I feel like I can't go on

[CrawlingFromShitshowToAfterglow]

I'm not sure what I want from this thread, but I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD privately. For me it manifests as procrastination, everything feeling overwhelming, not being able to focus and not understanding what people are saying in work meetings and ignoring things that are too difficult until they build up. I'm spending a lot of my time with brain fog. I'm also eating sugar by the bucket loads just to keep going, which makes things worse and I end up get the high and lows of sugar binges.

I am in my 40s so it could be peri menopause too, but I have had this since I was a teen. I have somehow managed to mask it over the years. I did well at uni and at subsequent jobs. But as I've got older and had children, it has been more difficult to deal with.

I also suffer from depression and have done as a child too. I think about ending my life, but never have tried to. I just feel things would be so much better without me around. Yesterday I wondered what would happen if I threw myself off a bridge I was passing. But I couldn't do that to my children - especially my SEN child. I am their biggest advocate and couldn't leave them without a mother.

My husband is a lovely man, but his personality has changed considerably since his stroke. He has become quite detached and not very affectionate. He understands my problems, but can't talk to me about how to help me and expects me just to get on with it.

I think I'm seen in work meetings as thick and people talk over me or don't give me a chance to speak. Yesterday, I had a warning at work about my output. I just can't seem to focus.

For the first time in my life, I'm considering antidepressants or ADHD meds. My mum took antidepressants when I was a teen and it turned her into a horrible person while she was on them. And I'm scared that'll happen to me. I don't have the capacity to keep trying until I find one that works for me, but then I don't know what the answer is.

I know it's not one size fits all but has anybody taken meds to tackle the symptoms I've described? If so, what worked? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated as I don't know what to do and I can't understand how I've ended up failing at life so badly.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for such a long post.

Hi, don’t suffer in silence! Do get to the doctor’s. They will be best to advise on medication and are likely to do some hormone tests to see whether you’re menopausal. AdHD or no, a lot of women feel down in the dumps in their 40s. Your reaction to medication is highly unlikely to be exactly the same as your mother’s.

As for your husband, I think some men mirror their partner’s mood rather than ‘generate’ a new, more upbeat mood for the family.

As for your work, a warning is a sign you need to have a bit of a shake up in your life! Time for you to think about you. A new hobby? Get fit? New qualification?

Brain fog is common in perimenopause. Are you taking any vitamin supplements? Health and Her is a pretty good site for general advice regarding this.

Pop to see your GP, antidepressants are ok you just need to find the right one. My sister is on them and has found them helpful.

If your husband has had a stroke this will affect his ability to interpret and respond to you and difficult situations. It’s not his fault.

Can you go back to the psychiatrist who did your diagnosis assessment?

I was diagnosed in my 40s and eventually decided to try medication. It has helped me enormously: definitely with focus, but also with depression and anxiety. My sleep is still crap but I can cope with it better. I don't rely on sugar/caffeine like I used to. I get overwhelmed a lot less too.

Medication of course is a hugely personal decision best explored with your psychiatrist and/or GP as it's not an easy answer. It was the right decision for me and my mental health has significantly improved since.

Please be kind to yourself. You have a lot on your plate and you've dealt with it whilst having a brain that doesn't always make it easy. Part of my improved perspective is that I spent A LOT of time beating myself up.

I have fibro so have brain fog. I have anxiety and depression. I too mainline sugar and procrastinate on an Olympic level!
I take fluoxetine. I really really wish I had tried medication years ago. I’m still me but calmer and more able to make good choices. My depression is under control and I don’t feel so easily overwhelmed.
It can take a while to find the right meds. I also did CBT and use the techniques. I use mindfulness and exercise outside too. Good luck.

Yes I take ADHD meds and they help hugely. A lot of what you're describing sounds like me. I was diagnosed late in life and and been taking meds for about 3 years - game changer at work. It doesn't solve all my issues but it definitely helps with some, so do ask about trying different types. There'll be one that works for you.
And antidepressants? Depression goes with the territory. It's worth looking at what can help - I take them and they help keep an even keel (mostly).
You're at an age where your hormones are starting to fluctuate hugely and that definitely affects those with ADHD quite hard - there's no shame in taking medication that can help you feel better.
I've done things at work that I never would have thought I was capable of - for one thing you could apply for work coaching via Access to Work. I've had two sets of 12 sessions with my work coach - I absolutely love her.
Good luck OP, I hope things get better.

Oh and the sugar thing - ADHDers are vulnerable to addiction- our brains seek out stimulation wherever we can get it and sugar is an easy win. It's a slippery slope - I love sweets but I find recently that if I have one or two I will turn into a crazed sugar seeking monster and will eat everything sugary in sight and go out and buy more. And previously it was alcohol and THAT was very bad indeed. I don't drink at all now!

It's hard I know but it's best to avoid sugar if possible! Think of it like crack - which it kind of is for me 😂

What is the Access to Work work coach? Am in a similar position. Solidarity OP. It does feel like you've burnt yourself out doesn't it? Take it as a sign to focus on you.

This is the ATW link

www.gov.uk/access-to-work

I am early 40s, ADHD and in menopause. I totally understand everything you've explained. The first thing that stands out is fixing your diet. Shit in = shit out and while you're binging on rubbish you're going to find it hard to break the cycle. Can you change jobs? Would it be doable to move to something with less stress on you, a job that you could feel some satisfaction from?

You have a lot going on here, don't put too much pressure on yourself. With the things you describe, a lot of people would struggle with 1 of them never mind all of them 💐

I’m at the beginning of this journey after a lifetime of suffering. I’m going to be starting the meds in a few months, once I’ve had the required health checks. It’s difficult because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a fuck up which has led to multiple suicide attempts, and now I’m having to make some mental readjustments. I’m not perimenopausal but I have PMDD which is similar in many ways.

I listened to an interesting podcast on hormones and ADHD recently https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/adhd-experts-podcast/id668174671?i=1000640419253 which discusses how fluctuations and perimenopause affect ADHD symptoms. You might find it helpful.

You/we are not failing at life. The fact that we are where we are despite the enormous ball and chain that is ADHD is actually a sign of great strength.

I just want to thank all of you who have responded and shown kindness. I feel better knowing I'm not alone and that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel that's not a train about to knock me down.

I will look into meds and the Access to Work. I can't change jobs because in my field, there is nothing out there at the moment and I can't afford to take a pay cut. And will a job change help my brain to process information? All that adds to everything feeling so bleak.

I do need to stop eating the crap. I don't even enjoy it most of the time - it's the addiction type craving that won't stop. Sometimes it feels like self-sabotage if that makes sense. If I don't have chocolate, biscuits or ice cream in the house, I'll drive to the shops to specifically get it and then gorge on it. I gave up alcohol years ago. If I still drank, that would probably be an addiction that I'd be spiralling out of control with.

I'll go and speak to my GP about HRT. I did try last year, but was told I wasn't old enough and did I want antidepressants instead (I declined). I'm in my 40s. Those who have mentioned ADHD meds or antidepressants, are there any particular ones that have helped?

I've found that the adhd meds and the improvement in my mental health as a result have really got a handle on the anxiety and depression. It's not changed my personality - effectively just made living easier. Also knowing what I'm likely to find harder allows me to accept that I'm not crap/useless/pathetic. I can build in time to recharge after things that will drain me. And not feel guilty about it.

I've also stopped binge eating. (Sugar gives a dopamine rush - so again don't beat yourself up for giving your brain is telling you what it needs/not having the impulse control that non ADHD people might have...)

The med choice will depend on what your psychiatrist recommends - it's very dependent on your own circumstances. They are usually stimulants - typically various different types of amphetamines. This is why many ADHDers self medicate with vast quantities of caffeine.

Hi there. I didn't want to read and run, and hopefully I'll have time to come back and leave something constructive! I just wanted to share that I really relate to what you are saying (adhd, struggle with focus and SEN child) and it's flipping tough. I'll be back, hopefully!