So unbelievably bored

[fannyschmeller]

Life is just such a massive slog at the moment. Everyday is the same - work, lunch, home, kids tea, bath time, bedtime, sit and watch shit on TV. Then it's the weekend where I'm tasked with trying to entertain two kids with a 9 year age gap which is nigh on impossible.
I keep thinking I'll try and do more in the evenings, go for a walk or go the gym or a class but the reality is there is no time left for anything. And if there was I'm usually so knackered I can't summon the energy for it.
I look forward to 'chilling' on a night but then I just feel frustrated, flat and bored. Dh has just put an utterly shit film on that I have no interest in and just feeling like my whole life is wasting away.
We have no childcare options so never even get the chance for a break. Maybe if we did I wouldn't feel so fucking fed up. Everyday is the exact same. I've fallen into unhealthy habits like having a glass of wine every night and eating shit food to at least give me some enjoyment through the mundanity but that's obviously not good for me either.

We got into a similar rut of the same routine of work and sorting children and then just sat in front of the TV all evening. We also have no family support. We have found a really lovely babysitter who put children lobe so we can have date nights and I have started to go the gym. I signed up with a pt and attend three classes a week. This works well as being booked in makes me go. I am really enjoying it and loving having something to positive to focus on which is about me and it means I'm not just sat in front of the TV every night.

I could have written that exact post, I know it will get better once the kids are older but it is mind numbing that everyday is on repeat,

We also try and ensure we have nice things planned for the weekend. We have a 6 year age gap between our eldest and middle child but now weather is nice it's easier. Can you and your partner/DH do something with one whilst you do something with the other?

Is there anything stopping you going out for one evening a week whilst DH does the evening and vice versa? My husband has an evening a week to go out with friends as do I, it really helps. You don’t need to both be there - having a break really is needed.

We do try and do this but dh isn't the most dynamic, he's quite happy pottering at home at the weekend but it's exhausting for me with an 11 year old and 2 year old who just have such wildly different needs.
I promised myself that when the nice weather came we'd have walks in the evening but in reality I get home at 5, sort tea for the kids, then have about an hour to do all the household stuff, then it's the little ones bedtime. After that I suppose I could go the gym or something but I feel obliged to sit with the older one. He often has clubs etc so isn't fussed about doing much.
I'm just so fed up. I was just watching videos of people at Stonehenge for summer solstice thinking how nice it must be to be part of something, out in the world. My life feels so confined to this house.
And I can see myself falling into the rut, actively looking forward to a glass of wine in front of the TV when the kids are in bed. But it's doing me no good at all.

I don't have that many friends anymore, we are all in similar boats with family and work commitments. I do see them occasionally but it's once in a blue moon.

So what’s stopping you going on a walk in nature or having an evening to yourself once a week? You don’t need to see friends on your one evening a week you could literally do anything!

Sounds like you're in a rut. Can you sign up for an evening class one night a week? DH could do the bedtime on his own one night and you could do the same for him?

Go out on your own. Let DH potter at home with the kids.

By spending a bit of time away from the house, not at work etc. You will start to naturally see things differently and be able to start making good changes. Take it slowly!

I agree sign up for something out of the house. Anything. Photography class, art, just get out.

You’re stuck in a rut and can’t see any way out as it feels like work and family life have taken over and you’ve got no time to yourself

You and DH have each other, which is a privilege not every parent has.

Why don’t you sit down and agree on an evening a week where you can both go out and do your own thing?

I think a lot of people make excuses but hate being in the rut, some of my friends always complain they have no time but can easily make the time for a few hours a week as their DH is at home who can easily man the fort for a few hours!

Go to a gym class, go for a walk, go shopping, whatever it is. Just one evening a week to yourself you’ll feel like a new woman.

Welcome to the rest of your life...

Not necessarily. Things often get better once you no longer have child care responsibilities. However that is not going to help the OP now. I agree with others . Can your OH look after the children one night a week whilst you go out ? X

Dh would and does look after the kids but I just feel like my options are limited. Lost touch with a lot of friends. They live away or have their own lives.
I could definitely go on walks or classes by myself but I'm struggling to get out of the rut. I'm tired. I'm picking up bad habits like eating and drinking too much. I know only I can change all of this. It's just a really tricky time right now.
My eldest is from another marriage so he is with his dad's family EOW but we literally have no free time away from the toddler. I feel like I don't do enough with the kids but that's a battle in itself as they both need such different things.
Sometimes I really do miss the freedom of being able to go where I like and do what I like whenever I like. I'm massively governed by my kids routines (aren't we all?) and my dh, although very accommodating, is old before his time and has no interest in doing stuff so it all falls to me to arrange. Which just feels like yet another chore.

You need to take it in turns to go out.

Same, I keep having this feeling like I want to start a new career. It then feels stupid but it keeps coming back to me and i'm just wasting my life anyway if I don't do something

He has literally no interest in going out. I could count on one hand the amount of times he's been out with friends in the last few years. He's just rubbish and making arrangements and doesn't seem bothered about doing stuff.
He's fine with me going out though and will always look after the kids.

It sounds as if maybe you should talk to your GP about your mental health. It sounds a bit like depression.

Having said that, it's very common for parents of toddlers to struggle and maybe just remembering that toddlerhood doesn't last for long might help you get through the days.

Maybe instead of feeling like you need to change your everyday routine (hard to do) you could talk to some of your friends who are in the same boat, and book in a few fun things over a few months?

I have a friend who occasionally goes "Aaaargh I'm so bored with my life! Who's coming shark wrestling/cheese rolling/to New York with me?" It kind of wakes the rest of us up a bit.

I think it's very easy to drift away from previous friends when everyone's busy with their lives. Have you tried making new friends through your kids? Toddler groups with your younger one could be a way to socialise a bit while looking after them. And if you invest in some friendships, in a year or two you might be at the stage where you can trade off sleepovers with the friends and have some free evenings (we've just reached this stage with my 4yo and it's great).

And in fact through some new parent friends I met in my DCs music class I now have a very wacky, niche and fun new hobby that I would never have imagined a year ago! People can enrich your life unexpectedly.

One issue is that you were probably getting a bit of your life back as your first child got older and then started everything again with a new baby.

Are you and your DH compatible? If he is happy to stay at home with the kids you need to get out, get a hobby etc

What is the new hobby?!

So you know you're stuck in a rut, and the only one that can change that is you

DH puts toddler to bed, say 3 nights a week. You could do 2 nights going for a walk, cycle or playing a board game with your eldest. The third night is for you to go to a yoga class, the gym, a swim, a walk, a run, a book club...whatever, just something that isnt shit tv

Batch cook at a weekend so you dont have to cook every night, or utilise a slow cooker

What are you doing at weekends? Time block it out so you all get to do a bit of what you like at the weekend, but also spend time together

I'm run 2 businesses, have 2 kids, 2 dogs, a horse and I run, and while its a constant juggle, you can have a full life and be a good mum

I agree with the pp that going back to toddler wrangling is very hard after such a long gap.

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but nothing is going to change unless you put the effort in op; something which feels virtually impossible for you atm; so is this really a question of you being in a rut, or, is the real question that you feel too depressed to change things? Maybe you need to talk to the gp?

From what you have written above, you have EOW when you “just” have the toddler, and although toddlers can be relentless, surely it would be possible for your dh to look after them one regular morning, afternoon or evening during that we, so that you could pursue an interest?

And I think you should go out with your dh once a fortnight too. You say you have no childcare help, but why not employ a baby-sitter? An energetic grandmother type who lives nearby? Ask for recommendations from everyone you know. Get talking to other parents at the school gate, at the local playground, ask on class WhatsApp etc. And just go for a drive or a walk or meal with your dh , maybe try exercising together, learn a new hobby together, and try and revitalise your relationship a bit?

Or is your relationship what lies at the bottom of all of this do you think? Is your dh’s passivity getting you down? If so, would counselling help?

Good luck with getting to grips with what is wrong precisely op and in taking some action dependent on your conclusions.

Myself and dh made a pact that 3 nights a week we wouldn’t watch tv, if we weren’t working we’d read, sit in the kitchen and chat or play a game of cards/ chess or scrabble. I’ve also started just reading and going to bed before ten. I’ll be honest we stick to it for a while then fall back then do it again etc but When you literally have seen nearly everything on Netflix it’s time to stop.

My mil and sil do online art classes once a week, they pick something off YouTube and follow it through, my other friend has gotten into crafting and I know tons of people who do jigsaws. I agree with the night out, see if you can find anyone you trust to help for one night and go to a comedy club or gig in a pub or something. Best of luck op, it’s so hard!