Do abusive men change?

[sunspree]

I was in a very abusive relationship with my dc dad.
He had anger issues, control issues and was violent and aggressive.
It wasn't ever great but ramped up during pregnancy and pre-birth so I left him.
He then met someone else and seems to be completely different, he treats her well and if anything she seems to wear the trousers in their relationship.
She doesn't believe me about any of the things that occurred in our relationship and genuinely believes I'm a liar, not that I've told her but she's heard what I've "accused him of"
They have a child together now and seem very happy and I don't recognise the man I was once scared of.
It used to upset me that nobody believes me but I'm happy now, married to a lovely man and the past is the past.
I just wonder why I saw this side to him that even his partner denies he's capable of but this makes me wonder if abusive men are able to change if they want to?

No they do not

Your ex's new mrs cannot bring herself to admit that she'd shack up and have babies with such a nasty character, so its easier for her to call you a liar

I'd lay money that behind closed doors she's alot more timid than she makes out in public, and he's alot more like the man you knew

Also when someone protests too much, as she is, they're usually covering something up

Possibly, because he knows that the current partner would walk at the first sign of any abuse?

This comment made me feel a bit uneasy or victim blaming to OP a bit?

It didn't end well for him last time so perhaps he's learnt how to behave but it's unlikely his values have changed and he suddenly respects women.

No they don't change, they may exhibit different behaviour with different people but it's designed to manipulate and get their own way.
They're still abusive they just learn different tactics.

They never change just get better at hiding their true characters

If they want to. It’s a BIG if.

You've no idea what their relationship is like, she's only calling you a liar and siding with him because she's standing by her man, I bet she knows exactly what he's capable of but wants you to think he's happy now he's with her and wasn't with you and he goes along with that because it makes you look the problem.
Just be grateful he's her problem now and you've found someone nice and are probably living the life she superficially portrays.
And no, very seldom does a leopard change its spots.

Also if he's actually changed into a decent human being he'd be deeply embarrassed and own up and be remorseful about how he treated the mother of his child.
But no, so no.

In the extreme cases, no they absolutely do not. There are people who are malicious and intentional. I experienced this today with my ex-husband who lives for conflict. If he turned the corner then he would have to accept I left him and why - and he will never do that because it is the end of control.

Move forward, don't look back or take back.

Having been in a similar situation don't make enemies with the new partner.
Your children are siblings and no doubt one day she will see him for what he is if she hasn't already and the children will too and you will know what she's been through despite what she says now which could be a cover up.
He wants you and her against each other so never let him achieve that, see her as a victim too.

Dunno ... I deserve 'victim blaming' in that my own issues led me to be a suitable victim to abusive husbands. One of them, I am sure, changed very little. I don't know whether he's still married but, last time I saw his wife, she reflected my own exasperated eye-rolling at his self-aggrandisement. The other married a woman with much stronger boundaries than mine. I know she refused to let him walk all over her and is well-situated to leave at any time.

I imagine they both carried on being unfaithful, though. Some women are more willing than I to turn a blind eye.

Narcissists and abusers don't change, they get better at hiding it, for longer, but it's still always there.

I've known my ex for 26 years since we were teenagers, I've not been with him for 7 years, he's never changed.

I don't think so

My dad was verbally abusive to my mum. He doesn't seem to be to my step mum. However in conversations I can feel him bullying me to some extent. I can't describe it but it makes me hold him at arms length though.

He then met someone else and seems to be completely different, he treats her well and if anything she seems to wear the trousers in their relationship

You don't see what goes on behind closed doors, though.

People thought I 'wore the trousers' in my previous relationship (and in some ways, I think I probably did) but in actual fact I endured three years of serious abuse and violence.

My ex died a few years ago and when he did, there were dozens and dozens of tributes to him on social media, including lots from women, saying what a lovely man he was. And sure, he would have seemed like a lovely man to them, I'm sure, because they weren't there when he was hitting me, accusing me of sleeping with my own brother, smashing up the flat, emptying my bank account, threatening to torture my pets to death, threatening to burn down my parents' house, etc.

I was actually kind of in the reverse of your situation, because when I was with my ex, he was (and remained until his death) really friendly with his ex-wife, the mother of his child. She was incredibly nice and absolutely lovely to me and I liked her and her family a lot; it was literally never awkward and honestly some of the nicest things I remember about that relationship were the times we were invited to things like family barbecues etc at her and her husband's house. I used to wonder, every single time, why the hell my ex was abusive to me when he obviously hadn't been like that to his former wife - if he'd abused her like he abused me, surely they wouldn't have stayed friendly? I genuinely thought he'd changed between being with her and being with me.

Subsequently, I found out that he had been violent towards her too. His son, who I loved, once let slip that he remembered seeing violent fights between his parents when he was little, and I also found out that my ex had treated her like shit while she was pregnant. When she went into labour he drove her to the hospital, dropped her off on the doorstep and then drove off to the other end f the country to spend the weekend surfing, without telling her where he was going.

So, basically, you just don't know what's going on in people's relationships, and I doubt your ex has changed one bit.

Abusive men tailor themselves to their audience - which is why no-one believes you. They won't have seen that side of him. Abusive men can usually pass themselves off as pleasant and generous and reasonable in their work lives, for instance. It will come out, at some point, with her - by then she will be in so deep... Just be glad you got out, and get to live your good life.

Some of them might, I expect it will depend on how deeply entrenched the behaviour is?

Probably not a popular perspective on here but yes, I believe people can change. They need to want to. I don't like the idea that we are stuck in patterns of behaviour for all time, that if we behave horribly to one partner we are destined to be the same in every relationship. Surely all humans have the capacity to grow and learn.

I know many abusive men choose not to but I don't think that has to be the case every single time.

I think it's possible (ie: not IMpossible) he has learned from his mistakes and is nice now.

If he allows his partner to believe you are a liar rather than fess up though that's a red flag tbh. I'd expect for someone's behaviour to improve they'd need to confront how they were in the past and why they behaved that way. As others say you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I don't think so.

They might go through phases in their lives where their abusive tendencies lie more dormant - it might be too risky to be abusive if the person isn't vulnerable enough or they might be stabilised by other factors.

A bit like serial killers - they are known to not always kill, sometimes not for several years.

A bit like serial killers - they are known to not always kill, sometimes not for several years
Once they get a taste for it ...
Experience has taught me that if someone has enough leverage to exploit me then they probably will.

I am afraid they don’t change. And, if she hasn’t already, she will one day find this out - sadly.

An abusive man cannot change by himself. He needs ongoing therapy.

How long has he been with current partner?

This is what Lundy Bancroft says:

"Abuser programs can’t work magic. For an abuser to make lasting changes, he has to work on himself very hard, and he has to completely stop blaming women for his behavior. He has to stay in an abuser program far longer than the minimum time that the program lasts; something more like 18-24 months, not 3-6 months. And it’s very hard to get an abuser to stay in a program that long, because deep down he blames his partners, current and past, for everything he does."

And if he is serious about it, here's what's ahead of him:

Guide for Men Who Are Serious About Changing – Part 1

Guide for Men Who Are Serious About Changing – Part 2

My ex seems to have changed in his new relationship (with the violence, not the cheating).

That said I was a teen and him in his 30s when we got together, and his new wife was an adult when they got together, so the dynamics are totally different.

She fully believes I'm a liar blah blah blah, and he's playing doting stepdad to her kids, while ignoring his own.

Spent years feeling angry about it, but they are welcome to each other, she thinks she has a prize of a man, I have to pity her really.

I have a now deceased relative who fought in ww2 and his kids later realized he probably had PTSD but they didn't know about that at the time.
Once he stopped drinking his behavior improved and he was always thought of as a kind, good natured man. I don't know what happened or if it would be considered abuse, but his wife left until he stopped drinking and they never had problems after. So, depends on the circumstances I guess.

Some men are very good actors but have a dark side that's only shown to a select few. This reminds me of a poster here who had a very violent rape by a co-worker who was thought of as a saint by the rest of the company. People like this might be psychopaths.