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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Communication

1 reply

Treelove · 19/06/2024 04:15

Hello I am married to a man and I have a stepdaughter, (his daughter). I love them both very much. However I am frustrated with the lack of communication by both of them and sometimes inappropriate response. They are very similar and not too socially saavy. He is not a great communicator. It’s pretty often when I say something and he doesn't even respond. I have brought this up several times. I try to talk to him about stuff, deeper than just what is for dinner or what is on tv and other small talk. Well he doesn’t usually ask me anything about my day etc. I try to strike up conversation with either of them. And when I tell him, it just sounds like I am a complainer. Today I tried to talk to my step daughter about school but she looks bored and disinterested as per usual. Today she was staring at my chest/boob area while I was talking. This is not the first time. She is 16. She says it’s because of her ADD/ADHD. I have said before that it’s not polite. And she doesn't have a lot of friends. I’m trying to help her with social stuff and be more appropriate. Well Today I noticed how BOTH of them stare at my chest when I am talking. He came home from work and I was telling him something important in the kitchen and he did the same — stare at my boobs and it’s not the first time. I have noticed it many times. Well I decided to tell them both because it’s not a very nice thing to do and sometimes they are both a little socially awkward. I don’t want them to do this with other people! Well he denied doing it and dismissed my claim and she just gets tears in her eyes and says she was looking at something in my hands but it was clear she did it a bit earlier when i didn't have anything in my hands and then later she claims she just cant help it. I told him his response isn't a good example not to take responsibility for something he obviously did and I am sharing how I feel about it. A woman knows when that happens! It’s obvious! And the thing is, it always feels like they aren’t really listening to me anyway. Just staring. So when he denied it, I said that it’s wrong to deny it and an apology would have been better. Then it’s very quiet in the house like they are both mad at me for speaking up for myself. And I feel like the bad guy / wicked step mom again for defending my feelings. Did I not handle that right? Is that truly a symptom of ADHD?

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 19/06/2024 11:08

@Treelove i don’t know if that’s an ADHD thing but I’m more confused about how you’ve managed to marry a man who you can’t talk to. Presumably when you were dating you had more than surface level conversations? What changed? I know that adhd can make it hard for people to focus and pay attention, especially if it’s something that isn’t of much interest to them. The way you’ve described speaking to your husband makes it sound like you were talking to him like he was a child too but I understand you were trying to help him avoid future awkward social interactions.

Not having much to say about school is not unusual for most children. A good technique is to ask a more specific question rather than ’how was school today?’ You instead ask about a specific element eg ‘did your friend make it in time to maths today?’ Anything that shows you have an understanding of the child’s life and are interested in the details and have been listening to them.

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