Husband uncontactable on nights out

[RunningMum87]

First time posting so be kind.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids ages 4 and 5. we have been on and off since we were 18. He is perfect in most ways apart from when he drinks. I find him very irritating when he has had a few drinks. When he goes out with his mates he gets to a certain point where he seems to forget I exist. No matter how many times I ask him he is incapable of texting me back after about 10pm. When he is away overnight all I ask for is a message to let me know he is back safe. He was hospitalised whilst on a stag do once so I feel this is not too much to ask. I suffer from extreme anxiety which he knows about and fully understands why I ask for a message at the end of the night but he never seems able to do this. He has been away with work a couple of times recently and again has not been able to message me at the end of the night. Surely he shouldn’t be getting that drunk if he is working and driving the next day?
So my question is, am I being unreasonable to ask for a text at the end of the night once he is back at the hotel? He is on a stag do this weekend and I am not expecting a message then but surely on a bog standard work night away he should be able to message?

Well, Dh would normally text me in a situation like this, but lots of people would not find it necessary.

I suspect this is not really about the text messaging though. It's about the fact that on a fairly regular basis he appears to be getting so drunk that he's completely insensible, to the point he has actually been hospitalised.

I mean, I've had some pretty drunken nights in my time but I've never been hospitalised as a result of alcohol. And post kids, even just "normal" big nights are less big and definitely less often.

it’s not unreasonable at all, but what is unreasonable is that he gets so drunk he’s incapable and obviously you’re worried as he has been hospitalised in the past. Does this not concern him?

This expectation would drive me insane. Although presumably if I was your OH I would like you somewhat and might accommodate it. I also don't end up in hospital through booze though so...

Was he hospitalised through drink? OP doesn't say that. If he is regularly drinking to that extent, do yourself and DC a favour and move on.

If not and he's generally in touch when he's away, but isn't letting you know his night has ended (which could be at anytime, including morning, tbh) I think you need to leave him be.

It sounds like you are texting him to try to relieve your anxiety, which is unreasonable, sorry.

Honestly he doesn’t message you because he is absorbed in his night out, chatting, conversing & socialising.

I know you have anxiety but really that pressure to reply to you probably drives him away slightly. I mean that kindly.

When he is out focus on something else.

Well I would worry.
I would worry about the amount he drinks.
I would worry that he is a man in a relationship with children behaving like a single man with no responsibilities.
I would worry because you say when he goes out with his mates he seems to forget you exist. If that is true I would be worrying what he gets up to, as well as about the amount he is drinking and the possibility he might be drink driving.

Disrespectful and seems he is a binge drinker which isn't good

I would expect a text.

If I were in your shoes OP, I would say that if he can't be bothered (or sober enough) to text you at the end of the evening, just to reassure you that he's safe, then I'd be telling him, that I'm not happy about him going out, full stop!! He's behaving irresponsibly, whichever way you look at this, if he's working and getting so pissed he can't text you, but then driving in the morning, then he's not safe to be on the road, and is therefore a danger to himself and other people. On the other hand, he's being unkind and irresponsible, not to let his wife and the mother of his children know that he's safe after a night out. I think some serious conversations need to be had, as he's NOT a single man anymore, and it's time he faced up to that!

It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s your expectation in a relationship. He either cares about your expectations or doesn’t. He doesn’t.

Genuinely, what help is a text at the end of the night, especially if its a stag do, it could be 5am. No one wants to be waiting for that surely, but even on a more sedate might out, I'm likely to be in bed long before his night's ended.

That works both ways though

I wouldn't be happy with an expectation to text on schedule whenever I go out. But I'd also never agree to it in the first place.

It isn't the way to sort your anxiety.

I wouldn't expect my OH to text me during a boozy night out. I think that is quite controlling. Presumably you are on high alert waiting for him to text no matter what time it is, which I don't think is doing you much good.

I wouldn't expect DH to text me when he's on a night out. I wouldn't be waiting up to receive it anyway so totally pointless. I would hate to be expected to text him too.

If his expectations are to not have to be in contact, then he needs to express this to her and they need to reach a compromise. At the moment it sounds as if he is agreeing and then simply not doing it – therefore he is in the wrong.

Your anxiety is your issue to deal with, not his, and I mean that kindly. However I would find his drinking to excess an issue.

Thank you for all your replies. Just to answer some of your queries. I’m not asking him to txt me on a boozy night out. All I ask is for him to let me know that he is back safe. And going away with work in my eyes is not a boozy night out. When I ask him the day after he is very apologetic and says he should have txt me as he agrees it’s not a hard thing to do if it means it helps my anxiety. I asked him how he would feel if I didn’t message him when I was away and he even said he wouldn’t like it. He was hospitalised because he got hit by a car when drunk. His mates didn’t notice till the day after. We have had counselling and even the councillor said he should be meeting me half way and messaging me at the end of the night. I understand not everyone has that kind of relationship and are happy not to hear from their partners but he got with me knowing I was like this.

It's a very simple request you've made - repeatedly. Your not controlling. Your allowed to have your own needs met to a reasonable level - and this is not a unreasonable expectation.

Yes, some posters would not like the constraint of this. But it is not their relationship. It's yours, and it's a request he seems happy to commit to obliging. But then fails to do so.

I think you need to hold fast to your boundaries here op. He's telling you he cares, but his actions say otherwise.

Using anxierty is controlling, well it would be if a man tried to use it as an excuse, he is a grown up and you are not his mother

DH and I do keep in touch but if we dont both of us are adults we just deal with it

I think for me it'd depend on how often this happens. The odd time, fair enough. If it's every week, then I'd have a problem with it. I don't keep tabs on my husband, nor does he with me, but on the rare occasion one of us is out (him more than me, but that's my choice), we let eachother know when we're on the way home and once we're back. It's just courtesy, more than anything.

He's an alcoholic. Not much of a life for you and the children. If it were me, I'd call it a day, but I'm not you. It doesn't sound like he wants to help himself, and the pattern is set of not calling when he's out drinking, so you are frequently in a state of anxiety. I guess you have to look at your overall life together and decide whether the alcoholic episodes are worth putting up with, compared to the rest of your life together.