To try to get my difficult sister to not be involved with my DS

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I've a very very difficult relationship with my sister - she's extremely domineering and we've barely spoken in the past few years as I tried to assert some boundaries with her that made her very angry. In general she's always been very critical of me and my life decisions and I don't need that level of negativity directed at me. I've never been a very confident person and find myself feeling very undermined by the way she treats me. I wish we had a better relationship but when I (calmly) asked her to back off a bit a few years ago (for the first time in my life) she just stopped speaking to me.

I've 3 dcs and my middle ds (16) is autistic. She sends him birthday and Christmas cards, as I do with her 2 dcs but due to our tricky relationship they've barely seen one another since he was 10 yo other than at gatherings of the wider family.

She has sent him a text message directly to him asking if he would do some paid household work for her over the summer holidays - painting her dinghy and clearing out her garage. I really don't want him in her orbit or in her environment on his own, he's quite vulnerable and she has always been extremely judgmental of my parenting which is one of the reasons I withdrew from her.

AIBU to plan to message her (or ask my dh to do so) and say it's not a good idea for him to do this work? And if so how do I word it? I get on ok with her dh and could go via him - I don't want to inflame things or cause a big drama. Or should I just let it happen? I know 16 year olds can make their own decisions, but my ds needs a lot of guidance. I haven't said anything to him about my relationship with his aunt.

"Hi Sis, thanks for the offer of work for James this summer, but he's not able to it. Hope you find someone who can help!"

If she kicks off
"James has a busy summer planned and can't fit that work in".

And withdraw.

What does your DS want? That should factor in.

How did she get your ds's number?

He‘s 16 and old enough to decide what he wants to do.

From my mother. He helps her out and stays over with her once a week since my father died (he loves cooking for her)

He is asking me what to do about it

As I said, he's very vulnerable & not a typical 16 year old. He's asking me for advice about it.

In that case, tell him to say no (either for the real reason or make up a reason depending on what you think he can cope with).

Well he won't tell a lie so if he asks why he should say no I am not sure what to say

It won’t be possible for XX to come to your house to work this Summer.

No apologies or excuse.

'I think you've had a stressful time with your GCSE's and I don't want you to work over the summer'.

'I have some jobs around the house you could do and I'd rather you do those'.

'It's more important to rest and get ready for your A-levels/college'

Whatever suits you situation, use your imagination!

Have you asked him if he wants to do it? This should factor.

Be straight with him, he will be able to cope with that. Tell him your sister is a difficult person who has made you feel upset and unvalued and you don’t want her in your or his life as you don’t trust her motives, unfortunately.

I think he'd find it very upsetting to hear that as he really loves the idea of a close extended family - he has 3 step-uncles on my dp's side who he spends a lot of time with. I just have one sister and brother, and my brother lives in the USA so his main contact on my side is with my mum. But maybe I do need to come clean and just tell the truth.

He asked me what I think - he seems keen as he recently lost his role as a volunteer in the local community centre and he has six weeks to fill over the summer.

Would you have to get him there or can he go on his own?

It just seems that being literal is important for any young person, especially autistic who need real reasons for confusing situations. You don’t need to say everything but he might cope well with a basic explanation.

He could go on his own. Obviously I can't protect him forever but I suppose I just feel a bit like it could become tricky for him. And also, it feels like it's an invasion of our privacy of a family. I've worked hard to develop everyone's self esteem and she's such a difficult character I feel it would be almost irresponsible to send him off to deal with her.

Then again, he likes having contact with the wider family so I don't know if this is somehow denying him the right to develop his own relationship with her.

I have a very difficult brother and I had to let my DS know when I went NC, as he had threatened to tell my DS, then 12, what an evil abusive cow I was. It was hard for DS buy I think much better to be open about this.

I think you should tell your son that your sister does not like you and has been unkind, so you don't want him to spend time with her, as you don't think she's a good person.

I doubt she's doing this as she wants to build bridges, she wants to know what's going on in your life, and potentially to decide if she thinks your son really is autistic or if you've just been parenting him wrong. From what you've written about her, she may have decided the latter already.

Ouch - she should know he really is autistic given he's had pretty extensive assessments. But yes I've no doubt she'll judge my parenting via him. He's also pretty naive and she's so used to thinking she's in the right and dictating that to other people that I don't want him subject to her bossiness and to come out feeling like he has to try to please her all the time.

I don't want to tell him she's not a good person as we've been trying to help him not think in such black and white terms. I might just say I've found it tricky to be around her a lot as she has very strong opinions and doesn't always listen to other people so he should be polite to her when they meet but he mightn't enjoy spending extended time at her house.