AIBU to try and find a love rat on a dating site.

[Slatkater]

Long story short a very good friend of decades has been sucked in by a narcissistic bastard she met on a dating site. He is abusive and a text book narcissist. He has broken her and she believes everything he says no matter how ridiculous. She has lost her mind. I can’t give too many details because it would be very identifiable but trust me he is bad news and I am very worried for her.

I believe he is still on dating sites (possibly one’s that are for widows), I want to find him but after signing up to couple I realise it’s a long winded process. Is there an easy way to find people on dating sites, like a Right Move for dating that has everything in one place?

Any suggestions gratefully received.

''I have spent many hours listening to her and witnessing her distress when he is in the “Devalue, Discard & Hoovering” phases in the narcissistic cycle.''

This is how we get dragged into an abusive relationship that we haven't consented to. Our friends become completely self centred and the centre of attention in a very unhealthy way, and our needs come last.
At some point we have to ask if we are helping or enabling them. Its ok to recognise that this is not your relationship, to back off, and to meet your own needs. You can place limits on how often you find yourself listening to the same complaint, or offering the same advice (only to have her disregard everything you have said.)

Many ways of doing this...

-Find an excerpt of of text from his original profile and look for that.
-Reverse image search on his profile picture (ask her for a pic of him or steal one from her FB maybe?)
-Join up to dating sites as you've suggested and narrow the parameters to what she has described him as - i.e. 28-30, m, 5'8'-5'10, drinks (if you know he does)... and your search radius to within say 3 miles of where you know he lives. He may cast his net wide, but he still has to put his postcode as his own house... so you can search for where he lives.
-Linkedin? If you have a name or profession you can narrow down the search even further.

There are also apps that you can use his picture and find out other pictures of the same person. I.e. upload one and the software will do a facial recognition (eye distance, nose size etc) and find images online with those same extrapolations. I did this for my mum when she was using OLD (actually found the original profile her scammer had stolen his pictures from!).

Cheats etc tend to use the big sites (wide net), so just type in the biggest 3 dating sites and he's bound to be on one, if not all.