Dh and new job

[Unsure8883]

I am probably being unreasonable here but I'd appreciate some external advice

Dh currently works in a shift based roles (earlies/lates/nights etc) has done ever since we have been together and it's always worked although nights can be stressful for all

Due to the nature of his work the majority of the childcare had fallen to me (ie nursery runs/school runs etc)

I also work full time, usual office hours with some travel required which I have always had to work around DH's shifts and time off (he gets a lot of time off with his current shift pattern) so we've made it work

My travel can involve some over night stays (3 or 4 a year at most)

Dh has been offered and accepted a new job which takes him off the majority of his shift work etc but is now permanently earlies so all nursery and school runs will be my responsibility. He'll be around more for pick ups etc.

However when I asked if he has the option of working from home on the odd occasion to drop kids off if I have to do an overnight stay his answer was no, you'll have to just not go or come back at night as I can't help you anymore

I get he hasn't quite started the new job yet so doesn't know all the details (it's with the same company and he knows the person he is taking over from so knows what the role entails etc) but his point blank attitude of my role now has to potentially suffer is a bit disheartening

No other family support around to help really

"I can't help you anymore"

I'd be telling him straight that him doing a school run is not "helping you" it's being a parent - doing things for your children.

He is changing his job that currently works ish with yours, for something else he wants to do. He doesn't then get to decide that you can no longer do aspects of your job that you already do!

Tell him you will need to pay for childcare from joint funds to cover those impossible childcare times when NEITHER OF YOU is available . His work pattern is not more important than yours.

Trying to think practically, how early are the earlies, can you use wrap around care?

Ultimately though his job doesn't get to trump yours and he needs to parent his children. Not 'help you'.

"I can't help you anymore"

It's not helping you. They're his kids.

He took a job on the assumption you would carry on doing majority of childcare etc but views it as he's done enough for you and you should be grateful.
I don't know what to suggest other than he's a selfish twit.

Instead of this turning into the usual man bashing thread, have you and he actually considered other solutions? You have to work away sometimes, his idea that you don't isn't practical (or could you compromise?). He says he can't work from home if you're away (could he?) You're both being (un)reasonable, depending on your viewpoint.
What are your childcare arrangements now if you're away for work when he's on shift? Why won't that work going forward?

Aside from this, you clearly have a problem with him working shifts, and it seems you'll have a problem with him doing a lot less shift work. Why are the hours he works such an issue? My guess is the mental and practical load falls to you, and his working hours aren't really the issue at all. That has nothing to do with his working hours. If he did 9-5 weekdays, would you still feel the same?
Maybe something to think about while considering what would work best for your family.

Also, as a shift worker, I resent the implication often seen on MN that it means the other parent picks up the mental load, housework, childcare/pick ups/drop offs, etc. That certainly isn't the case in our household. In fact, I believe it often offers more time for family and other things than if I worked conventional hours.

Hmm, does he usually see you as the default parent and does he view parenting as doing you a favour?

If you're only away 3 or 4 times a year, if it's just one or two days can he just take some annual leave or half days so that he can do the school runs etc?

If he would have sat with you and discussed it first what would your answer have been? Having a DH who has previously done these shifts I'd have been delighted with the shift to perm earlies, always around for pick ups so you're only doing 50/50 schools runs (although even ok the 3 shift pattern it should probably always have been 50/50 school runs). What have you previously done when nights away have fallen on his night shift or early shift?