To feel this is abuse? Or is it?

[hapooq]

My ex partner, father to my DD age 3, constantly questions me. Examples this week have been we needed a form to go in for her dance lessons and I explained we had to provide bank details for her to be registered in the new class as it’s a new payment plan. He said that was unusual and he wanted proof of my conversation. I said he could call them himself if he wanted but he didn’t want to do that and just said he didn’t think it was realistic they had asked that.

I have no annual leave left because I am resident parent for DD and have used it all on sickness and with her (it renews in September). He said he wanted to see my work account as he didn’t believe me.

A big one is that I will tell him a date or arrange a time with him in text and he will point blank say I didn’t say it. When I show him the text he will try and explain it away liek I didn’t confirm etc etc. It’s always put back onto me.

These are small examples but he does it with everything.

i end up getting enticed into proving myself to him, I get so angry and upset at the accusations that I start trying to find phone records to the ballet school to show I spoke to them, or trying to remember if I said a date to a friend that I had agreed with him so I can verify it. I get drawn into it all and I am often going to bed feeling physically unwell. One weekend I had a childminder for an hour when he cancelled seeing Dd and I needed time to sort things in the house and he grilled me over it as if I hadn’t actually done that (he had originally offered to pay half for her so he wanted to check she had been). I feel a shell of who I was.

Very odd

Yes, it is. It’s gaslighting, and control.

OP, I am very glad to hear this is an ex partner and not current. Do not be drawn on proving yourself to him at all.

I think it is coercive. You are changing your behaviour and boundaries to keep him happy. If something feels wrong it is usually wrong.
Having to always consider someone else's mood will have a detrimental affect on you, as will constantly having to prove something you know to be true.
No advice really, but i dont think yabu.

He's a twat. I would not be showing him proof of anything.

I think some counselling to realise your worth and build your confidence with him would be really beneficial (saying that as I feel the same with my ex). Stand strong in what you know is right, don't get drawn into it and don't send evidence. I would suggest the 'grey rock' method when dealing with your ex, it has definitely helped me since I read about it on here.

If you're asking him to pay for things and he wants proof that's up to him. But he could call these places and ask himself if he wanted the proof. If you're not asking him to pay then it's nothing to do with him. If you're asking him to pay, and there's been a bad breakup and you don't get along too well, he's got every right to see proof of what he's paying for if there's no trust between you both. Same as if it was the other way round and he was asking you for money.

Are you going via CMS.

It sounds like he's using finances to control you.

You shouldn't need to discuss these things with him.

Get a fixed routine and payment agreement. Don't engage any further. Is this a new ex? It sounds like you're adjusting. He's trying to keep control of you.

He sounds like a controlling twat. The less time you spend around him the better.

Who died and made him King of your world? If he wants evidence of anything he can attempt to get it himself otherwise tough. You are not his underling. He can fuck off if he can’t handle that.

Do not allow yourself to be drawn into his control games re: providing evidence of anything. Pick a line and repeat it whenever necessary e.g. “This was previously decided I do not have the time or inclination to prove it” then move on. If that means having to cancel stuff - cancel it. You need to take a hard line to reinforce boundaries.

Take care of yourself and be careful. A twat like him may become violent when he realises you are not dancing to his tune.

He should be sorting out and paying for a childminder if it is within his time and he cancelled.

He sounds like an utter pain.

Look up grey rock and stop turning yourself inside out for him.

I think you need to take control of the situation. The next time something like this comes up. Fight the urge to defend yourself or to prove you were right.

Easier said than done, right?

Come up with a list of stock responses:
-Ok whatever
-If that’s what you think
-Believe whatever you want
-Sure Ok

Practice saying these things.

Now the next time it happens stop, take a deep breath, and count to 5. Only allow yourself to use one of those phrases. Use them all in the same conversation!

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if he believes you or not. You are putting way too much stock in what he thinks. You know you are right trust yourself.

Grey rock - once he sees he doesn't get a reaction hopefully he'll stop bothering you.

You don't have to respond. You don't owe him an explanation:

Have a phrase on replete.

Holidays - that's none of your business
Bank details - if you want proof ring x y z
Childminder - what I do with our dc whilst they are in my care is up to me
If he disagrees with something you've already agreed via text, show him the text and then don't respond. You could try - please see below your test agreeing to x. The stop responding.

I used to play a game with my ex, the least points wins, every letter is a point. You'd be amazed at how many texts you can respond to with 'k' obviously he didn't know about the game

I find a good old fashioned thumbs up 👍 to be useful in situations like this.

I feel like that should only be 1/2 a point🤔

Thanks. I genuinely feel like a nervous wreck.

if I say something like ‘yes that conversation did happen, believe what you want’ he would continue to probe and ask questions. It gets me riled up as I am not lying so I am desperate not to be thought of as a liar when I am not. I tie myself in knots over it.

It's not easy, but stopping caring what he thinks of you will set you free. He's an absolute knob, you know your behaviour is reasonable so disengage. He doesn't think you're a liar, he's just saying you are to mess with your head

I don’t know if this abuse but he’s definitely fucking with you.

It’s abuse. You need to actively limit interaction with him, then as others have said, read up on and practice “grey rock” when you do have to speak to him.
In terms of actively limiting - why did you ask for his bank details and not your own? Phase out interaction as much as possible.

This used to be my sister and it was very difficult to watch her get in a panic or tie herself in knots like you are doing but only because to us on the outside we would have just told him to fuck off, it's really not as easy while you are in it because they have conditioned you to feel this way. My sister went as low contact as possible and only gave him set answers when necessary and watched and listened to a lot of podcasts and things on YouTube about how to deal with complete twats like this. He nearly broke her and it's just awful to watch but 3 years on and he doesn't dare question anything anymore lol he hates that he can't control her anymore and as soon as he starts being a twat she shuts him off and tells him that until he can behave like an adult she isn't listening lol it's bloody great seeing the change in her and the fact that he absolutely knows she means it keeps him in line lol. It took a while but she got there and I hope you can do the same

You might want to look at https://talkingparents.com/ . Only communicate via the app, and then everything he does is on record - just knowing that may stop the worst of his behaviour.

Also take a look at Tina Swithin's help with communicating with people like him - ignore that it says 'narcissist' - it's work with any difficult person cos it's about changing your own responses and focussing on yourself and not them:

https://www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/implementing-yellow-rock-communication-when-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist

You already know the pattern. And you know you can’t make him not probe. You also know that what you are telling him is right.

It’s hard especially when there is an established pattern like this but you do have the power not to engage.

It does sound silly but practice your phrases alone… in front of a mirror.

You’re reliving these conversations in your head already… relive them but change the script. Hell practice in this thread. I’m sure enough people here could come up with your ex’s responses close enough from experience with their exes to give you some realistic scenarios.

My ex does this. You don't have to respond. I inform him, I'll answer questions if he is respectful. Otherwise I don't respond.

You can't stop him nit picking, you can stop your response and taking away his power.

I'm so pleased he's an ex.

He's a man who wants to have the last word and defending yourself (aka answering back) is only going to prolong the conversation.

You could try and find an intermediary (family member, friend) who could be the pick up/drop off person for a while. It'd be harder for him to bring up his pettinesses with them.

Stay strong. He'll get bored eventually, especially if you don't respond.

Insist on using one of the court approved parent apps and block all other means of contact.

Yes to using grey/yellow rock.

Stop being so enmeshed, why is he involved in the ballet class? Either he wants her to go and he pays or she doesn't type of thing.

I’m follow grey rock, never ask for any favours, have set schedule and set CMS so absolutely limited communication needed.

I tend to use “Great thanks” for most of his rambling nonsense but will def be using “k” in future!