Losing it with my 10 nearly 11 year old

[StirlingM]

Am having a very tough time with my 10 year old son. This morning he woke up late, refused to dress by himself even though I had laid the clothes all out for him. My six year old daughter is brushed dressed ready for school downstairs and started her breakfast. During breakfast he starts being rude at the table and I told him to be good and stop being nasty to me and his sis.

I ended up keeping his homework in his bag for him and getting them out the door. We reach school and he has forgotten to wear his tie. He melts down and starts accusing me that it was my fault! He begs me to then go home and get it and I have to rush to work and school to home is a good 20
jun drive which I just cannot do.

I told him own up snd tell the teacher and that its ok, it was his first time. He refused to go in but after I said that’s it, I am off, he reluctantly walked in with tears. I ended up st reception writing a note to his teacher that he walked into school like that. My heart breaks to see him cry and walk in but I know I am teaching him to take some form of responsibility.

Am I being unreasonable or too harsh?

No, not unreasonable, but I'd say school are being more unreasonable in insisting a ten year old wear a tie when adult men don't. Do they have a super strict policy with detentions for minor infractions or a points rewards system by any chance?

Not unreasonable, at his age he should be able to get himself sorted in the morning.
However, you say he woke up late and he forgot his tie.
You still have overall responsibility for him so surely you wake him up and also check he has a tie/the right uniform on?

Maybe I'm soft but I wouldn't place those things solely as his responsibility. Yes expect him to get up and put his uniform on properly but as the adult do the last check that everything is in order.

YABU to send him to a school where junior school age kids have to wear a tie.

Its ridiculous enough that senior school age kids have to wear it, but juniors?

Is he going to be scolded or punished for this by the school? Poor kid.

What a stupid post.

Do you think OP made her school choice based on the uniform? You'd have a hard job to find a school around here where no tie is required.

Assume he is year six? If so there ability to learn anything at the moment is poor. That includes life lessons such as taking responsibility for themselves.

Right back atcha.

I've lived in two major cities and don't know any state junior school that requires a tie.

I wouldn't choose to pay for a private school where a tie was required as it says something about the culture of the school, and that is not a culture I agree with.

So what, he forgot his tie?! What's the worst that will happen?! (I actually agree with PP that ties for primary aged kids are ridiculous and it is even more ridiculous if he gets sanctioned for it).

Is he in year 6? It's a hard time for them right now. My 11YO is doing transition to high school this week and next. I realised yesterday he only has 3 weeks in primary left! From the sounds of what he's telling me, most of their day in primary is talking about high school. They're all off going to different schools, friendship groups are changing and the social dynamics are shifting.

Your son is going to be tired and probably anxious about high school. Maybe have a chat with him tonight and see how he's doing?

He’s 10 ffs! If he doesn’t get dressed properly and put his tie on then that’s his own fault and he can deal with the consequences. I wouldn’t be putting the homework in the bag either, he can do that and if he forgets and gets bollocked then maybe next time he’ll remember! I’m a big believer in natural consequences to help kids learn and prepare for the real world.

Bollocks. All the primary schools round here have ties as the uniform so there would be nowhere to choose if wanting one that didn't. All secondary schools too

That's not to say that I agree with ties for children of that age because I don't, but even the girls are required to have them here.

OP, don't worry. You did the right thing. He'd been behaving badly and then he wanted you to run back and forth doing his bidding, which you rightly refused to do. He is now paying a much deserved consequence. Give it no further headspace and just get on with your day. If school question it then just explain to his teacher what really happened and why this was his consequence.

What exactly does a tie say about the culture of a school?
You would reject a school that's a good fit for your child, based on the fact that the children wear ties?
Righto then....

Same here. Stop putting his homework in his bag for him. Remind him a couple of times to put it in there himself but if he still doesn't then he faces the consequences at school.

Better that he learns this now than in multiple lessons each day at secondary school come September.

The tie debate is hilarious. You can tell who’s raising the entitled little shits taught to question every little rule and “not bow down to authority”.

Can't you just! I don't particularly like ties, but the kids wore them as required to school.

DD3 will graduate from Cambridge at the end of the month and will have to wear a white bow tie with her graduation suit. All of which I bought for her last week (suit and tie) 😃😃

Schools are chosen based on whether they are generally right for the child and have a good record rather than whether a tie is part of the uniform or not.

@Upsidetriangle, you would hate our school. Once in year 5, they also have to wear blazers to get ready for high school.

Was he trying to get out of going to school for some reason, and deliberately forgot his tie as an excuse?

My local English state primaries don’t have ties but that’s neither here nor there - you can’t choose a state school based on ties, apart from many having the same uniform type so there’s no choice, you won’t get anything but catchment anyway. Stupid thing to say.

Sounds like he had a bad morning. Some kids get tired this part of the term, Y6 can get hormonal too at this age. As it’s his first time without a tie, I don’t think you’re lacking a strategy - it was just one of those things.

I think writing a note for his teacher was OTT, but no harm done.

Thanks so much for your responses. School actually called me and said its not a big deal at all, he can just go without it and that he was overthinking it. They were very kind to him but did tell him that to be more responsible..am sure his day has gotten on well. Every school in the area i live in (Guildford) has kids in year 5-6 wear ties (either the elastic ones or the tie ons)

He went in in a state and without a tie because he was picking about this morning. You did your part OP, and his sister is capable of doing the right thing despite being much younger. You are not responsible and should not be feeling bad.
Tonight have a chat about nice behaviour before school and tomorrow is another day. Say you do't expect a repeat please. We all want a good start to the day and work and school, not stupid arguments and sulks.

I wore a tie in primary school, very much not a private school.

Most middle schools (Y5-8) will have all years wearing ties - my son wears a clip-on one, with a blazer. Very common here and not a big deal.

What I will say, OP, is that this is a bit of a witching time for kids round that age, in my.opinion....if they're in first year of middle school they're giddy with the fact Y5 is nearly bloody over/exhausted at having kept it together in that environment for nearly a year. If they're in Y5 at primary school there's probably a combo of end-of-term-itis and excitement at knowing they're going to be the big kids next year. Also it's very much a winding down period - sports day, clubs ending for the season etc - there's a bit of jailbreak mentality, I think! Also, 10-yr old boys are on the cusp of some very hormonal years to come...mine is certainly much more up and down that he was this time last year (and he knows it, which I guess is a bit confusing for him).

My kids would get very short shrift if they refused to get up on a school day but let me reassure you that I spend a fair amount of time reminding them what they need each day, encouraging them along with getting ready etc. They're getting much better at it but some kids develop these kind of skills a bit later and need a bit more support.

Both state junior schools in our village insist children wear a tie from year 3 to 6, for the autumn and spring terms. They don't have to wear in the summer term.

I'm not going to drive them to another school to not have to wear a tie, when they can walk to our excellent village school!

The primary my daughter was in before we moved had children wearing ties from Reception age. Which I agree is excessive, when they are doing lots of painting and play based curriculum. I also wore a tie from Reception when I went yo school.

Oh give over! If the best school in the local area, based on reputation, facilities, ethos and having a good 'feel' about the place on looking round had a uniform policy that included a tie you're saying you'd turn it down and send them to a inferior school with a worse reputation but no school ties? Pull the other one! Maybe they live in a rural location and that's the only nearby school to make it feasible. There's so many reasons to choose a school rather than dismiss it because of a tie.

Sounds like the overthinking and panicking about it and reacting by blaming you is more of the issue than the forgotten tie. I'll be honest - both of my DDs have traits like this - DD2 is the scatterbrain who has managed to make it to school without a bloody skirt on on one occasion (long winter coats meant it wasn't spotted when she left the house in a rush) and DD1 will blame anyone under the sun... both are neurodivergent.