To want to have some quality time with my husband?

[Sadhappiness]

My Dad died 2 months ago. He had an illness which we knew he would die from, but it wasn't expected that he would die this soon (he was only 70). My husband was great with taking on everything to do with the kids and giving me space to grieve in a practical sense. Three weeks ago we had my Dad's funeral and two days later my son got chicken pox. To add insult to injury, my husband is a teacher and was away on a residential for that week. I went back to work the week after that where I was starting a new job within the same company (not great timing). And then my daughter got chicken pox. I have still managed to work this week, with my Mum looking after my daughter and me working from her house.

For the past couple of weeks my in laws have been on holiday, and so now they're back my husband has asked if they could have our son for a night over the weekend (my two daughters are from my previous marriage and with their Dad this weekend). All fine, our son is having a sleepover with Nanna and Grandad tomorrow night.

As you can imagine, it's been a difficult couple of weeks for me with chicken pox (aside from grieving). A child-free night is the most incredible gift!

Our house is in disarray. We have three kids and I haven't been in the best head space lately to keep on top of things. Although, in truth, it's difficult to keep on top of normally with three kids and us both having full time jobs.

Anyway, as we have this childfree night, and given how difficult things have been lately, I was hopeful that my husband and I would maybe have a bit of time out. Nothing major, maybe do an escape room or something, followed by a decent night sleep and a lie in!

When I suggested this, his response was "oh, I just thought it was an opportunity to get on with housework while the kids weren't here". In theory, that's not unreasonable, but I have been really hurt by the fact that it didn't even occur to him that I might want a bit of time out, a bit of respite. When I spelled it out to him, he said we could go out, specifically that he was "willing" to do what I wanted. I know I'm probably being precious, but I suppose I would really like for my husband to want to spend some quality time with me, not just be willing to. When I explained how difficult things had been for me recently, he said he had revised his decision and he wanted to go out and do something "for me".

I probably am being a bitch, but ultimately I don't want him to do something "for me" or because he's "willing". I want him to actually want to spend time with me.

To be clear, I'm not proposing I spend the entire childfree time having fun. I want to get on top of the housework as much as he does. I just also want a bit of downtime with him too.

My frustration is exacerbated because, whenever it's a case of going out with friends it's never a case of "but there's housework to do", yet on a rare opportunity to have a very low key night out with me, housework takes priority in his mind. I suppose I just feel like I'm way down on the list - after friends, family and housework.

I apologise that this is very long. In summary, am I unreasonable for wishing my husband wanted to spend a few hours out with me when we have a rare opportunity?

I was actually hoping I'd be put in my place given this is AIBU, but I've had no responses.

I agree with you. Have you talked through how you feel?

Yanbu OP. And have a similar thing with my DH. How long have you been married?

Sometimes we just get so used to how things are. We take these things for granted or just accept that's how life is now.

I'm sure he does want to spend time with you too!

With love and affection, you're being unreasonable.

He's not a mindreader, and many people here would prefer to have a night to catch up in this situation. The minute you said you wanted to go out, he said yes. Don't get hung up on the words he used. Remember, this is incredibly difficult for you, but it is something he's dealing with too.

If you want to go out, go out and spend the time reconnecting. Let this miscommunication go.

Good advice from @JustTalkToThem

Thank you for the blunt message I probably need, but don't want to hear.

I do appreciate that he's going through the grief too, but in instances where my reaction has been a bit muted, he has said that it didn't occur to him that I would still be grieving and my Dad's death would still be a factor. In light of that, I suppose I assumed it's no longer a factor for him. But maybe that's a poor assumption.

If your DH hasn't lost someone, he doesn't know. But, he's still impacted by your reactions.

My DH could not work out why I did not want to put up a christmas tree. He was frustrated and sad and confused. I didn't realize why either. When he just started putting it up I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and eventually realized that it was my first christmas without my mom.

Even if he doesn't realise, even if you don't realise - and often you wont - all of you are impacted by grief. Be kind to one another, and take the time to reconnect.

I think your DH is showing his love for you the best way he knows how. He has been supportive and has asked his parents to have your DS overnight. He thought getting the housework done would make you feel better but quickly agreed to going out when you said you wanted to. I think you are getting yourself tangled in the words he has used and really his actions say more. Keep talking to each other and give yourself time to grieve.

You need to give each other some grace. This has just been a hellish time for your little family. Take what you can get and reconnect with your dh—that is the goal. Anyway you get there is ok even if the start is rocky.

Perhaps he thought that you’d feel better with the house in order and that you’d be doing it together. And that sorting the house was maybe a bit of a higher priority than going for a general night out. I very much doubt he even considered the difference between time together doing the housework and quality time.

Fortunately for him, he has no idea what you’re going through. As much as he loved your dad, he’s not going to have that intense, raw grief feeling that you’ll have. It’s inexperience, not a lack of care.