I'm turning into my mother & I need to stop.

[OtterOtterOtter]

I work full time in high pressure job. I'm in (secret) debt despite earning well. My 3 kids are young and one has a disability. I also have pelvic floor issues which means it is often uncomfortable and I can't poo properly - (I've been on waiting list for 3 years) ( also a secret) My disabled DC can be v aggressive. My H tries a bit but he also checks out a lot. Everything is down to me and he helps a bit if that makes sense. I don't fancy him anymore and not sure i love him. He gets angry if i get upset and tells me i'm being too negative. i often think about leaving him as he is so unsupportive

That's all context - not defence. I've always been calm as a person, people have often commented that i'm laid back. I'm also v loving to my kids - I found small baby stage wonderful and i feel naturally maternal.

but now - something keeps happening. I go from being calm, patient, trying to get the kids to bed or something and they're messing about - and i scream. I really scream. Only for 2 seconds and then i instantly regret it. It;s like another part of my brain that I don't recognise has kicked in - i don't even recognise the voice coming out if that makes any sense

My mum was very angry. Never comforted me really and often left me in rooms by myself, often screamed and was physical sometimes. I told my H that I'm worried i'm repeating behaviour but he told me i'm being self-indulgent and buying into 'therapy crap'

How do i stop this sudden new part of my personality? the guilt is so instant. I see them shocked by this voice. I'm shocked by it. I can't see to catch my breath to sort out any of the issues- they feel unsortable.

Please help! I tried therapy before last year but i can't say it helped much.

It's not great, but if you are in a situation where you don't have the adequate support to do what you need to to live and raise 3 kids then you are going to need an outlet when are at the end of your tether.

I personally went through a couple of years when mine were early primary when they would wind me up so much I'd scream stop it repeatedly at them. If I had had more support then it might not have got to that point, but to be honest it just wasn't available to me or I personally wasn't able to find a better solution.

I suppose that if I had to choose an outlet I don't think shouting is the worst. I didn't choose to shout, but looking back I'd rather that than struggling to physically move into time out, saying hurtful/spiteful things which could hurt them emotionally, using alcohol as a coping mechanism or ignoring bad behaviour and just letting them do whatever they wanted or using screens as a babysitter.

I know now that my shouting at them definitely was triggered by the worry that they would hurt themselves. I didn't cope well with the physicality of the younger years and the panic that one would literally crack his head open would get too much.

I know it would have been better to have had the support to not get to the stage where I felt like that, but life isn't perfect.

Mine are older teens now, really lovely, capable and a joy to be around.

Do you think your DH might step up more if he knew about the two secret pressures you are also under? The hidden debt and medical issues are both a lot to deal with alone, it's no wonder you are exploding so often.

HRT fixed this for me

I also didn't shout in the early years but do now (early primary years) and hate it.

You haven't mentioned if you apologise? I know that's always recommended and I do it myself, though it feels somewhat weak when I know I shouted just the day before. I also need a break and more support.

I do think you should step back in order to make your H step forward. Say you need one night out a week, for instance. Would that be feasible? (unfortunately not feasible for me).

I'm trying to get a better hold of those 2 seconds before I shout - if I notice it more I can maybe try and respond differently. I also try and deliberately notice when they are sweet, and small, and look into their eyes. Because in those shouting moments I realise I have lost empathy and I do feel more empathetic when I do those things.

Argh it's hard. I also try and make sure I love them fiercely, tell them I love them and praise the things they do well. Good luck.

Going from calm to flat out anger is a personality type not a flaw, so don't be hard on yourself. The average person experiences more of a slope rather than a cliff, so has more time to recognise they are feeling angry and learn to manage it in the early stages.
You get fewer early warning signs, so instead you have to learn to recognise the risk by the situation, which is harder. You'd probably benefit from anger management lessons.

Yes that's exactly it. The scream shoots of out of nowhere. There is no build up. Its like a different person bursts out of me and as quickly as it arrives, I get control again and am calm. It's madness. I have tried and succeeded much better this evening. Taking step back.

H has a cold and just lay in bed as i battled dinner, bath and a v long bedtime. He is 2 meters from me while I battle one child and another two climb on my head.

I can't tell anyone about the debt or my pelvic floor pain. There is no one to tell.

I would like to leave but surely I'll be even more stressed! And also my DC would hate it

I refuse to be a screaming mum. I refuse! I don't recognise myself

One thing recommended by my therapist when I was finishing therapy (could only do a short course) was journalling, and then getting rid of what you've written.

I personally find writing down how I am feeling helpful, but was worried about kids finding what I wrote. So the idea that it's just for me to help me understand my thoughts and feelings better, and can then be destroyed, was useful for me.

Having said that - I've never done it. Too much on my plate. Really all I can suggest is taking it day by day, and trying to do better the next day.

Being in pain will absolutely not be helping with this.

It sounds like you have a massive amount on your plate in terms of health issues, three young kids, job etc.

Can you, at least over the next week just drop some stuff? Look at the week coming up, decide what can be missed and skip it. Give yourself some time.

I have chronic pain and it's really tough when you have kids as well.

Once you have bought yourself some time, look at what you can do either to
Improve things or cut down on what you are doing. This might mean letting the house get dirtier, cutting out some activities, hassling your doctor for drugs etc while you are on the waiting list.

Your husband needs to step up and do his fair share. He is causing at least part of the rage by leaving you to do too much. Having someone lying around with a cold, while you struggle on alone I would infuriate me too xxx

Peri menopause did this to me.

I once read that anger is all of your other repressed feelings coming out. And I think that is what is happening to you OP. You are carrying everything alone. You are in physical pain. Your relationship is shit by the sounds of it and you are carrying lingering resentment towards your mum and DH. It sounds like you have married a man like your mother by the way. Emotionally cold.

Therapy can help. But I also think just getting yourself out of your terrible relationship would also help too.

You're not turning into your mother - from your description, she was consistently cold and unable to parent you warmly, whereas you are simply (understandably) periodically finding yourself at the end of your tether but parent differently the cast majority of the time.

I’ve been you.

The answer for me took a lot of therapy- but I was less self aware than you.

Self care. You are bursting because you are under so much pressure. You will do better if you can release that pressure more healthily.

Good news- you can do it with your kids, it’s a good skill to have. Things like breathing, lighting a candle, having a walk in the fresh air. It’s cheesy, but it releases some stress which allows you to cope better.

Those ideas are not things you do in the moment before you explode, they are things you do routinely so you never need to explode.

So do kiddy yoga off tv. Light a candle at meal times and go round the table saying a good thing that happened today. Daily gratitudes, hugs, hot chocolate- it all adds up to being better able to manage difficult times.

Loads of things here:

1. You are not turning into your mother - a short scream is not the same as frequent and sustained screaming. A loving mum who has a holler is not the same as a cold mother who uses a combination of screaming and isolation to control her child.
2. Despite the fashion for reacting to a screaming parent as though this is child abuse, I don't think a small amount of screaming is a bad thing, if you always explain and apologise, have a cuddle and make up. I felt awful that I screamed. But in hindsight, I don't. I was a bloody martyr to my DC and my DH for too long and then as you say, the frustration came from somewhere else - no moment in which I saw it coming and could put the brakes on it.
3. Children need to know that their behaviour has an impact on their parents, that parents are human and fallible (and, by extension, that they too are human and fallible and have the right to sometimes have a meltdown - the full range of human emotion should be available to us, as long as it doesn't cause harm. The odd squawk and make up is not harmful. Sustained or frequent shouting for no good reason would be a serious problem.
4. Men need to be told to do more. They will not step up. Keep it very simple. 'I am knackered and overworked and it's making me shouty. Let's make a list of all the jobs that need doing and how long they take and split them 50/50. I will feel less knackered and less shouty if we share responsibility fairly. Then we will all have a nicer life.'

First of all you are doing your absolute best, I can’t see you listing all the times you wanted to scream but didn’t?

When you feel like screaming - catch it - turn around and go outside and scream or go into your room, shut the door and punch your pillow.

If you scream - go down to child level and apologise immediately and hug them. Say Mummy loves you but is very tired and shouldn’t scream.

Or show them what to do apart from scream, explain how you are dealing with your tension and anger.

Ultimately you need a lot more help, support and self care and you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.

If you love and support your children - you are not your mother. She didn’t do that for you. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you.