Guy at work fancies me and won't leave me alone

[fullmoonnight]

I started a new job 4 months ago, along with about 6 other new starts. Except I'm a manager and they are all of the level of people I manage (I don't manage any of them though).

One of the guys who started with me asked me soon after we started if I was free at the weekend and wanted to meet up. I politely turned him down. Since then he has twice complimented me for a particular hairstyle that he likes, and he regularly asks me if I'm ok (when perhaps I'm concentrating or thinking about something so maybe my face isn't totally smiley and positive). I was coughing today due to a tickly throat and he craned his neck round from his side of the office to ask if I was ok. On another occasion I was helping someone in my team with a task on the computer, and to do so happened to have to wedge myself between my team member and this guy. I wasn't interacting with him at all but I heard him say under his breath, "well this is snug".

I know that he does have autism so maybe doesn't pick up on all the social cues, and that he doesn't have bad intentions, but AIBU to raise this all with my manager to get it addressed? I want to come to work and not have to worry about it. I also don't want him to get into trouble. I just want it to stop and for me to be able to get on with my job.

Could you have a chat to him directly first, before thinking about going to your manager?

That sounds like perfectly normal things to do? If someone was coughing, it's not odd to look

To be honest, the examples you give don't sound like he won't leave you alone. Asking if you're OK a few times and complementing your hair twice doesn't sound onerous. My manager is male and if he has a haircut or something we all say "Like your hair" and he compliments us if we have a new hairstyle.
When you said he won't leave you alone I thought you were going to say he'd been constantly calling or messaging you outside work hours or following you around the office.
Anyway, if it's too much I'd just be polite but very cool with him. I think he'll get the message.

At what stage has he showed he fancies you?

When he asked me out and when he tells me "by the way, I like your braid". He doesn't ask anyone else if they're ok and nobody else commented on my coughing today, even though there were other people sitting right next to me.

I'm already polite but as brief as I can be with him and it's not getting through to him.

Um, maybe when he asked her out @introverteccentric ?
Why quote a huge wall of text without reading it?

OP, I tend to agree that as a manager you should be setting boundaries yourself. Some of the behaviour is borderline but you probably should have called out the 'snug' comment at the time. Unless you really were right up in his space, which would be inappropriate especially given the history.

You probably have a good radar for this so trust your gut.

I wouldn't go with anything higher up yet but he's one to draw a very solid boundary around as a manager if nothing else by the sound of it.

I'm sure he's probably a good guy though

OK, he asked you out but seemed to accept it when you said no, and hasn't asked you out again. Saying he likes your braid isn't really a big deal, is it? Where I work, men and women often comment on people's clothes, hair etc.
If someone was coughing at work I'd probably ask if they were OK.

You should speak to him directly before talking to the manager.

I’m not hugely confident speaking to him directly about it, particularly as he doesn’t seem to pick up nuance very well. What would you suggest I say?

I’ve never been in this situation at work before and this is my first management post.

Be aware that even if you say to your manager “I don’t want him to get into trouble”, he is likely to be investigated for sexual harassment and will get into trouble.

You are so over reacting. Sorry, but you really are.

If its really sporadic then I'd say nothing. You risk reading into innocuous stuff more because he asked you out, but as pp said, he seemed to accept it and the examples you gave are just normal things

The way you have described it sounds very like normal interaction but you aren't comfortable about something within that. Based on that alone it's difficult to know what you should say. If there's something that doesn't sit right, address whatever it is directly at the time even if it is small. Set your boundary.

Thinking about it some more, if he has autism maybe the 'snug' comment was his way of saying your close physical presence was making HIM uncomfortable. So maybe tread carefully there in future.

With the other comments, you have two choices really, either respond in the moment, or pull him aside. For example, responding in the moment might just be 'gosh, lots of comments on my appearance lately'. I find that tricky TBH because it's hard not to sound irritated. A quick chat to clear the air might be better. 'I know we had an awkward start, and I've noticed recently you've been paying attention to my hair and other little things. It makes me a little uncomfortable to be honest' and see what he says from there.

if he compliments you again, say 'I am not comfortable with that'.

if you need to stand squished up by his desk again, ask him 'could you move for a few minutes to give us space'.

anything else, stay cool and professional and ignore.

if he asked you out again or says anything stronger than the comments so far, document it and go to your manager.

I'm also going to suggest ignoring anyone who tells you there's nothing wrong here. If he's making you uncomfortable, he's making you uncomfortable. Other peoples' workplace culture and tolerance levels are irrelevant here. I personally would not enjoy public compliments about my looks from a colleague, let alone one I've had to decline a date with and while I'm trying to establish myself as a new manager.

I don’t think you’ve got a lot to go off to be honest. I get that you can tell when people fancy you but I don’t think he is sexually harassing you.

Nice hair x 2 - people comment on hair styles

Are you ok? - few times. - your cough could have been irritating him. You might have looked stressed.

This looks snug - could be ‘get out of my personal space’

If your going to the manager you need something thing a bit more tangible

You are making him out to be some sort of sex pest, when all he has done is said a few nice things to you. Perhaps he's just a friendly guy?

Just remain cool and professional, and you should definitely speak up and tell him if anything he says in future makes you feel uncomfortable, but I think reporting him at this stage is a massive overreaction.

If you're feeling uncomfortable, that's how you feel and perfectly valid. However, given he hasn't asked you out again and has only paid you two compliments, I don't think you have enough there to raise an issue with his manager. His snug comment could very easily have been because he felt uncomfortable. How close together are the desks?? It sounds ridiculously close if the three of you were sandwiched so closely together.
In your situation, I'd stay calm, cool and professional. See how things go. If he does fancy you, it's likely to be a passing phase - I'm good chums with two work colleagues now that showed a romantic interest in me early on in my career at my company.

This is a tricky one. Especially recently when there is a patriarchal backlash in workplace. It is illegal for people to suffer retaliation for reporting sexual harassment,but employers are very good at manipulation, gaslighting,blame shifting and hiding favouritism. I have a job where this foreman keeps trying his luck, even to the extent of going into a rage over me wearing a wedding ring. Trouble is you never know who's pot these people are pissing in and if they're in with the powers that be, it's goodnight Vienna for you. Also, his autism could be excused under the Equality Act. Nobody should go through this and it's annoying. The guy at work is actually making himself a laughing stock, but it's not funny being on the receiving end, even if you're a non damsel. I can use recording equipment as I have a security license, but not everyone is that lucky. I am just waiting until my contract finishes here and then I will give him the sharp end of my tounge in front of everyone. I do feel for you. Best way is get as many witnesses as possible and just see where everyone stands. Unfortunately, workplaces are nowhere near as fair as they make out and for the most part are lying double sided hypocrites. You could calmly tell him that your brief plays hard ball. You do not need to go through an employer to get a solicitor's letter sent out.