TL;DR: Triggered by my DS hitting the “Terrible Two” and realized that I was emotionally abused as a child. Now feeling resentful toward two members of my family and afraid that I’d be a bad mother too.
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I’ve known since a long time that my mum (henceforth DM – “Dear Mum”, although she isn’t dear to me) is the opposite of great, but my dislike has grown exponentially after I’ve become a mother myself.
To give some background, I grew up in a middle-class family in Southeast Asia. My dad (DF) is an engineer and travelled a lot in the first years of my life. DM is a homemaker, although she did (and still does) exceptionally little around the house, since we had two live-in housemaids. My brother (DB), the apple of DM’s eye, is ten years older than me, and he was sometimes a big bully too (more on that later or in a separate post next time I have time).
There were times DM could behave almost normally, like buying me clothes or trinkets or cooking a meal I liked, but this was extremely rare. On the contrary, I could write a whole book to describe DM’s toxicity. These are some examples:
- DM called me dumb and “so ugly that no man would ever want me” since I could remember until I left home to study abroad at 18. When I told her that my kindergarten teacher said I wasn’t, DM retorted that my teacher said that out of pity. I was the first who could read and write in the whole class, besides being the top of the class, but DM never praised me. Instead, she always tried to find an argument about how my achievement was merely luck or undeservedly given.
- DM often snapped at me without reason. For example, we were walking to a shop, and I asked her what time it was, and she snapped, “Shut up!”
- DM stopped cooking regularly as soon as my older brother preferred to eat outside with his friends. While he got pocket money, I didn’t, and when I went home hungry from my elementary school and asked what she cooked for lunch, she would spitefully answer, “Nothing!” I ate a lot of instant noodles growing up, and to others she said I was so choosey that she didn’t know what to cook for me. Even my dad bought that for a while. Only later did he find out the truth and gave me pocket money and brought home takeaway for dinner. I often fainted at school, being malnutritioned, and DM blamed me for being weak unlike the other children (whose mother provided nutritional food at home).
- When DB took away my things, DM would always blame me instead. For example, for once she cooked a meal (but not much). I just arrived home and prepared to eat when suddenly DB, who had eaten his part in record time, gulped all my food. I was blamed because I wasn’t quick enough, and, because it was my fault, it was not her responsibility to provide anything more for me.
- DM often disparaged my works in front of the housemaids and encouraged them to say that my drawings, handwriting, etc. are beyond ugly. I could see the look of pity in their eyes. By the way, my teachers often praised my drawings, and everyone in school said I had the most beautiful handwriting.
- DM spitefully woke me up from my nap, saying I did nothing but lying around at home, but, when I stopped taking a nap because of this, she said that the neighbor kid was smarter than me because she knew when to rest and take a nap.
- DM always kicked a big fuss whenever I washed my hair. She even hid the shampoo bottle and brought it out only when it was her or DB’s turn to take shower. I washed my hair down from every two days to once a week to once a month because of her. My hair stank and she only stopped being spiteful over hair washing when my dad’s sister, who visited from another town, told her it would reflect badly on her if her daughter looked unkempt.
- I thought that all mothers were like DM, and that they would bully their kids as soon as they were back home. When I realized that this wasn’t the case and started to stand up to her, she retaliated by hiding my things, throwing away treats I particularly adored that I stored in the fridge, letting my dog out unsupervised when I was at school (he was unsurprisingly stolen and DM pushed me out of the house when I was crying), and said that I wasn’t only dumb and ugly but also spiteful.
There were so much more painful memories, but I’ll stop here for now. I asked my dad to send me studying abroad in another continent as soon as I turned 18, which he did. We talked on the phone every day, but I never felt at home “at home” that it took me seven years before I went back for a holiday. Once I confronted DM, and she did say sorry, but also that she didn't remember them. Also, sometimes, she got back to her old ways and criticized me in the background when I was calling DF (I shut her down right away). I got a PhD abroad, got married abroad, and have given birth to a baby boy (DS) whom I love so dearly.
DS is very sweet but have recently started to throw tantrums like all toddlers. Nothing mad. Only when DF, who was on the phone the other day, casually mentioned that I never threw tantrum as a toddler, that I suddenly remember why. I forgot it until now, but now I remember my feelings then as if it were yesterday. I was constantly feeling stifled and afraid to show my emotions, because DM would just pounce on me. It has made me so angry and irritable these days. Sometimes, when DS was particularly difficult and DH was away, I could feel anger rising within me, thinking that, if he were me, he wouldn’t have gotten away this easily.
I’m afraid (even almost sure) that I would grow into a spiteful person like DM because of my injured inner child. I thought I was fine after leaving home, but, since becoming a parent myself, I often felt furious to DM and DB, and at times even at DF for not “disciplining” them back then. I’ve also become envious of my friends who have wonderful mother and childhood, and I'm more easily irritable toward DH and DS (although I didn’t show it to DS).
I know the best course of action is to undergo a therapy. I haven’t gotten the time, though. Until then, anyone care to share their wisdom or experience on parenting in relation to childhood trauma? Many thanks in advance (and for reading this far).