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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be there for my good friend

18 replies

sponkle · 08/04/2008 14:15

I am bridesmaid to a good friend of mine this summer, but feel as though I am letting her down somewhat because:

I cannot make her hen weekend (as dh is away in far east on business and my mum lives 2 hours away and is not able to babysit my 10mo and 12yr ds) -also involves we away/flights etc so probably couldn't go anyway as too expensive.

I am going to wedding on my own as we can only afford to go abroad for wedding or have summer holiday as a family but not both.

she has asked me to go and try her wedding dress on in the shop now it has come back from being made, but dh is away on business and I do not want to take my two boys so I have said no...

am I a rubbish friend?

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 08/04/2008 14:17

No you certainly aren't a rubbish friend. When people choose to have hen nights and weddings abroad, they must know that not everyone will be able to afford to join in. Don't feel guilty about it. You are going to be there for her on her 'big day' and that is the most important thing.

castille · 08/04/2008 14:21

No you're not a rubbish friend, just one with children and no back-up.

It sounds like she is just trying to keep you involved. If she's a good friend she will understand your situation and not make you feel bad for it.

hereagain · 08/04/2008 14:26

I don't think you are being a rubbish friend at all - as long as you explain each of these things to her. It's just circumstance, you can't help it, this is how your life is. You can't just change everthing so that it fits in with her celebratory plans.

Points 1 & 2 are perfectly understandable if she is chosing to do things that involve you spending a substantial amount of money - nobody has the right to 'expect' anybody else to that for them. It is her choice, and she could have a smaller, intimate hen night with you and couple of other close friends for an evening if she wanted to!

Point 3 - is there anybody else at all that could just watch your DC whilst you go with her? Could she wait until your DH is back? If neither of those are an option, could you take your DC but bribe the 12yr old to just sit still and quietly for half an hour? If it's really not an option, then it's not an option. Not your fault and as long as you take the time to explain it to her then you are not a rubbish friend IMO.

jesuswhatnext · 08/04/2008 14:35

if she moans, don't worry, give it 4 years, 2 kids, 1 wage - she'll 'get it'

wiggleit · 08/04/2008 14:41

You're not a rubbish friend at all, don't beat yourself up. You are a victim of circumstance that's all and i'm sure if you explain the reasons to your friend she'll understand. She must be a good friend to have you as a bridesmaid so just tell her. It sounds like she is trying to include you in everything which is lovely.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 08/04/2008 14:44

hi
yanbu - its always difficult when people have their hen weekends and weddings abroad.
Is there anyway you can find someone to look after your dc if you went with her to try on the dress. It shounds like she's trying really hard to include you.

Youcannotbeserious · 08/04/2008 14:51

No, You are not being unreasonable,,,, BUT I'm afraid your friend might not see it that way...

My then-best-friend had her hen party and wedding abroad. I did make her hen party (but only part of it, which she was unhappy about) and missed her wedding because it meant spending a week out there and kids weren't invited, so I couldn't even bring the DSDs and make a holiday out of it...

She never really forgave me missing her wedding and I know that she did think I should have gone for the week without DP (Now DH) and DSDs and would have had to get someone to mind the dog for a week...

We're still friends, but not 'best' friends anymore IYKWIM....

If I'm honest, I'm still sad that I wasn't at her wedding, because we were such good friends beforehand and had been for so long, but then I also know that there was just no way and there was no compromise on her part....

I found out later she'd had a party back in the UK to which I wasn't invited because 'she knew I wouldn't make the effort'....

Hoe you get it sorted.

Spaceman · 08/04/2008 14:53

TBH if you could make the dress thing that would be really great.

But the other stuff; where has this going abroad for wedding and hen nights come from????? Whatever is wrong with a night out in the pub with your close mates?

My friends are the same; DH has been invited to stag do's in Las Vegas, Greece and Ibiza this year. He's not going to any of them. I just think it's completely over the top.

LynetteScavo · 08/04/2008 14:55

Is there any p0int in you trying on her dress?

YANBU, you are not being a rubbish friend, but she might not agree with that.

snottyshoulders · 08/04/2008 15:03

jUST SHOW YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND BY RINGING HER AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN (OOps sorry didn't mean to shout at you!) you can give support by listening to her bridal rants, and she'll think you're brilliant!
To be honest most people remember people 'being there' for them when they're in touch a lot, send e mails, phone her, pop round when you can, even for a half hour "oohhhh look at you, haven't you lost weight" and "ooohhhhh lovely choice of flowers" and "oohhhh yes I really agree that a pink flower will look lovely on your head/cake/top table/ bridesmaid/ pageboy/ mother in law"
It's a stressful time, listen to her, that's what she'll appreciate.

Original poster

sponkle · 08/04/2008 15:18

Thanks for the reassurance, I think it is difficult for her to relate to my life sometimes as she doesn't have children yet...I just really want to be there for her as she has no family in UK and she has always unfailingly been there for me. I will really make an effort to ring/e-mail/text her as much as I can and then I'll be there without being there in person. Just feel very guilty at times...must be something to do with the Catholic upbringing I had!

OP posts:

Saveme · 08/04/2008 15:20

"if she moans, don't worry, give it 4 years, 2 kids, 1 wage - she'll 'get it' "

One wage? Not everyone on here is a SAHM you know.

DirtySexyMummy · 08/04/2008 15:21

Hmm.

YANBU in parts 1 and 2, really.

But could you not get childcare for her hen weekend? Is there noone else that could possibly do it? If there isn't, then surely she knows that anyway, so she would totally understand.

Part 2, fair enough. Doesn't really affect her anyway, does it. So, don't worry about that.

Part 3, 'I do not want to take my 2 boys'.. you have really no reason for this, so in that case I would say maybe you are being a little selfish..

RubyRioja · 08/04/2008 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sponkle · 08/04/2008 17:08

I have already been to shop for the wedding dress with her, we spent 6 Saturdays in total looking/trying on etc and also for the bridesmaids' dresses, so I feel that I haven't totally abandoned her. To go with both boys in tow would mean a 2 hour car journey and a lot of hanging about and with baby just starting to walk and 12 yr old turning into an insolent teenager in front of my eyes I just feel it would be a lot for me to deal with them as well as concentrate on her and end up getting very stressy, with nobody benefitting from the whole experience as I'm not very nice when I'm stressy!

OP posts:

Youcannotbeserious · 08/04/2008 17:19

I do agree with the comment:
"if she moans, don't worry, give it 4 years, 2 kids, 1 wage - she'll 'get it' "

Although my friend works, since she had kids, she's finally woken up to the fact you can't go globe trotting at a moments notice without a whole lot of arrangements!!!

frankie3 · 08/04/2008 18:20

Last year my DH went to his best friends stag weekend abroad, because he felt that he had to, which worked out so expensive that we could not afford to go on holiday as a family. I feel that it is so unfair of people to expect their friends to spend so much money on these things. When I got married I had an inexpensive local Hen night that all my friends (some still poor students) could afford, but everything seems to be bigger and more expensive now. I am sure that your friend will see that you are putting in a big effort and will appreciate whatever you do.

MrsMacaroon · 08/04/2008 20:24

Frankie- TOTALLY AGREE!! My pet peeve are weddings that cost lots of cash for people to attend...even just as a guest you're often expected to travel for miles, find somewhere to stay and buy them a gift on top of that. If you're a close friend/family there's normally an elaborate hen/stag thing too.
I thought weddings were supposed to be declarations of love in front of your nearest and dearest. People have gotten really carried away with the details and forgotten the sentiment. One wedding that I was bridesmaid at cost me hundreds of pounds at a time when I could hardly afford rent or food. I made sure my own wedding was easy to get to for the majority of our guests (most of them walked to and from) and my hen night was a meal locally. It was still an amazing day.

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