To think some people really get a kick out of the authority they have over kids?

[YaWeeFurryBastard]

Recently at a table into a restaurant next to a group of 6 adults, parents and presumably auntie/uncle and grandparents and a little girl of about 5 who sat nicely for about an hour colouring in while the adults chatted. Towards the end the little girl spots a chocolate cake at another table and asks her dad if she can have one, dad says no (fair enough) and little girl starts whining. Dad then proceeds to go on a long and extremely loud, combined with looking round to see who’s listening rant about the list of privileges he’s going to remove if she asks again, culminating in the little girl having no tv all weekend.

Now obviously that’s shitty parenting, but it got me thinking about my childhood and how my parents seemed to love dishing out arbitrary sanctions over very minor offences, almost like a power trip.

I’ve also noticed it on here along the lines of “mine wouldn’t dare speak to me like that” “I’d come down on him like a tonne of bricks” and grounding/removing of phones for unrelated reasons.

Personally I’d have just given the kid a chocolate cake, barring any dietary issues, but maybe I’m too soft 😀.

Has anyone else noticed this/knows what I mean?

I can’t really say for sure as I only really heard the conversation when shouty man started performance parenting for all to hear combined with looking round to see who’d clocked his wonderful parenting 🙄. I certainly hope one of the other adults did at some point.

I'd be disappointed if I couldn't have a piece of delicious-looking chocolate cake that I fancied, and I'm many multiples of 5 years old.

Granted, for me it would be because the shop/cafe had sold out or closed or it was too expensive or similar, rather than being denied it by an adult looking after me; but if human disappointment is hard to deal with when you've had decades to learn how to control your feelings and emotions, why do we expect it to be somehow less disappointing for a little child - or, worse, for them to be able to mask their disappointment in order to spare the feelings of adults?

Mostly agree but this is also quite idealistic. You can't imagine birthing a child and shouting at them?

Most people have been frustrated or cross at their child at some point in their life and it doesn't mean they don't love them.

Your child asking you for the 1000th time if they can have an ice cream or a LOL Surprise magazine is bloody annoying.

I agree, but how many parents take the time to explain to their child in a simple, age-appropriate way WHY the answer is NO? You're just making a rod for your own back - and frustrating both your child and yourself - if you only say No with no context for the child to learn and understand from. I'm not saying that they won't keep asking again, but without giving them any background at all, how will they ever make sense of it?

Mostly agree but this is also quite idealistic. You can't imagine birthing a child and shouting at them?

I'm mainly talking about the parents who only ever shout at their kids, even when they aren't being remotely naughty - often expecting them to be mind-readers as to what their parent wants them to do.

Of course you have to raise your voice to children and be firm with them as part of discipline and basic parenting, and it is age-dependent - but I still don't think that parents should ever scream at little ones.

There has to be a sensible middle-ground between letting your kids run feral and doing whatever harmful and destructive things that they want to all the time and being the person who apparently exists to stop them from ever having any fun or enjoyment in their young lives.

In one hand if they have into chocolate cake then what was next?
However she has been very well behaved for the hour.

Some parents do get off on power trips, I've just finished listening to Britney Spears aidiobook on borrowbox (library) her conservatorship, shows how toxic a parent can be

I worry I might be a bit over the top but I think so many parents are just not parenting. They are afraid of their own child. We have screen time limits and restrictions around online gaming and don't let our 10 year old play 18 games and we are massively in the minority among his friends. I would have let him have cake but if, for some reason, I was saying no I would tell him off for whining, if it went on for a while. There wouldn’t be a punishment.
I’ve seen parents laugh off attacking other kids, hurting animals, swearing just seems like they can’t be arsed.

No I just hate the narrative on here about children today being somehow worse than children of years gone by. Children have always asked for things like cake, children have always had a little whinge when they can’t get it, this isn’t some new phenomena.

No, I wouldn't have shouted at my kids at 5 years old if they'd sat quietly for an hour while I'd chatted and then acted disappointed at not being allowed a chocolate cake they could see in front of them. Neither would I have issued a weekend long punishment. I'd have probably allowed them the pudding or if not I wouldn't have over reacted hugely at a disappointed 5 year old who'd behaved so well at the meal.
My youngest is 17 now and funnily enough they are neither feral nor entitled.

I saw just this the other day with a dad in a shop with a child, he was so clearly used to bossing the child around in a very strong way, and spoke about his wife 'woman, get me this' (she wasn't there) and so the little boy was copying him, then he realised he was in public, the dad and started behaving nicer and less overtly authoritarian. I just felt sorry for his wife and child, fancy imagining this prick was better than you and had to be pleased just to be able to live your life.

I stared at him quite openly, and he changed what he was saying, to look like a 'good dad' so he clearly knows that he's created a situation in which he's the boss at home and not in a good way. Horrible man, I hope his wife leaves him and the child gets to grow up without bullying.

This is awful and can have a really negative impact. I vividly remember being about 3 or 4 and being at a family picnic. There was one piece of chocolate cake left so I took it. My dad had a massive go at me for not asking if anyone wanted it before I took it. It was really unnecessary as I was so young and it stayed with me for years and years. I didn’t ask for last of anything for years because I felt so guilty! My dad was a horrible parent by the way - we have bee nc for years for many reasons but it’s sad that one of my earliest memories is this.

Exactly this. We tend to hold kids to a much higher standard than adults who actually have the ability to self regulate.

its ridiculous really. They are not mini adults. I think she did well to sit there for an hour colouring why they chatted amongst themselves.

Whilst I agree generally, this was also just a single snapshot of life, with no idea what is behind it.

I snapped recently at my children causing mess. As a snapshot, did I sound OTT - almost certainly. In reality, I'd been asking them daily for a week to tidy, they still hadn't, it got crucial (guests coming), so I took time off work to sort, and the following day they chucked bits of paper everywhere and left glitter glue tubes open on the floor, standing on them, shooting glitter glue everywhere....

Perhaps he was just being mean. Perhaps she's going through a very difficult phase, and he's just reached the end of his tether that second. So I'm not going to judge, though I proudly would have just given her the cake too!

Imo , it may have been the cake itself that was the issue. Some people ( especially older adults) are of the ' no pudding if you didn't eat your main ' camp. Wheras now people tend to allocate treats as being part of the meal . Obviously, I can understand not ordering more food in a restaurant, if it won't get eaten .

Is it called “performance parenting “?
I used to go out with a guy like this his kids were terrified of him they had to ask permission for everything turn on tv allowed to watch this ,never ate snacks or had treats sad really

I think performance parenting is when you’re doing it for the benefit of the “audience” or at least hoping they notice. The style of parenting I’ve mentioned isn’t always performance-y but I’ve found these authoritarian types seem to love it when others are watching and are very proud of their parenting “style”.

Love your dh for this. Some wonderful teachers out there and some total spineless bullies with no integrity too. Imagine him working with just adults and behaving like that!

I don't think I've ever denied any of my kids cake, now they're not particularly bothered about it

Personally I’d have just given the kid a chocolate cake, barring any dietary issues, but maybe I’m too soft 😀

Surely it depends on the circumstances though? Maybe the little girl had already eaten her body-weight in sweets that day, and the dad didn't want her to have any more sugar? Although I agree that he should have explained this to her, rather than punishing her. But at the same time, perhaps she'd been whiny all day, and this was the final straw - after all, you are only seeing a snapshot of his parenting.

One thing I do know is that giving in to whiny kids is never a good idea - all they have learned is that whining will get you what you want. As a cub leader, I have come across plenty of kids like this, and it does get very annoying when you are trying to run an activity, and you get some kids who will whine or sulk because they don't get what they want (play a certain game, have the red pen first etc). It can actually be quite disruptive.

Nothing wrong with saying no to something and whinging is annoying as fuck but the last thing needed is for the adult to whip up the situation into a drama like that. Honestly I think there are a minority of parents who enjoy the drama with discipline.

I remember getting a spanking aged about 7 or 8 for (I think) kicking another child's ball at the park... At least I think that's what it was for, I never quite knew for certain. Honestly, some of the "parenting" I was subjected to between the ages of about 7 and 11 was utterly bizarre, and looking back now, massively over the top.

This parent was clearly an arse about it, but it's OK to say no sometimes. Just giving them the cake or whatever they ask for every time isn't great parenting either.

Been disappointed about not getting cake is also perfectly normal, and I would initially empathise with that disappointment, and explained why the answer was no (eg. Had a lot of sugar that day, don't have time before train home). By the 4-5 time asking for the cake, my kids would be getting a stern "you've had you answer, it's time to accept it and stop asking".