Friend with controlling husband (maybe)

[Imtootired]

I am a single parent and have been single for a while so my mindset might be totally out of touch with relationships and compromise. I was out with a casual acquaintance the other day and she was saying she would like to work a certain day but her husband doesn’t want their kids in after school care so she doesn’t. In my mind I was wondering if it was a controlling situation, if she was a pushover or what was going on. She is a health professional. Another friend has three young kids and she was trying to keep an eye on all of them and someone suggested leads for them and she said she would but her husband doesn’t agree with them. I know it is up to other people how they run their families but would these situations be a cause for concern or normal? It’s a completely different reality from me so I have no idea.

Imo half the people who say this sort of shit are SOMETIMES using husbands as an excuse, rather than being bold enough to express their own opinion.

The other half are either wet dishrags or being controlled.

Yes it’s just awkward for me because I don’t really know what to say and whether I should say that you should do what you want to or whether that is interfering and causing problems.

In both situations I believed the ladies and they weren’t just making it up

I think you're overthinking it. Compromises are always being made in relationships.

The first one sounds controlling unless there is more to it that explains it’s a compromise.

The second one is difficult. Parenting choices should be joint. My DH and I agree on most things. However, sometimes we disagree or one of us doesn’t mind either way so we go with whoever feels most strongly about it. Works out even in the end.

I think it's hard to grasp the dynamics of other people's relationships unless they've really confided in you about abusive behaviour. I have friends (male and female) who seem to need 'permission' from their partners to go out without them. I wonder occasionally how true this is and whether some people actually like the thought of another person calling the shots in this way.
In your two examples, I guess it COULD be the case that the restrictions come from fairly normal decisions made as a partnership.

In a partnership no one gets their own way all the time. Healthy compromise is agreed to, particularly about parenting.

The no after school care is a perfect example of an okay arrangement.

The child on reins is not so straight forward to me. If the carer parent needs to control the child for it's own safety - that should trump the opinion of another parent who is not there.

The first one does seem like a bit of a pushover and the husband seems much more dominant. The second one is quite independent and I would think their relationship is pretty give and take seeing as she goes out for different events sometimes and he stays home with the kids.

Yes, it's like those people who say 'I HAD to have a giant church wedding with 200 guests and a meringue frock and a marquee and speeches, because my parents would have been heartbroken had I just gone down to the register office with two witnesses, the way I really, really wanted.'

OP, if you genuinely think this woman is somehow labouring under the delusion that husbands are there to be obeyed on toddler reins or childcare, bring it up with her. Say 'Have you noticed how you keep saying you can't do something because Mr Prick says no? It's really concerning me' and go on from there.

That’s why I’m posting - I’m worried if I said that I would open a whole can of worms

There's no real basis to make a judgement from what you've written, but surely if the husband is that controlling she wouldn't be talking to you about it

I think people are too quick to label everything. Not feeling so good today, depression. Someone posted a selfie, narcissm. etc. etc. The reality of life is that nobody has 100% healthy behaviour all the time.

Why don't you talk to your acquaintance a bit more and find out if she's happy or not.

What do you mean? If you suspect your friend (or is it two different women?) is in a relationship where she's being controlled, surely it's a can of worms that needs opening?

Two different casual friends, who I both see in different groups and don’t talk one on one with often.

Yes if she is being controlled then it is worth bringing up. I guess next time she says something like that I will ask more questions and keep the conversation going.

The second one with the reins I don’t really think is being controlled because she seems like such an independent spirit, but the first lady I mentioned definitely seems like she could be bossed around. A lot of things she has said about where they are living and other lifestyle choices seem like they were up to him.