What would you do?

[Smilingbuttired]

Ex and I split when son was 2 (he’s 11 next week). Ex promptly moved an hour away and since then has son 1 night a week unless he’s got plans where he won’t see him at all.

Ex has always point blank refused to help during the week even though I’ve asked him to a number of times during the year due to the “distance”. He has never been to a sports day, parents evening, didn’t come to view high schools even though I asked him to, didn’t come to hospital when son needed emergency surgery and a couple of weeks ago refused to have him as son had a cold and ex and his wife didn’t want germs in their house 🙈😂 it’s sons birthday next week and I’m throwing him a party and ex is going on stag do.

Our son suffers from migraines and over the last year has had a number of instances of being sent home from school with one as they make him vomit (he’s under paeds). Every time this happens school won’t let him back for 48 hours even though the sickness is related to his migraine but what I’m so irritated with is that it always falls on me to miss work when this happens. He never ever helps in these situations. It’s happened today again and I had to leave work and my boss as lovely as he is told me it’s becoming a concern as i am missing so much work which I completely agree with.

I called ex on leaving work and basically told him I’ve had enough, I don’t want my job on the line because he refuses to be an active parent. I told him he should be ashamed of himself for doing the bare minimum and that he needs to help me more. He replied that as I’m the primary carer it should fall on me and that his job is too important to just leave!! It’s because of me being the only active parent that has allowed him to get this amazing job where he earns ridiculous money whilst I find jobs to fit around the kids.

I am in no way ranting about being a mother, I adore my children and they will always come first but I am sick to death of him letting me do 95% of everything then still having a say on decisions for our son. If it were up to me we’d emigrate and try and have a nicer life somewhere else but because ex won’t allow it that can’t happen which sucks but that’s life.

In the future who will be the parent with the best and most stable relationship with your ds ?
Ime you reap what you sow. Stop giving him the satisfaction of thinking you need him. It isn't about his ds it's about control over you. He won't in his warped mind do you any favours...
My ds once told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved him. He was 10.
The fact he is an ex surely tells you he is a useless fook??

I agree 100%... my son and I have the best relationship and are really close. He has expressed to me a few times at weekends that he doesn't want to go to his dads as they never do anything but I have always told him to go. My worry is that when he starts high school in September that he is going to naturally want to go out with friends etc and I just know ex will start throwing his weight around demanding that he go there. He is controlling in nature and in the past if I have tried to change our 'agreement' has threatened me with solicitors etc.

I love my job so much, it works well around the kids and I am terrifed i'll end up losing it because of all this. I completely understand their views from a business point of view and im lucky that my boss understands my situation but there will be a breaking point if i am not doing my job.

In secondary school your ds's wishes would be heard if ex took you to court.. If he can't bother with ds would he bother with the time and costs of a court case? Doubtful..
He is just using words to control you...

I don’t have much advice on dealing with the wanker ex, but wanted to ask if you are being properly supported by your doctor.

They are VERY reluctant to treat migraines in children in my experience but they can offer preventative medications (such as beta blockers) to take daily and abortive migraine medications which bypass the stomach so are good if you vomit. You need to ask for oradispersible triptans. If he takes the triptan early enough the migraine won’t fully develop and he should be able to stay in school or at least return the next day if he doesn’t vomit.

That’s really helpful thank you! I’ll mention this to his consultant at his next appointment. He actually offered him meds last time we went but son wasn’t keen and promised to wear glasses more and reduce screen time to see if that helped but unfortunately doesn’t seem to have 😕