Feeling like a single married woman

[Mitchywoo]

So I don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if my feelings are valid.

My husband and I have been together almost 10 years and have 2 kids. One in primary school and one who does mornings at nursery.

Currently I am a sahm - whilst youngest is at nursery I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc etc then once kids are home I am with them.

My Husband works full time but from home and has a pretty relaxed work load(often watching tv or playing on his phone). Although he’s home I do not bother him in his study at all and keep the kids away.

But once he’s finished working I am fed up of being a one man marching band. He’s an amazing dad(fun, caring and kind) but literally is like I have a third child to contend with. He doesn’t pick up after himself and likes to spend the time after work playing Xbox or games on his phone.

Asking him to do anything is pointless as I end up having to do it myself. He leaves a tornado like mess in his path and never does any of the housework he says he will do eg - cleaning up after his dog (agreed that the dog was solely his responsibility when we got it) but will happily walk the dog for ages and play on his phone.

This weekend his mother decided to spring a last minute visit on us so I ran around like a headless chicken trying to clean the house and rather then helping he sat on his phone (I did ask)

His mother clearly dislikes me and always judges me yet I spend my time bending over backwards for her when she’s here. When we first told her I was pregnant she suggested an abortion and there’s been negative vibes ever since. But he couldn’t find a reason to say no to her visiting as she “missed” the kids.

Any home improvements that need doing he refuses to let me pay for someone who knows what they are doing but instead will take weeks attempting to fix, either leaving them half done or even more broken so ends up costing more.

He spends money on silly extras and stuff we don’t need whilst we are trying to save so we end up spending more money then we have coming in have to dip into savings.

I have spoken to him many times over the years and each time things improve a little but then go back to how they were if not worse.

I don’t know what advice or help I’m looking for. Maybe more so just to get things off my chest.

Sorry for the long one.

He sounds like another mumsnet manchild.

Going back to work and having your own money to pay for things which need doing might help.
It would also mean you can get away from him for a bit. Sorry he sounds useless.
As for the delightful mother in law - stop caring. If she's coming round then go out. She doesn't like you so what do you care. She can be alone with her useless son and the grandchildren she didn't want.
Sorry OP I think you need to get a bit tough and demand change or you go back to work and pay for it.
Definitely leave him alone with the kids more.

He's never going to change.

You need to sit with that and let it sink in before you decide how to proceed.

I'm missing the fun, caring and kind bit here?

With the kids he is. I can see he loves both kids but thinking about it abit more maybe the fun part is because he enjoys his video games so much and the kids also enjoy it, where I try to limit screen time

So let me get this straight, he treats you like his support human/parent, does eff all round the house and his mum treats you badly and he does nothing about that either.

I mean seriously OP, get back to work and get some control back. Get a cleaner and read him the riot act.

I would not stay with someone like this.

My heart goes out to you OP. He’s stealing your life, your precious years to have fun with your children. Get rid

Net time his mum’s coming to visit you have somewhere to be, but somewhere that won’t have her saying’oh she’s left you to look after everything’. That or go away for a few days- he literally needs to be thrown in the deep end of everyday crap. As for the fixing stuff- he fixes or you get someone in, if they come he can’t stop them being paid!!

And I’d agree to go get a job, you need to start having your own money, freedom and coffee breaks ! X

Unfortunately he does.
Currently going back to work and juggling the extra childcare along with my eldest child’s autism will be abit tricky. But I think you might be right. I have been trying to DIY a lot of it myself but I am just exhausted.

I think I will be going out next time she’s round.

Yes I will be having a proper sit down with him, I think I just needed to let it all out first.

Having wasted many years of my life with a man like this, I can assure you he will not change.
He’s a bad role model for the kids and you are just someone he finds useful to have around for childcare, chores and his general life admin.
If he respected or loved you he would be making sure he takes the pressure off you once he’s finished work, would stand up to his mum and would not just ignore you when you ask him to do things.

Do you think he could be autistic (since there’s a hereditary element and your eldest is diagnosed)? Poor executive function, hyperfocus, inertia might explain some of the issues? Poor theory of mind not really seeming to understand your needs?

He doesn't respect you OP. I know it's a mumsnet cliche but it does sound like he needs a wake up call. Could you stop doing anything for him (his laundry etc) until he steps up?

I'm sorry to have to tell you that you have nothing to work with here. It's clear he won't change. It's possible that if you leave him he will see the error of his ways, but I think he would inevitably go back to the way things were. He's lazy and entitled. Those are character defects. Character is very difficult to change and takes many years of therapy and working on yourself. As he doesn't seem to want to change, it's impossible.
Your options are to accept this fucked up power dynamic and be his surrogate mother and household servant for as long as you stay together, or to end it. Since you are a SAHM, you should start working to develop a career which eventually allow you to leave. Every SAHM should have a plan B.

Truth. They never change, except when they get worse and become abusive and/or unfaithful.

My exH was like this. He always promised to change but never did so I divorced him.

I had an ex like this. It's easier alone.

Also re:amazing dad. I'm sick to the back teeth of reading this then the op inevitably doesn't describe a good father. Think if the example it sets. Do you want a daughter to grow up accepting this behaviour from a man because it's normal in the home she grew up in? Do you want a son to grow up and treat a partner the way you are treated?

Nah. Just a lazy selfish self important man.

I felt so compelled to reply to this OP. I don’t have any answers but wanted to offer solidarity. Very similar situation, SAHM, full time WFH partner, x2 children, youngest at preschool, so have a bit of time to myself.

Partner works very hard at his job, high flyer, career has soared since having the children. I do the cooking (mostly), cleaning, admin, finances, running round etc. The SAHM / working partner dynamic is a complicated one. Will I ever be ok with essentially being my partners housekeeper / mother? Yes, he provides all the money and he does that well and he’s great with the children after work but I don’t know if I’ll ever not feel inadequate / less important/ resentful for enabling him to have a career as I hover in the background clearing up.

To top it off he now wants sex when I come home from drop-off during the few hours of the week I have on my own. Between doing his washing and cleaning the bathroom. This isn’t meant to be a pity post and I realise I’m in a very enviable position not having to work, and I love my children to the ends of the earth, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed and I wonder if it’ll ever go back or if it’s too late (and he never be able to see / treat me as anyone but the one that does the ‘wife-work’). I don’t think he’s doing it in a conscious, horrible way but realistically why would he want me to get a job that makes his life harder when he can focus on his career 8-6 every day without worrying about anything else

You lost me at running around to clean up when his mother was coming. I would have done nothing and when she arrived left it to him. I would have then says I was popping out/taking the kids to the park,

Why do you care what she thinks of you? If she doesn't like you that isn't going to change because you clean the house before she arrives.

You are enabling his behaviour. Stop picking up after him, if necessary just sweep it all into a pile and leave it there. He won't change what he does but you can change what you do and your reaction to what he does. Why don't you get a part time job to get away from him!

He's not an amazing dad! He's teaching his kids that it's ok to be lazy and disrespectful in a relationship.

This. Your kids are being taught that women do everything

Sorry this is happening to you @Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange
but assume you’re not married as you refer to your partner ?

A reminder for women to refuse to have children unless married as then you are at least able to divorce him with some entitlement to a chunk of the assets he’s managed to build up because you were at home looking after his kids ( and being his general skivvy)

Thanks Imambaldi, no we’re not married (joint decision) but all assets are completely joint and savings split too and I manage all the finances. He’s very generous with money and there has never been any control there, I have full ownership! I’ve fully walked into this situation and I’ve gained SO much from having so much time with my children, it’s just the SAHM dynamic in the relationship that leaves me feeling confused. This is way more about me than him, he’s providing and working hard and I realise I’m very lucky to have these choices (I’m basically having an identity crisis now my youngest is off to school!)

You life sounds hellish.
You must be absolutely shattered.
I think you are too kind, patient, and quiet.
He does nothing but work, yet is the boss of everything?
Get back to work asap.
Have a look at what going alone might be like money wise.
It would be easier co parenting with him.
He's a lazy selfish teenager, not a partner or good father.
That he games with them says everything...it is all about him.

@Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange if you don't prioritise what is best for you, he never will.
You need to return to work and spend money on childcare and a cleaner to make things easier.
Should you ever split, he has his great career and you have whatever CM is from him.....and will then have to find a job, even if assets are split. The awful reality is, that that money is his as you are not married and he could walk away with it.
It just isn't wise to be a sahm and unmarried, no matter how nice he seems.
Things change, men change.
MN is full of women who write that they don't recognise their ex.

I echo what pp are saying. Firstly ditch all guilt around HIS mother. Never so much as lift a duster again for her visits. Just go out. Once I decided to stop caring about mine life got easier. My dh never invites her now I don't plan the visits so that's one problem solved.

Generally though, get yourself a job, a cleaner and a diy man and just crack on. Waiting for his say so is just leaving you angry and exhausted. Imagine you live on your own and act accordingly. Pick up all his stuff in a bin liner and put it on his side of the bed every day.