriage. I strongly believe it is salvageable but if you won’t let it “cross your mind” to take some action - every day, for the rest of your married life - then sure. You’ll need that job pronto.

Wow! You absolutely understand and I really didn’t think anyone would. You are so right in everything you’re saying! I can see so many parallels in my relationship with what you go through and yes you’re absolutely right, It’s for me to try and do something about this and I will. I absolutely don’t want our marriage to fail and sometimes getting an outside perspective is so very helpful so I really want to thank you so much for taking the trouble to write your response in such a clear and understandable way.

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