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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think my mum is being a bit unreasonable?

30 replies

OlderNotWiser · 08/04/2008 20:06

My DS1 is now 2 and a bit, and I have always found visisting my mums house a bit of a nightmare. It is cluttered and full of glass nick nacks, candles (lit!), vases, weedkiller/bleach etc in the extension, and just loads of things generally! I spend all my time chasing DS to make sure he doesnt get hold of something he shouldnt since it can be a bit dodgy. (She remains firmly on the sofa while I chase!) On one occasion when he was 18 months old my mum was in the kitchen with him preparing some food (I was elsewhere) and she left him alone, and DP walked in and had to take a knife off him. She then did the same thing again 10 mins later, DP chanced by (for obvious reasons) and removed knife from him again. Occasionally I can tell she has moved a couple of things out of his way ie to the back of a shelf, but normally everything is in reach...anyway, today she announced that she is no longer moving things out of the way when we visit and that 'he must learn not to touch'. Firstly, she has made so little effort to move stuff before that I am a bit taken aback by the comment, and secondly, is this a reasonable expectation of a 2 year old, and indeed of me given that presumably it will be me who has to police it (I now have a breastfed 4 month old too so timing is a bit crap quite frankly!)I guess its her house, but what do you all think?

OP posts:
Twiglett · 08/04/2008 20:08

my mum's the same

I told her she was a fucking idiot and moved her collection of china off the radiator covers then listened to her rant about how 'in her day 2 year olds blah blah'

"yes mother"

Troutpout · 08/04/2008 20:09

lol..i would invite her around to yours instead.

macdoodle · 08/04/2008 20:10

Don't go to her house SHE is BU - if she wants to see her GC she can come to you...not only does my MIL not have any ornaments etc withing child reach she has a a whole section of a room full of toys and things for my DD (and her other GC)...

liath · 08/04/2008 20:11

YANBU but the best of British luck expecting her to change if she's anything like my mum !

lljkk · 08/04/2008 20:13

I think the "Can't they just learn the meaning of No?" philosophy works with some child-adult-situation combos, and not with others.
Makes it very easy for some people to be smug about these things...
Personally I would just move my stuff anyway because I value my things (& children) too much to find out the hard way which kind of child-adult-situ combo is on hand.

Original poster
OlderNotWiser · 08/04/2008 20:13

She can't get to me easily since she has a bad leg so I end up feeling guilty and visiting her...even tho she is entitled to free transport form the local authority if only she would bloody register!(Too much effort needed!)

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 08/04/2008 20:13

My mother's got a playroom for my DCs - on that sort of scale I think YANBU

2GIRLS · 08/04/2008 20:15

This is my MIL. I spend so much time running after ds trying to save her bloody ornaments and nick nacks and CD racks. She has ornaments on the floor ffs.

I find it so much harder to say anything to her than if it was my owm mum, and she's a bit difficult anyway.
From now on if I have to run around I'm going to leave and say how stressful it is.
Not that I am invited much anyway...

DoodleToYou · 08/04/2008 20:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
OlderNotWiser · 08/04/2008 20:19

2GIRLS I know what you mean about not being able to say anything...sadly this is the case with my mum too. If challenged she either gets incredibly arsey (if Im lucky) or hysterical. She gets away with a lot because of this. Or perhaps Im just a wimp!

OP posts:
Ulysees · 08/04/2008 20:22

ONW feel for you. YANBU. Have you tried visiting without little one?

luckylady74 · 08/04/2008 20:24

white carpets and Lladro at my pil - oh and a garden that we're not allowed to play in - we either invite them to ours or meet at the country park near them and just go back for lunch. YANBU but it's quite normal!

kitbit · 08/04/2008 20:34

my step mother used to be like this. She is VERY houseproud and there are china knick knacks everywhere. She has a slightly different approach "oh don't worry, he can touch it" and "he'll learn not to eventually in the meantime don't worry".
Every time we go I do a sweep of the house and move everything breakable. Don't care. The one time she objected and said she didn't mind (me knowing full well there'd be hell to pay if something got broken ) I explained that it was't the ornaments I was worried about, but if ds dropped one and broke it there was a real chance of him hurting himself.
GRRRRRR

cazboldy · 08/04/2008 20:42

My mil was a bit like this. When I had 1, or even 2 dc it was kind of managable. When ds2 was 11 wks we stopped going to her house.
With her it was more about the dangerous stuff rather than the breakable stuff. I had a 4 year old a 19 month old and ds2, and we always used to go at the same time every week, but she just wouldn't make the effort, so I refused to go anymore.

Quite telling is the fact that she wouldn't make the effort to come to us either!

JoshandJamie · 08/04/2008 20:44

YANBU - I think I'd have a pretty frank discussion with her and say: either you can come to our house or you can either help put things out of reach of I'll do it when I arrive. It's got nothing to do with her stuff being broken (although that would be awkward) but more to do with your child's safety.

Nannypep · 08/04/2008 20:51

I'm a GP of 7, and look after 4 of them on a daily basis. I don't have a great number of precious objects, because my family are more precious to me than ornaments. If worried about damage, I'll move things.

We've made our garden one for the kids and family barbecues, with swings, rubber ground cover and a trampoline. If they didn't come over, we'd be so lonely. Ornaments can't compensate for the joy of having children around.

Houseproud? What's that??

Ripeberry · 08/04/2008 20:56

In my parents house it is the total opposite.
They are not houseproud and never have been.
But when i visit i spend most of my time cleaning up for them as they never vaccum the carpet or clean the floors and the dog hair is everywhere!
Also my mum has dementia and is incontinent so you can't really sit on any of the chairs..sorry if TMI.
But it's either i clear a space for them to play or i don't visit. She can't visit us as she can't stand being in a car for more than 15 mins at a time and we live over 100 miles away!

LBA · 08/04/2008 21:01

I think actually that neither of you are being unreasonable. I do recall that feeling of absolute horror that one of my kids were touching something they shouldn't and the panic, chasing them around the house etc.

But unless she looks after your ds on a regular basis I dont think you can expect her to remove/move every ornament. It is her house after all. The bleach yes..I agree but sometimes when you haven't had a little one around for such a long time you forget.

My ds was 7 when dd started pottering around, and I had totally forgotten how much things had to change. As soon as she was walking it was: buy no glass, do not leave the paracetamol around, do not leave my handbag around as my medication is in there, scissors and craft items, anything she could put in her mouth, cover plug sockets, push the kettle to the back of the worktop, turn the pan handles around, dont leave the needle and thread on the table, dont put a drink on the floor, the table or the fire surround,...oh the list is endless!

Elasticwoman · 08/04/2008 21:04

Once when visiting my p's, I was nattering wih my mum and no one else took any notice when our dds, then aged about 4 and 2 went out into the garden unsupervised. Suddenly I said "where are the girls?" and found them by the fish pond, dd2 standing at the edge absolutely dripping from head to toe. She had had total immersion, must have been in over her head.

It is so easy to drop your guard, OP, assuming that some one else will be keeping an eye.

stripeytiger · 08/04/2008 21:10

Nannypep, that's such a lovely post. You sound like the sort of granny my dear mum would have been if she was still around.

Cattymum · 08/04/2008 21:15

We just gave up visiting my mum, she leaves stanley knives, bottles of ink (ffs... who uses INK nowadays?) and has a huge junk antique display cabinet which is very top heavy and piled with rubbish.

Its just sad that my brother who lives 200 miles away feels he cant come up and visit coz she wont even make room for them to put their bags. he nicknames her house "life of Grime" after the TV programme! He doesnt want his DD round her house so my DCs rarely see their cousin

I used to clean for her before I had the kids, i wish she would get a cleaner but she "doesnt trust anyone else"

PuhPeng · 08/04/2008 21:18

I don't think you can really expect someone to alter how they live to suit your children. I don't blame you for feeling aggrieved, but I think you just have to stick it out until DS learns not to touch.

I do sympathise. My PILs house is full of really expensive antique crap. I keep dd on the tightest reign imaginable - I barely let go of her while we're there, and have to be supervising with 100% attention all the time. It's not remotely relaxing and I don't particularly relish the visits, but I also don't expect them to move their crap around to suit me.

It would be nice if FIL didn't leap up panic stricken every time DD got within 2 feet of anything breakable though .

bergentulip · 08/04/2008 21:20

Tricky one.
Some allowances should be made if someone is expecting a little one to come and stay, but I would not expect anyone to put all their ornaments/CDs/books/glassware away just because me and my little brats were popping over to visit.

But then, I live by the 'learn some things are just for grownups to play with' rule. We have nothing poisonous or truly harmful lying around, but we do still have vases within reach, and all books and cds etc within easy toddler reach. They tend not to move.

That said, your mother should know what it is like in your house generally, and then make an educated decision to put hero wn things away, because your children are quite likely to pick them up with little person interest.

Nannypep · 08/04/2008 21:22

Oh, Stripeytiger, where are you? so sorry you've lost your Mum. I love my grandchildren more maybe because I was an only child and had 3 of my own to compensate. very happy now to be surrounded by babies, toddlers and more grown-up school children. Every age has its delights. They enrich my life. xx

Want to join in?

sarahloumadam · 08/04/2008 21:28

Don't think YABU. I am paranoid first-time mum though and a general nightmare to be around where PFB is concerned!

Elastic re pond. My MIL has a pond, is going to be looking after PFB when I return to work and I am not sure how to address this but am v.worried about it especially as MIL is a bit scatty and, as you say, it only takes one minute for something to happen.

I am going now to rock in a corner and contemplate all manner of nasty household accidents .

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